Chapter 21

Laynie 9 months ago
He should be here any minute now. God, I hope he is not in a bad mood. Who am I kidding he is always in a bad mood. My phone rings for the thirteenth time today. Its Anna, she has been calling all day for some reason, but I know myself, if I answer I will tell her and I can't let Jared find out through her. Neither of us can hold a secret very well. Jared walks through the door at exactly five o'clock and I go to greet him. He hands me his suit jacket and walks over to the sofa to take his shoes off. His usual routine.
Usually he will shower then come out in his sweats to eat dinner, then head to the living room to watch television. On nights like this I don't even get an acknowledgement. Tonight, I plan on changing that. I have to tell him. After leaving the doctor's office a few hours ago I was able to tell the sex of the baby. Jared is going to be so happy it's a boy. We always wanted the boy first.
"Jared before you shower can I speak with you a moment?" I ask in a gentle tone. I don't want to irritate him, but I know if he showers he will be hell bent on ignoring me for the rest of the night. He seems to be in one of those moods.
Jared stops before the hallway and gives me a pointed look. I sit down on the kitchen table where he walks over and joins me. He sighs loudly crosses his arms over his chest.
"Get on with it Laynie, I don't have all fucking night for you to tell me you painted your goddamn nails." He screeches.
I give him the little gift box that I decorated in blue feeling a little embarrassed now. I should know better, he is exhausted when coming home and here I am playing games with him.
"What the fuck is this?" He asks in a condescending tone.He grabs it before I can answer him and begins to unravel it. A baby pacifier is inside the box with a post-it note that says go to the guest bedroom.
I thought long and hard about how I wanted to surprise Jared. I have known I was pregnant for two weeks now. I'm fourteen weeks along. As soon as the doctor told the sex today, I ran and bought everything I would need to surprise Jared. The delivery truck just left before Jared arrived home today. I hired a few guys to decorate the room and build the furniture. Little Adam's room is complete. Jared and I have always wanted kids and we both loved the name Adam. Maybe we can start over. Maybe once he sees I'm carrying his child he will be better to me.
Jared throws the gift against the wall in a furry. Startling me from my happy thoughts. I've seen him angry before but this is different. He looks more afraid than anything else.
"Are you fucking kidding me? Your pregnant? Did you do this on purpose? Trying to trap me now?"
My heart shatters at his cruel words. I have tears rolling down my cheeks but I'm too stunned to wipe them off. He comes towards me like he is going to hurt me. I'm so afraid that I get up and run. I run towards the living room. I turn around to see if he is coming and trip over something. My back hits the coffee table and it shatters beneath me. All I see if darkness.
I awake with a start. My shoulders screaming in pain. I'm on my stomach and someone is holding me down.
"Jared" I cry out. The pain is severe.
"Hang on baby. They are going to bring you something for the pain." I don't understand what he is saying. Who is bringing me pain meds, and why can't I get up?
"Jared, I'm so scared, someone is holding me down." I see Jared in the corner of my eye come to my side. His face looks pale. What is happening?
"Laynie, I need you to relax. It's harder for them to work on your back if you're not still." He says.
Suddenly the night comes rushing back to me. I fell on top of our glass coffee table. That's why I'm in pain and that's why they are holding me down. They are getting the glass out. Why am I at home in our bed though? Shouldn't I be in the hospital?
"Jared please, I'm so sorry but I can't take this pain anymore. I'm sorry, please forgive me." I beg. Why is he punishing me this way?
"Laynie, here take these pills. I lift my head at an awkward angel and drink the water and take the pills. It takes a few tries but I get them both down. I try to lean forward a little to see Jared more. He is heading back to the other end of the room. I can hear two men speaking to each other quietly but I am stating to drift and can't understand what they are saying. Sleep finds me.
When I wake up the next time I am on my stomach again. I am still home and on our bed. The sheets have been changed and there is a fan blowing on me. I lift my head, a little delirious but glad the pain isn't so severe anymore. Jared is sitting in the corner of the room on an armchair. He is staring right at me. When I try to get up he is on my side instantly.
"Jared, what's going on? Why aren't I in a hospital?" I ask. My voice extremely raspy. My back feels so tight, like someone wrapped me up in bubble wrap.
"I can't take you to a hospital and have you open your mouth to people about our business. So, I brought the doctors to you. Hope your happy, your clumsiness costs us a pretty penny." He says coldly.
Why is he speaking to me like this? Why can't he just be nice to me for once. I fell because I thought he was trying to come after me. I was protecting myself. I put my head back down on the bed and close my eyes. I am not feeling well and I am so sick of him being mean to me. I hear him sigh loudly, stand up and walk over to me. He sits on the bed next to my body and puts his hand on my back gently. I am petrified that he is going to hurt me in my current state.
"Laynie, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you are going through this but I couldn't risk it. He starts gently rubbing my back along the bandages. He hasn't been this nice to me in a while. I'm not sure what to do with that.
"Jared, I shouldn't be on my stomach. Please with that kind of crash we need to check on the baby." It feels like I'm slurring my words. I feel extremely fuzzy. I'm glad the fan is on me.
"Laynie the baby is gone." He says is a cold tone. I try to jump up and look at him but his hands stop me in my place. That's why he is over here. To stop me from hurting myself further.
"What do you mean gone? I'm pregnant Jared. I'm three months pregnant." I start hyperinflating. Please no. Please don't do this to me. I have been through so much already. Don't take away the only good in my life.
"The doctor said that it wasn't the crash, just that you miscarried. He was actually glad they found it when they did or it might have caused an infection. I'm sorry." He says.
I cry. I cry so badly I end up throwing up. Jared helps me with a trashcan but I can't stop crying enough to aim. My baby. My baby is gone. His room is decorated. I picked out his baby blanket that I was going to bring him home in. Why do I deserve this?
I cry, I cry for three days, I don't eat, I barely drink, I just cry and take my pain meds. Jared never cries with me. He doesn't cry with me when the doctor comes and checks my back over, he doesn't cry when another doctor checks me over for the miscarriage declaring everything was fine, I just need to pass it on my own. He doesn't even cry when they tell him I need to eat or I may not make it. Jared finally showed me his true nature.
Eventually we come up with a routine. Everyday Jared stays home and looks after me, but that just consists of him bringing me something to eat every few hours then returning to his office. I have a water jug that he refills when he brings the food in and he helps me shower and bathe with an attitude.
I am eventually able to start sitting up, then walking, I don't need help showering anymore, which I'm sure is a blessing to Jared. All he did was stand there and make sure I didn't fall anyways. I haven't really spoken much, Jared hasn't either. Is this the new normal? Is this how we are to treat each other during one of our toughest moments? I hate him, I hate him so much. He should have been there for me. Instead he made me go through this alone and at home when I should have been in a hospital.
A couple weeks later, I decide that I'm going to make breakfast. I get up on wobbly feet and slowly make my way to the kitchen. I'm wearing a black tank top and some sleep shorts. I decide to make some French toast. I'm halfway through flipping when Jared finally emerges from the office. He looks exhausted. He hasn't been sleeping in the same bed as me so I'm guessing he is crashing in his office. He is wearing a suit and tie like he is going to work.
"Jared, where are you going?" I ask with tight anxiety. He can't leave. Not now. I need him here. I feel like I'm going to explode as it is. I can't imagine when I'm alone with my thoughts.
"To work. It's been two weeks. I have taken the time out to care for you the way the doctor wanted me. You are clearly up walking around, and I can't keep doing business from my office. I need to go in." he says all while putting his suit jacket on.
I cannot believe he can be so cold about all of this. I may not be in as much pain as I was on day one but I'm hardly jogging around the house. Mentally I am dead inside, and he couldn't care less. I am broken. Truly broken and the one person that was supposed to be there for me, is now abandoning me.
Jared leaves a few minutes later, no goodbye, no kiss, not one word spoken. He just leaves. I sit on the sofa with the television on mute and cry. All day. I cry for me, I cry for me and Jared's marriage, I cry the baby we never had but still lost.