Netra’s Confusion

Netra:
"Netra, do you need anything?" Jeevith asked me.
"No, I will sleep for some time," I said.
"Do you feel that Akshay should stay here with you?" Jeevith asked, diverting his gaze from me.
"Yes, I want someone who loves and cares for me genuinely," I said and covered myself with a comforter to sleep.
I closed my eyes, and the scenes appeared before my blocked vision. I remembered Akshay's love and the care for children and me.
Did I do wrong by marrying Jeevith? Will Jeevith ever accept my children? I hope these six months will pass soon, and I will be freed from this relationship. I heard the ringtone of my mobile and uncovered the comforter.
"Call for you!" Jeevith gave the mobile to me.
"Hello, Akshay!" I said.
"Netra, how are you? I wish I could be with you now, but...." Akshay said.
"That's okay!" I said.
"I have something important to tell you but not now. After your recovery, I will tell you everything," Akshay said.
"About?" I asked.
"Jeevith," Akshay answered.
"What's there to know about him more? I know everything about him already," I said, closing my eyes.
"Everything we see or think is not true, Netra. It's too tough to understand the true mentality of a person. Anyways, I will talk to you when I meet you," Akshay said.
I sighed and disconnected the call. My mind started thinking about Jeevith and Akshay. To be exact, I have never dreamt of marriage or any such sort of stuff. I don't know why, but these days my heart is feeling happy and finding solace in the presence of Akshay.
Akshay is not as sweet as Jeevith. Being a hardcore politician and Home Minister, Akshay is a rude person. He didn't even know to express his love or impress a girl. However, whatever he does, he will do it genuinely. He doesn't know to pretend in which Jeevith is an expert.
Jeevith is good at grabbing the heart of a girl with his charm and sweet talk. Akshay is such an annoying guy who talks about only politics and business. Akshay supported me when I was in a whore house, but after that, he just left me to my fate. He said he wouldn't help me to grow up in life because it's not his job to make me successful. As a friend, he brought me out of hell, and now it's my wish to make it again hell or heaven.
It's not that he left me on the streets or something. I stayed in his house, but when someone assumed me as his maid or mistress, he is quite without speaking. I tried to confront him about it, and he said that God gave voice to me not only to face him but every idiot who tries to make my life a mess. In frustration, I left his house at night, and it rained heavily that day. Akshay didn't stop me. Instead, he said, finally, I dared to step out of my comfort zone, and that's the first time towards my success.
I stayed for two days at a bus stop without food. On the third day, I went back to Akshay. He didn't question me anything and ordered me to take a quick shower. I got ready and came out only to find all my favourite dishes prepared at the dining table. I had it silently without speaking to him. I tried to ask Akshay many times that why didn't he search me when I left him for two days. But I didn't because he never gave me a chance.
Akshay's care and love are very different. I can never predict his next move. He leaves me without caring for me though I am in big trouble. Sometimes he stays with me even if I have a fever. I can't rely on him in my problems expecting him to help or support me. But, somewhere, my heart says he is with me though I couldn't find him anywhere.
I know I am Jeevith's wife. But how can I accept this relationship when I don't have any feelings for him? Should I accept Jeevith just for this knot? Or choose the right person for me keeping these traditions aside? It's the most complicated decision for me to make yet so important.
"Soup!"
I came out of my train of thoughts listening to the voice of Jeevith. I looked at Jeevith. He sat beside me on the bed and fed me the soup. Then he made me take the tablet.
"Shall I ask you something?" Jeevith said.
"Yes!" I said.
"Does Akshay love you?" Jeevith asked.
"Hmm," I said.
"What about you?" Jeevith asked me.
I looked into the eyes of Jeevith. I can see many feelings in his eyes. I noticed him clutching the fist to control his thoughts.
"I don't know," the reply slipped out of my lips.
Jeevith smiled. A smile which covered tears and hid feelings. A smile that says I know your heart and questions why don't you say it out frankly? A smile that brought tears to my eyes.
Why am I feeling this way towards Jeevith? His pain makes me cry though I know he didn't deserve happiness or love but only pain and hatred. I couldn't understand my emotions or feelings. Everything is so complicated and messed up.
Love is such a painful concept that can make no one happy. That's the reason I hate the word love. Love gives only pain. The harder we try to hold it, the sooner it flees off of our hands. If we stop thinking about it and hates it the most, it comes into our lives to play with us.