Not a Big Deal

*Hezzlie*

That antiseptic smell that radiates out of hospitals and infirmaries makes my nose sting and often makes me feel like I’m about to puke all over the clean, white tile floor. Mom used to tell me if I was feeling queasy to take a whiff of rubbing alcohol, and that would instantly make me feel better. I’m not sure if it was my days at Peripheral that changed or if I’ve always hated this smell, but that has definitely never been the case for me. Just the scent of it makes my stomach roil. It’s particularly strong today as Rowan and I walk down the hallway toward the infirmary.

Still, I hold his hand and concentrate on playing the part of the dutiful Luna. I definitely want to meet Hayden, the poor warrior who broke his leg while practicing for the impending war, and I want to see James. Am I just being nosy? Of course. Well, there’s the fact that I want to see if his usual disposition of being matter-of-fact and clinical has changed at all. In my mind’s eye, I can imagine a giddy James who’s full of laughter and bubbly happiness at the idea of finding his mate, but somehow I seriously doubt he will behave that way. Much like the stoic man holding my hand, he would never let his emotions carry him away. No matter how happy his mate makes him.

We walk through the double doors, and I am tempted to hold my breath. Rowan turns and looks at me, sensing something’s wrong, but I manage a smile. “I’m fine,” I tell him. He arches an eyebrow but doesn’t question me.

Maybe he should. At least, if I throw up or pass out, there are plenty of healers around to help a girl out.

Rowan walks straight to one of the doors, like he has asked ahead where Hayden’s at, and I follow. When we walk in, Hayden’s not alone. A woman who appears to be about my mother’s age is standing next to him, holding his hand with tears trailing down her cheeks.

“How are we doing?” Rowan asks in much the same tone as I’ve heard James use when he comes into a room like this.

Immediately, the woman bows her head. “Alpha,” she says, with a tone of respect. “Forgive me. I didn’t know you’d be gracing us with your presence.”

Now, it’s my turn to raise an eyebrow. Forgive her for what? Crying that her son is injured? 

“No need for that, Nancy,” Rowan assures her. “I just wanted to see how Hayden is feeling, and our Luna-to-be wanted to meet him as well.”

Nancy turns to me and bows. “So lovely to meet you, Luna Hezzlie,” she says. 

“Uhm, please, just Hezzlie is fine,” I tell her as I reach for her hand.

She looks confused but takes it, still not meeting my gaze. Rowan chuckles under his breath. He’ll never get used to my informality, and I’ll never get used to being called a queen.

“Are you feeling any better?” Rowan asks Hayden. For the first time, I really look at him. He’s a handsome young man, though nothing compared to Rowan. He’s pale, with dark bags under his eyes. I assume that’s because of all the pain he’s recently been through. 

“I’m feeling better, Alpha,” he assures us. “Now that I’ve got the good stuff.” He gestures toward the bag of fluid hanging near his head, and we all chuckle a little.

“Good. Get some rest and mend up. We’re going to need you.” Rowan pats his arm supportively. 

“Thank you for your service,” I tell him, which is what my mother taught me to say whenever I saw a service member back home.

“It’s an honor, Luna Hezzlie,” Hayden says, managing a smile.

Rowan turns to Nancy and begins asking about other family members. I don’t know who he’s talking about because I’ve never met any of them, so I listen for a few moments, but then I hear familiar footsteps outside the door, and I excuse myself just in time to see James walking toward his office.

Against my better judgment, I follow him. My mind is screaming at me that he’s my doctor–that I can’t have this sort of intimate conversation with him. But that’s really not the case anymore. We are no longer in that sort of a situation where he’s the physician and I’m the lunatic who thinks she’s a wild animal.

“Huh. Luna… lunatic,” I mutter under my breath as I hurry to catch up with him.

James must hear me. He turns around. “Hello, Princess Hezzlie.” 

“Hi!” I’m grinning at him like the cat that got the cream, but his hard exterior doesn’t waver. “How are you?”

He raises an eyebrow. “Fine. Actually, the word lunatic does come from luna–as in moon. It was a common belief that people acted crazy during a full moon, and we do know that the moon does have an effect on some people, even those who are not wolf shifters or witches. So, you’re not wrong.”

“Oh.” I’ve never really thought about it. I’m not sure what to say because I didn’t come here to talk to him about that. “Do you… how are you really, though?”

He stares at me for a long moment, shrugs, turns around, and walks into his office, but he leaves the door open, so he’s not trying to shut me out–not yet anyway. “I guess you know then?” he asks as I walk in and close the door behind me.

He moves to his chair behind his desk,  and I take one of the two in front of it. “Yeah, of course I know. Rowan wouldn’t keep something like that from me.”

James lets out a loud sigh. “Well, I’m sorry you seem to be all excited about this. It’s really not that big of a deal.”

“It’s not?” My eyes widen as I take that in. “How could it not be?”

“Because… I never really thought I had a mate. In fact, I sort of hoped I didn’t have one. The fact that I apparently do just complicates things.”

“But… Corey’s a great guy from what I hear,” I remind him. “Wouldn’t it be nice to have a mate? Someone to help you balance your hectic work schedule with… life?”

He’s shaking his head halfway through my statement. “No, not really. If anything, having a mate will just get in the way. I don’t need or want one, Hezzlie. I’ve gotten along just fine without one so far.”

I’m not sure what to say to that. I’ve always I would get married–someday–to the love of my life. We’d start a family and live happily ever after in a nice house with a white picket fence, a dog, and a cat. Part of me just assumed that’s what everyone wants.

Apparently, not James.

“Well, now that you’ve got one, maybe the Moon Goddess is telling you that you shouldn’t be working so hard, that you need to relax a little.” It makes sense to me.

But he laughs. “No, She would never say that. Especially not now, when we are about to go to war.”

“The war won’t last forever,” I remind him. “After that–”
“Hezzlie?” He’s using that voice–the one he used back when he was my doctor, and he thought I was saying something crazy. “Stop. It’s not going to happen.”

Unblinking, I stare at him for several minutes before I say, “What do you mean?”

“I mean… I’m going to reject him.”