I've Really Messed Up Now

*Rowan*

I drain a glass of whiskey and then throw the glass against the wall. It shatters, but even that doesn’t make me feel any better. This isn’t working–not at all. I need to get this girl–this woman-out of my house before something happens that I can't fix.
The taste of her lingers on my tongue, and no matter how much I drink, it doesn’t go away. I fall back into bed, but I don’t sleep. When the sun comes up, I’m out of bed, rushing out of my room and shifting before I even hit the trees.
I run through the forest around the mansion, trying to outrun the tug I feel in my heart. She’s not even 18 yet. How will I feel when she has her birthday in a few days and the mate bond is pulling on her end, too?
And then, if she happens to still be here during the first full moon, when she’s in heat….
“Holy fuck,” I mumble in my head since wolves can’t talk. I will not be able to stop myself from claiming her if she is begging me to fuck her when she’s in heat.
I continue running, trying to clear my mind of everything. Cutting between some trees, I leap over a little stream and then swing back toward the mansion. I step into a small clearing and pause for a moment, my heart hammering against my chest.
She’s there, standing in the window, her arms folded, the golden beams of the first rays of morning illuminating her pale skin and giving her hair a glow I’ve never seen before.
She’s chewing on a fingernail. My superior wolf eyesight allows me to take in details I wouldn’t otherwise be able to see from this distance. I can tell she’s upset as she rocks back and forth from one foot to the other. Her eyes are wide and watery.
I know I should step back between the trees so she doesn’t see me, but she’s my mate, and she’s hurting. And it’s my fault. I want to go to her, to tell her she’s wrong about me, that I’m not the asshole she–and everyone else–thinks I am.
But I can’t do that.
Because it’s not true.
I am an asshole.
Her eyes flicker to mine, and for a moment, we are staring at one another. She sees me out here, in my wolf form, a large golden blonde creature that is far bigger than any wolf in nature, and I see the horror on her face as she realizes what she’s seeing is real.
She’s not asleep. I am not part of her dreams.
Quickly, I duck back into the forest and run back toward home, planning to shift and dress before I walk in through the back door. I can only imagine how her screams must be echoing down the hallway as she wakes the rest of the castle in her terror at seeing an enormous wolf in real life.
But when I walk back into the house, no one is shouting or running about. No one is looking for me with an accusatory expression on their face. In fact, when I reach the fourth floor, I hear
nothing at all. Is it possible Hezzlie just decided she was seeing things?
Or maybe she passed out.
I take a deep breath and go to my room to shower and get dressed. I’m not surprised when I approach my office and find James standing outside of the door with an irritated expression on his face. “What?” I bark.
He shakes his head and gestures toward the door. “May I speak to you? Privately?”
I’m beyond annoyed when I walk inside. I take a seat behind my desk, but he remains standing. “What do you want, James?”
“Can you please let me handle this from now on?” He doesn’t have to explain what he’s talking about in order for me to know.
I want to say something snide, but I think back to how it felt when Hezzlie kissed me last night, how hard it was for me to pull away from her. “Fine.”
His eyes widen. “Really?”
“Yes. So long as you don’t touch her.”
He rolls his eyes. “She’s my patient, Alpha. I’m not going to touch her. Not like that, anyway. Besides, aren’t you trying to facilitate this trade?”
Nodding, I check my desk for any new information that might’ve come in from my spy overnight, but there’s nothing. “We need a DNA sample.”
“I’ll check in with Curt again. He likely has the sample and just can’t safely get it to us.” He takes a step backward, like he’s ready to leave.
I should tell him. I should tell him I kissed her–and I should tell him she saw me.
“Sounds good.” I give him a dismissive wave, and he backs up again. “I will be there when she shifts for the first time, though. I have to make sure it goes well.”
He stops moving and turns fully toward me. “You don’t trust me?”
I shake my head. “No. I don’t trust anyone,” I admit. I think about my father and how he was betrayed by his own Beta. He died because he trusted the wrong person.
Jams shakes his head. “Fine, but between now and then, leave her the hell alone and let me handle this. Alpha.”
He’s not asking, so I don’t reply. After a second, he leaves, and I let out a deep breath. I pick up Mara’s picture, and the pain in my heart erupts all over again. I need to get her back.
For a moment, I consider visiting my mother, but there’s no point. She won’t even know I’m there anyway. If she did, she’d just ask me why I’m such a colossal failure, and I don’t have a response for that at the moment. “I’m trying.” I don’t know if I’m telling Mara, my mother, or myself.
But I am trying.
For the next hour or two, I concentrate on doing my work. I’m halfway through an expense report when my door slams open, and James is back, his eyes wide with anger. “You kissed her? And you let her see your wolf?”
I look past him to what I hope is an empty hallway, but Dean is standing there, filling up most of the opening with his giant body, his arms folded, and an angry glare on his face as well.
“Get your asses in here, and close the fucking door.” I have to try to remain in control even though my two best friends are obviously pissed.
Dean complies, stepping inside and closing the door. They both stop a few feet on the other side of my desk, ready to shift and tear me in half.
I let out a bored sigh and lean back in my chair, taking the opposite approach. “Firstly, no. She kissed me. Nice to know she’s chatting with everyone about it.”
“She’s not. She told her mother, and her mother told Wilma, and Wilma told half the fucking staff,” Dean growls.
I almost laugh but decide not to. It’s not appropriate. Again, all I can do is take the nonchalant path. “It was not a big deal. She was asleep at the time.”
“You took advantage of a sleeping seventeen-year-old?” James sounds like he thinks he’s my fucking father or something.
“I did not.” I glare right back at him. “She sat up and kissed me, and I pushed her away, and she woke up. I might’ve mentioned it to you, but it wasn’t memorable. Not for me anyway. As for her seeing me, fuck, I don’t know. I went for a run this morning. How do you know it was me and not someone else?”
“Because she said she saw an enormous golden wolf in the forest this morning and asked Wilma if there were a lot of wolves around here,” James explains, still angry. “It had to be you.”
“Then tell her to close her fucking curtains. There are wolves all over this place, James. All over this house. If you can’t handle acclimating your patient to that, then maybe you’re in the wrong line of work.” I shrug again, pick up a pen, and begin to twirl it. “Now, unless the two of you would like to find yourself as part of my negotiations with Darksky, I suggest you get the fuck out of my office.”
“Fine. We’ll go.” Dean has a lilt to his voice that lets me know there’s a catch to this. He tugs on James’s arm, and the two of them turn to walk back toward the door, the healer dragging his feet a little. “But you should probably know she’s somehow gotten a misconception about you that makes you seem even more disgusting than the type of man who would kiss a little girl in her bed.”
They’re at the door now as I narrow my eyes and stare at him. “What the fuck could possibly be more disgusting than a man purposely kissing a little girl in bed?”
Dean cocks his head to the side and that sarcastic smirk he’s known for appears. “A man kissing his little sister.”
He shuts the door behind them and I don’t know if I should clear my desk again or slam my head into it.
What the fuck? She thinks she’s my sister?