63: Tell me exactly what you want

It seemed Liam, Demetri and Xavier had a nasty habit of leaving me alone with Sebastian. Then again, we did have that awfully daunting conversation looming over our heads, and the sooner I made myself clear to him, the better. But the conversation didn't at all begin the way I expected it to. Instead, Sebastian began it with a sigh and then he stood up from the edge of the bed and began walking around my room, pacing right in front of me.
"Do you remember the day we danced in the rain?" He asked, staring out distantly, as though he were thinking back on the memory fondly.
"I do, yes. If I close my eyes now, I can still smell that lingering scent of rain in my nose, and the way my skin felt under the coolness of the raindrops." I said, thinking back on it too.
"I wanted to tell you then how I felt about you... but I was so afraid." Sebastian said softly.
I tilted my head and crossed my legs over. "Why were you afraid?"
Sebastian then stopped his pacing and turned towards me. His face had a soft, vulnerable expression on it, one I hadn't seen in a long time. "I didn't know if you'd feel the same way."
Immediately I got up of the bed and stood before Sebastian. Slowly, I reached out for his hands and gently began rubbing my thumbs at the back of his palms. "Well, it wasn't just you who was afraid. Back then, I was so in love with you as well. How could I not be? You were there with me from the very beginning."
"So then how can you expect me to just forget? How can you expect me to forget that you and I have been together since the very beginning? How can you expect me to forget that you and I were even married? I've loved you for as long as I can remember, and now, now I have to just be okay with the fact that you don't just love me, but three other men at the same time? How can you expect that of me?" By now his eyes had darkened, and although he was angry, he was more hurt. But after all these years, I was hurt too.
"That's not fair Sebastian. You can't expect me to literally come back from the dead and be the same person again. Yes, you and I love each other, but you've always dictated the terms of our love. It was you who forced our marriage, even though you knew your mother hated me. It was you who decided that I was to love no one, absolutely no one but you. And I did. I was faithful to you. I loved you so much, that I was willing to be your victim. I loved you so much that I was willing to overlook the hate your mother gave me. And what did you give me in return? Nothing but distrust and anger. You couldn't believe me when I told you that there was nothing between Demetri and I... you couldn't believe the one person who had never lied to you before. I've still never lied to you, until this day. And now you expect us to go back to the way we were? Well how we were was broken. We were on the brink of drifting so far away from each other that there would have been no coming back." By then I was in tears, and I could barely get my words out. But despite the aching lump in my throat, I continued to speak. "The world has changed, and I've changed too. Diana might have been naive and innocent. She might have been blindly devoted to her husband... but Phoenix is not. We can't change the past by reliving it, Sebastian, and this time I won't let you dictate the terms. Because the truth is that I do have... *feelings* for the four of you, and not even you can stop me for feeling what I feel for Liam, Xavier and Demetri as well."
By the time I had said this, I was practically breathless and panting. Sebastian seemed shocked as well and made no effort to hide it.
"Is that... really how you feel?"
I cleared my throat and nodded, "Yes, it is."
Sebastian hesitated for a moment before sighing and shaking his head. "I suppose I wasn't the greatest husband in the world."
"I can't say you were the worst though. In fact you were pretty amazing a lot of the time. But you certainly did break my heart when you listened to your mother- whom you knew was against our marriage- instead of me." I said.
"I am sorry..." He uttered. "Sorry for not believing you... sorry for letting my mother cloud my judgement... but most importantly, I am sorry for indirectly tying a leash around you by forcing my own terms regarding our marriage and love, onto you. I should have been better... I should have loved you, no matter what. But I was so insecure..."
"About what? You're Sebastian Dragovic, everyone in this palace practically trembles in your presence even now that you're just an advisor. You're brave and stern and you aren't afraid of saying exactly what you mean. What could you possibly have been insecure about?"
Sebastian sighed and gently tugged at my hands and lead us to the edge of the bed, where we sat. "You don't know how extraordinary you are. I mean even then, you were just... amazing. You were strong, physically and emotionally. You were braver... so much braver than I could ever have been. But most importantly, you were always so headstrong. You were actually the reason I found the courage to force my parents to agree to our marriage. And then Demetri came along and... well it's no secret that he's *perfect* for you in every single way. He's kind, understanding, easy to get along with. I was afraid that you'd realise that I didn't measure up to him, and that you'd leave me."
My eyes widened at this and I gasped. "I didn't know you felt that way. But you need to know that if I didn't love you wholeheartedly... if I didn't love every single part of you from your grumpiness to your irrational jealousy, I wouldn't have married you in the first place. No one has ever loved me the way you have, and I will *always* love you. No matter how many times you bring me back, I will always find my way back to you, just like I did this time around, because you are my first love, in my last lifetime, and in this one. You're kind, sweet and overbearing, but I adore that about you. I love it when we fight and disagree. I love it when you get passionate and overprotective. I *love* you, and the fact that I care about Demetri, Liam and Xavier as well won’t change that. You need to believe that I can love you all equally, because I can, and I will. You don’t need to feel insecure anymore."
His eyes widened the moment I said it, and then they softened, and he smiled. I then paused, placed my hands on his cheeks and continued, saying, "Besides, you of all people should know I'm not perfect either. I mean think about how clumsy I was when I arrived at this palace. You practically treated me as though I were a child."
"Well, you behaved like one..." He chuckled and I soon started laughing as well and my hands fell from his face to his hands again. When our laughter died down, he bit his lip and then said, "But I suppose it wasn't your fault. You were so oblivious to just how great you are. All your life, you've been taught to be silent and invisible. It must have been difficult for you, especially since you were so bold and outgoing before."
"Surprisingly it wasn't. Denzell raised me that way, and so for a long time, being so invisible felt natural. But it doesn't anymore. I don't want to live in the shadow of my past, but I can't deny how knowing the truth has now turned me into who I once was. Perhaps Phoenix is just a name to remind me to keep moving forward, because Diana is so many centuries in the past. But I never want to be the victim again, Sebastian. I never want to feel the way I did when your mother had me on my knees, awaiting my death. This time, I am going to take what I want and leave no room for mercy anymore. That includes the throne that was taken from you... from us. We can't live in a world of hate any longer. I'm so sick and tired of it. I'm sick and tired of ignorance and selfishness. I won't let it continue, after everyone's sacrifices. I *will* win those games, and not only that, but I'll keep Liam and Xavier safe too. Sanguis has no idea just who they are messing with."
"There it is." Sebastian said. "That fire burning behind your eyes."
I turned towards him and was caught off guard by the look on his face. It was one of arousal and awe. "I can see one burning behind yours too. The only thing standing between the two of us now is your lack of willingness to allow me to have feelings for all four of you. So, what will it be? Will you continue to be the Sebastian who keeps me on a leash... or will you let go of it completely and let yourself be mine?"
Sebastian fell silent for a moment, but never let his eyes leave mine. Eventually he gave another sigh and then said, "I have a condition though."
"And what's that?" I asked.
"Just a little leeway to be jealous. After all, it is in my nature to be possessive."
"Fine. As long as you deal with your jealousy rationally." I then gripped at the collar of his shirt and brought my face close to his. His eyes immediately dropped lustfully to my lips and he bit at his own as I said, "Because I won't hesitate to punish you."
"My God, you really aren't that innocent... but I still am. Perhaps you could help with that?" He whispered lowly.
I raised a brow. "You're still untainted? After all these years?"
"I don't have the ability to be turned on by anyone else except you." The way he said it had my skin breaking out into goosebumps. After all these years Sebastian still knew just how to get under my skin. But this time, I planned on acting on my lustfulness. We'd spent our previous lifetime fighting so often that, besides marking each other, we'd never gotten further than a kiss or playful neck bites. But I planned on changing that this time around. This time, I would be *taking* every single thing I wanted. And right now, what I really wanted more than anything was Sebastian.
"So then tell me exactly what *you* want, Sebastian. I want to hear it." I said, bringing my lips closer to his.
"You, Phoenix. I want you... I want you so badly."
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I really have been a tease throughout this entire book, but here we are, finally getting to a good, wholesome, steamy chapter between the centuries' old lovers! Who's excited, because I sure am!
Stay safe! Stay healthy! Sending my love!