40: Break me

The first thing I saw as I awoke from my dream were eyes peering down at me: brown, sapphire and icy blue. All three of the men who had officially made my love life more than complicated stared down at me in worry. I shifted slightly but winced immediately as I felt discomfort in my back.
"Slow down there Phoenix. You had quite a fall. Thank goodness your burns have healed," Liam said, lifting up my arm and inspecting it.
But I paid no attention to him, instead my mind was fixated on what Diana had told me. Primus. I recalled the book being in the library once, but I'd not gotten around to reading it.
"I need to find it." I uttered out urgently.
"Find what Phoenix?" Demetri asked. My eyes shifted to his and I hesitated before saying, "Diana *needs* me to find it."
Immediately, when it left my mouth, Demetri's eyes widened, and he shifted them to Sebastian who shared the same worried look as he did.
"What exactly did Diana ask you to find?" Sebastian asked.
I kept silent for a while as I looked at him. And then, almost instinctively I pulled the collar of his shirt and placed my lips on his. He tensed up for a moment before responding and moving his lips against mine sweetly. When I parted from him, I stared at him curiously. It felt exactly the same as when Diana had kissed him- absolutely out of this world. Perhaps it was an action to make sure I was still Phoenix, but it hadn't made me feel any less than I had when in Diana's body. I had to find Primus. I had to find answers.
"P-Phoenix?" Sebastian stuttered out confused, "are you alright?"
I nodded, carefully before attempting to help myself up, but received some help from Liam who now also still carried that same worried look on his face.
I then turned around and looked up to the rippled water roof above us and uttered, "Patefacio."
Soon my body began to levitate from the ground, leaving the three men even more confused. "Where are you going!" Liam called out.
"I already told you. I'm finding something for Diana."
Of course, I could have disclosed what exactly I was looking for- a book- but Sebastian and Demetri had a bad habit of preventing me from finding the truth. Diana, however, seemed more trustworthy and reliable. I hoped now that she could help me more often as she had in my dream-like memory of her. I still couldn't quite understand why she looked exactly like I did. And as I ran into the palace, I kept her face fresh in my mind. Maybe the reason we looked so alike was because we were relatives. But even so, she was an exact replica of me. Not only that, but Sebastian had told me I'd be gaining access to *my* memories of him, not Diana's. The only possible answer I could therefore come up with was something absolutely *impossible*, and so I dismissed it countless times over in my head, trying to tell myself that it couldn't be true, that I needed more information before I could even make a clear conclusion yet. Because if what I suspected was true, then that meant my entire life had and been a lie. It meant my life hadn't been mine in the beginning, it had been hers.

***

By the time I'd reached the library, I was out of breath and consumed with my itching excitement. I hadn't even noticed Xavier who sat at one of the chairs with his feet on the desk and a book in his hand.
"Oh, Phoenix," He uttered awkwardly, catching me off guard.
"Xavier... um hello. I'm sorry I'm just here to look for a specific book." I said.
Xavier nodded, and as I walked, I couldn't help but notice his eyes watching my every movement. He was acting... strange- well stranger. And so, before I even touched the bookshelf, I recalled Primus to have been in, I asked, "Is there something on your mind?"
His eyes widened immediately, and a red blush tinted his cheeks. "N-no. I-it's nothing. J-just carry on searching f-for what you need... nosey bitch."
I was beginning to notice that he really liked insulting me every time he felt flustered. Perhaps it was his own personal defense mechanism. Heaven knew mine was avoidance.
Slowly I began to step into the passage bordered by the two bookshelves and carefully I began swiping my fingers across the spines of the books, hastily searching for the familiar shiny black book. But no matter how hard I looked and no matter how often I revised the spines of the books on the shelf, I couldn't find it. And so, I tried the next one, and the next one and the next one. About an hour had passed by and I was on the brink of pure frustration.
"Where the fuck is it, Diana?" I muttered under my breath. Of course, any normal person would have believed I was insane... in fact, even I thought I was insane. What if I'd just seen things the last time I was here. What if Primus didn't exist in this library. I cussed again, under my breath, trying to think back to the day I'd supposedly had it in my possession. I went to one of the desks to read it and then-
"Xavier," I shouted more loudly than I should have, frightening him in the process.
"Fuck! The hell Phoenix. Are you trying to give me a God damn heart attack?" He hissed, taking his eyes off of the book and placing them on me.
I rolled my eyes and ignored his nasty little remark and instead asked, "Have you seen that Latin book I pulled out of the shelf the first time I came here?"
He sighed, set his book down and began walking towards me. "You're going to need to be a little more specific, Phoenix. Unlike you, I can't sniff things out."
And here I thought he actually liked me. Asshole.
"The book's name was Primus. Have you seen it?"
As soon as I said this he froze and looked down to the floor, avoiding my eyes. It seemed he did know where the book was.
"Are you going to tell me or-"
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
My jaw dropped in disbelief and I just stared at Xavier, angrier than anything else. I *needed* that book, and here he was pretending not to know about it... and then it hit me. The day I was here, he distracted me before I could even open it. Perhaps he'd known then already the importance the book had to me.
"Xavier I'm not playing games here. I want the *fucking* book, and you're going to tell me where it is you fucking stuck-up, pain-in-the-ass."
Immediately his head shot up and the expression on his face switched from flustered to angered. It seemed I'd struck a nerve, but he'd struck one in me too when he lied.
"I thought you said you wouldn't lie to me Xavier. I thought... I thought you liked me."
When I said this Xavier got angrier and immediately, he stomped up towards me, grabbed my hands and shoved me against one of the bookshelves, knocking books off of it. His hands pinned mine against the shelf and he growled lowly.
"Like you? How could I like you when *he* already does? And as for the book, it's mine. It belongs to my family and so I get to decide who does and does not read it."
I couldn't quite understand why the hell he was so angry. And even if the book belonged to his family, Diana wanted me to read it, and I suspected it would have most of the answers I needed.
"I *need* that book Xavier." I hissed out.
Xavier kept quiet for a moment and soon, I realised that his eyes were focused on my lips. He gulped and then looked back up into my eyes with his breath hitched. I assumed it was a reaction to my eye which had now changed to red in my sudden flare of anger.
"Why is it that I can't have you or Liam?" He uttered softly.
My eyes furrowed in confusion. "What? What are you talking about Xavier?"
Xavier reached out and touched his cool finger against my cheek. I shivered at the action but found my heart thudding erratically in my chest.
"Demetri, Sebastian and Liam. You love them... could you love me too?"
Was he crazy? Love them? Yes, I cared deeply for them, extremely deeply. But love was a strong word. Too strong, far too soon. And even if I did love them, I'd never admit it out loud. As I said before, I didn't need any complications before we started the Game of Successio and confessing my love to anyone would screw everything up royally, no matter how much I cared for any of the four men pestering my life.
"I don't lo-"
But I was cut off when his lips pressed against mine passionately and his hands left my own only to be wrapped around my waist. The feeling of his lips evoked the same reaction out of me as when I kissed Sebastian and when I kissed Liam, and I found myself engrossed in the feeling of it.
Slowly Xavier parted from my lips with his multi-colored eyes now gleaming a deep shade of red. Just looking at them had my body doing things it probably shouldn't have- not at this moment at least.
"I'll tell you what Phoenix. If you break me, then I'll let you get that book." And with that his lips were on mine again but this time his hands began to wander under my shirt.
It seemed Xavier had just re-ignited that fire in me, and I didn't plan on extinguishing it. If Xavier wanted me to break him, then I'd *break* him.
----
An important warning for the next chapter. It will be a purely sexual chapter including BDSM and will include more than two people. If you would rather skip the next chapter, you are more than welcome to. If not, then I'll see you in chapter 41... *winks*.
Stay safe! Stay healthy! Sending my love!