Chapter 69

Anna
The drive is silent.
It's something I'm immensely grateful for.
Alan is your typical bad diver. Merges into different lanes, doesn't always see pedestrians and swerves like a bat out of hell.
Living in New York and driving can be quiet challenging and for someone who was never that great of a driver, is even worse. But right now, Alan is being extra careful. I don't know if it's from my freak out earlier or that fact that he is on a non-date/date with me. Either way, I'm grateful.
It takes us a solid half an hour to reach Maggie's. The large restaurant is crowded. Packed actually. This is the first time I have been here when it is open and on a weekend. Alan parks his car and gets out. I stay inside for a moment because I already know he wants to open my door. It's one thing I can't stand, it's one thing he loves to do. After the psychotic breakdown I gave him earlier, it's the least I can do.
"Anna?" I turn and see him extending his hand out to me. I must have been spaced out because his concerned look indicates he may have been saying my name a few times.
I place my hand gently in his and get out of the car. Alan takes a small light jacket from the backseat, and places it over shoulders. I inhale the scent of his cologne. The same one I smelled earlier when I went Kung Fu Ninja on my elevator doors. Alan has always had a good taste for cologne, but he isn't just wearing any old cologne. He is wearing the one I loved on him when we were dating. He must have gone out and bought it, because since he has been out here in New York, hell, even back at home in Minneapolis, he never wore it after we broke up. The thought that he did that for this date, both warms me and makes me feel guiltier.
"Good evening, how many for your party?" A woman, Lorraine, according to her name badge, asks as we walk up to the front of the restaurant. It's a cool crisp night and many buildings surrounding the restaurant already have their Christmas lights up, including Maggie's. The gold and red lights stream down the building in class, and a giant reef lights up with golden bells and sparking lights on the giant door leading inside.
"We are on the VIP list I believe. Friends of the owner and chef." Alan answers.
"Right this way." We follow Lorraine all the inside and up a flight of stairs. Funny. All the times I've been here helping Laynie out and picking her up on the occasional girl's nights, I've never noticed that it was a two-story restaurant.
"The chef will be with you in just a moment. May I interest you in a glass of wine?" I know Alan is getting ready to say no, but I need something that will help aid me once we are alone.
"No th…"
"Yes actually, I'll take a glass. White please." Lorraine nods and heads back downstairs.
I don't make eye contact with Alan. I can feel the disappointment radiating off him. I know he is sober and wants to always remain this way, but tonight I need liquid courage. If I wish to survive tonight, just to hand my father all the information he needs to know I am fully cooperating with his plan, I'll need as much of it as I can muster up.
"Anna? You want to talk about it?"
I shake my head, still not meeting his gaze. I have never been more embarrassed in my life. The rejection I felt him give me is sufficient enough for me to drink the entire bottle of wine and not the small glass the waitress is currently putting down. She introduces herself as Monique and tells us she will be serving us for the night. My hands shake at the fact that Laynie will be coming to say hello to us soon and here I am acting like a crack addict.
"Anna, I can take you home if you'd like." God, he sounds so sad saying it. Why does he have to be so sweet? Why can't he be like most men and just rush to get through dinner, so we can have sex?"
I shake my head again and when I hear him exhale loudly, I swallow my pride and embarrassment and speak.
"Alan, I am so sorry. I hate that I was so weak in front of you but please know that there isn't anywhere in the world I would rather be. I've been kind of going through a lot lately. Doing a lot of self-reflecting and I don't know if I like who I see in the mirror. Guess tonight was me tired of dealing with it."
It's only a half lie. The truth is, I hate what both my father and brother are doing to me. I feel like a chess piece on a board I can never get away from, trapped in between the sharp edges of the corners.
"Anna, I don't know why you feel like you have to apologize. We have been friends all our lives. You don't have to be sorry for having a moment. Me telling you everything right before it happened probably triggered it. I'm sorry to add to your stress."
"Alan, trust me when I tell you, you do not add to my stress. If anything, you make everything much better. You're like a walking Tylenol." He laughs his ass off at that one and I join him. It's been a while since the two of us just laughed.
I down the wine and we look at the menu together. The waitress comes to take our order but because of our discussion, we let her know we aren't quite ready yet, but I do order another glass of wine. I once again ignore the looks emerging from Alan's face. I'm already down the rabbit hole, might as well keep digging.
"Typical of you two to take your sweet time picking from a three-paged menu." Laynie says form the stairwell. Alan and I both turn to her and laugh when her little self gets her heel caught on the last step.
"Hey Lanes. This place is amazing. I can't believe this is the first time I've seen it since I've been out here. You have done an amazing job." Alan stands and continue to give her praise, while I take the time and down my second glass of wine. I'm starting to feel the effect of the alcohol warming my belly.
Lanie looks adorable in her all black uniform. She is wearing black slacks with a black blouse that has the Maggie's logo on the right side. Her dark brown hair is down and curly and she has a ton of make up on. I don't think I've seen her look so dressed up since her wedding.
"You look hot mama." I say to her when I reach her and go in for a hug.
"Thanks Anna. There is a representative from the New York Times here tonight and I wanted to impress him. The place is a lot busier than it normally is because he evidently put on his social calendar that he was coming here tonight. No pressure right." She giggles at the sarcastic last comment.
I cringe at the fact that we picked the worse night to come in and have dinner. Laynie must notice because she waves her hands in front of my face.
"Don't go there.You two are always more than welcome coming here and eating. I'm actually a little relieved to have someone to talk to about how nervous I am. I know the food is great, and I have great servers. I guess I'm more anxious. If he leaves me a bad comment, I don't know what I would do." She takes a deep breath then blesses us with a smile. "Enough about that, don't order, let me make you guys something special."
Alan and I both nod our heads at her and with that she heads back downstairs waving at us as she goes down. We both walk back over to the table and the waitress comes back over to refill my glass. I glance up at Alan before tipping that one in my mouth as well.
"She seems pretty nervous" I say to him when he stares at my now empty glass.
"Yeah, she does. I wish there were something we could do."
"Laynie's got this. She would hate it if we interfered."
Alan nods his head and continues. "That's always a scary feeling. Someone judging you, waiting for you to mess up, to make a mistake, so that the whole world will see you as a disappointment."
He's talking about Laynie and the food critic but the deeper meaning behind his words don't elude me. Alan and his drinking problem caused some major problems for him back home and he had to work his way back from that alone. Laynie and Jared were in New York and ignoring everyone under the sun, and I, well, I was the reason behind it all.
"Yes, it's not a good feeling. But I think once you prove them wrong, once you see that not everybody sees you in the same light as the person trying to ruin your career, ruin your life, then you start to forgive yourself. You can't live the rest of life behind the regrets of your past. It will destroy you." I let the words coming from my mouth consume me. I close my eyes and speak.
"Alan, I need to tell you something." Alan nods his head and waits for me to speak.
"Hi there, Chef Cole has brought you up the appetizers, a tray of seared scallops with honey Dijon avocado sauce." The waitress announces cutting into my confession speech.
She places the amazing looking appetizer down in the middle of us and separates out plates. Laynie has outdone herself. Granted she is a restaurant owner now, but hell, whenever we all got together she would make us common things like French toast and spaghetti and meatballs. This is on a whole new level.
Alan and I stare at each other before digging in and devouring the amazing meal put in front of us. When we finally come up for air we simultaneously beam at each other, both thinking the same thing, our girl can cook.
"Alan?" I ask after the waitress comes by with our entrée, which consisted of braised lamb layered on a bed of parmesan risotto. I salivated hearing the waitress tell us what we were about to eat.
"Hmm?" He answers, shoving in a mouthful of food and moaning at the taste. I do the same and see now why Laynie's restaurant needs more staff. I could come here every day to eat.
"I want to apologize again."
"Anna, I've already told you don't have to…"
"I know, I just want us to forget what happened earlier and enjoy our night. I want us to be friends and maybe soon, something more, I think I'm just not one hundred percent myself right now, and I need time to think."
Alan looks at me for a second then nods his head. He doesn't look happy but the frown he had been wearing all night disappears. I know I didn't say what he wanted to hear but I gave him hope, and as much as I shouldn't have done that, because even if we do get together, it won't be an honest relationship, it makes me happy seeing hope light his amazing eyes.
After the entrée, Alan and I make small talk. We talk about the salon. We talk about his classroom, he tells me all about his students having to write essays about Romeo and Juliet and how some of them got it all wrong.
We talk about everything under the sun. By the time dessert comes, a vanilla honeycomb cheesecake, yum, and my now fifth glass of wine, we are both stuffed.
"Had I known Laynie could cook like this with the right ingredients, I would have married her and not let Jared." I crack up at his joke because as sad as it is, it would have made my mission at the tender age of six, much easier. I'm also a bit on the tipsy side and are now laughing at anything and everything Alan says.
"Right? I mean Jesus Christ, she put this food together like it was nothing and I can't even make scrambled eggs." This time it's Alan that throws his head back and laughs. I always could make him laugh. It was one thing I loved that I had the power to do. For once it wasn't destruction and manipulation, it was joy.
"Lucky bastard Jared is. To think he's at home, while his wife is slaving in the kitchen." I laugh again at his attempt of a joke and almost fall out of my chair. Yeah tonight is going according to plan alright. Get it together Anna.
"By choice, asshole." Someone with a deep voice says from behind me. I turn around and see Jared walking up with a very tired Laynie by his side. They make such a great couple. I almost envy them, then realize I don't deserve such happiness.
I don't deserve to even be around these people.
"Oh my god girl. That food was the tits. If I pay you, will you give me the recipe for that cheesecake?" I yell to her as I run over to her. Okay standing up has definitely made the alcohol level higher.
"Had a bit to drink there Anna?" Jared asks looking over from me to Alan. I don't see the exchange but I'm guessing they are doing their bro/best friend secret language thing, and Jared is making sure Alan is good.
No Jared, he is not. I'm using him. I'm using all of you, run!
"Anna? You alright? Want to sit down?" Laynie asks in a soft voice.
"No, I'm fine. So, tell me, how did it go? Did the food critic say it was the most amazing food he has ever tasted?"
Laynie smiles brightly and nods her enthusiastically. We all sit around the table and Laynie has one of her staff members grab a few coffees for us while she tells us all about the column. When the coffees come, I go for my next glass of champagne instead of the alluring aroma of caffeine. I normally don't drink like this, I never have, I normally like being coherent enough to be fully aware of my surroundings. It was a part of my training, but tonight I just want to forget. I want to be numb.
I hate that Alan was looking forward to this night and I'm ruining it by being obnoxious, but it's better than the alternative.
It's better than me spying on you.
"So, what are you two up to for the rest of night?" Jared asks standing and draping Laynie's jacket over her,
"We're going to a club down the street from here. Anna says they just opened."
"You're going to a club right now? It's already ten." Laynie nearly yells and I laugh as her eyes bug out of her head at our plan for the rest of night.
"We'll be fine Laynie. Won't be the first time we went to club on a Saturday night. Besides, I really want to try out this new club and show off my dance moves. Sure you guys won't join us?"
Jared and Laynie are shaking their heads before I can even finish my sentence.
Lame asses.
"Fine, you two go and suck face at home being boring and having secret ninja lamb cooking skills, and Alan and I will be partying and pretending we are young again." Everyone laughs and together we head out.
"Laynie, you're making me look bad by not letting me pay. This is supposed to be a date and I took her to a place where I got free food." Alan complains after he tried to locate the waitress for our bill on the way out and Laynie told him it was on the house.
"You're a teacher Alan. You wouldn't have been able to afford my prices." We all laugh at the same time. Laynie has never been one to say a joke at the perfect time.
We say good night to Jared and Laynie and Alan opens his car door for me. I hop in, sloppily, I might add, and bounce in my seat from the excitement. Alan laughs at me as he enters the car. I hate clubbing, always have, and so does Alan. Yet, the two of us are excited. Alan is excited because we are spending time together. Me? I'm excited for the bar. I'm nowhere near as intoxicated as I would like to be.
"So, are we good Banana." Alan asks as we get on the highway.
Fucking hate that nickname. Do you know why I hate that nickname so much Bean." I exaggerate his nickname he hates and when he cringes I smile. Not very fun, is it fucker?
"Why?"
"Because, it's unoriginal. It is literally like the dumbest nickname ever invented and you saying it, just makes you sound stupid. I mean come on, Anna Banana." I make an attempt at crossing my arms but that fails when my fist keeps hitting my boobs. Ugh, stupid alcohol.
"It is too original. When I first met you, you were eating a banana, sexily, I might add, so I started calling you Banana. I didn't do it because it rhymed." I laugh, hard, and if it weren't for the overpowering seatbelt suffocating my boobs right now, I would have fallen out of my seat.
"You're serious? You remembered what I was eating when we met in what… Ninth grade? How could you remember that?"
"Because I liked you. I liked everything about you. I met you, and within seconds, I wanted you. I don't know, it sounds stupid now, but, you were fucking gorgeous. You were wearing a small jean skirt, white tank top, had a shit ton of those red necklaces all over your chest and biker boots. But that's not what got me, what got me was your attitude. You went off on me for starring at you. I don't think I've ever had a girl go off on me, except my sisters."
I stare at Alan stunned.
I feel his speech cover me up completely.
He remembers what I wore?
I wore that outfit for a specific reason that day. I hated dressing like that, but father had found out I would be going to the same school as Jared Cole, and I wanted to grab his attention. I made sure Laynie and I had ended up where most of the boys hung out and in doing so, caught their eye. Little did I know, Jared's eyes were on Laynie that day, not me.
"I…I can't believe you remember all that Alan. Why didn't you ever tell me? You didn't tell me about liking me until after college. Why waste those years?"
"The day I was going to man up and tell you how I felt, you had come to school so excited. By then Jared and I were seniors and he and Laynie were already dating. You had been asked out by that Miguel guy. I was pissed and embarrassed, and it would have been terrible timing, so I kept it to myself. By the time you guys broke up, we were graduating. I didn't want you to feel obligated to tie yourself down to someone you would hardly see."
I wipe at the tears threatening to spill over. I can't believe he cared for me that way. When Alan came to me a few years ago and told me he saw us together, I thought he meant only then. I had no idea it was years in the making. The thought makes me feel guiltier and I suddenly, just want to go home. However, I'm already making an ass of myself tonight. The least I could do, is have a good time with him tonight.
"Hey, fuck the club. Let's do something we both love to do. I have an idea."
I give Alan directions and after a few minutes he knows exactly where I am leading him. We park a good few blocks away and get out and walk towards central park. It's late. Later than I thought and when I see some people closing up their shops and food carts, I check my cell phone, noticing it's nearly eleven. That's when it dawns on me, I haven't needed to look at a clock all night. I also haven't been counting. Granted the alcohol was a major part of that, but I've got to admit that the rest of it must have been Alan. I feel safe when I am with him.
"Why central park?" I hear Alan say from behind me. The cool night air feels amazing against my warm skin. I can feel the effects of the alcohol slowly wearing off. As much as I wanted to get drunk and have the courage to deal with me being a spy for the man I'm secretly in love with, I knew once I heard what he said in the car, I couldn't go through with it.
"It's peaceful this time of night. Plus, it's one thing you have always loved Alan." I feel a tug at my arm and turn around to Alan stopping us mid stride. We are right next to a statue of Christopher Columbus, the bronze gleaming in the light from a nearby street lamp.
"How did you know I loved parks?"
"Oh, please Alan, when Laynie and I graduated, and you and Jared would come down from college and see us on weekends, we always went to a park. I never knew why until I asked your sisters."
"You asked my sisters?" He seems genuinely surprised by me doing so and I take a moment before answering, wondering if I should share one of my favorite memories of him or not.
"Hey, Anna I'm not mad or anything. I guess I'm a little flattered. Why did you ask them in the first place?" I wait for the jogger to pass us as I tell Alan all about the day I wanted to know more about him without actually asking him.
"I was really sick one weekend. I had caught a nasty flu. You were away at college and your mom came over to check on me. I guess I was so out of it, that she didn't feel comfortable leaving me alone at home, so she took me to your house. I slept for a few hours and when I went downstairs to grab some water, your mom's picture wall caught my eye. I noticed a bunch of pictures of you and in one of them, you were at a park. I finally asked Amy why you were always at one, and she told me that something really bad had happened to you when you were little at a park. It scared you so bad that you never wanted to go back to one ever again. Then one day, your mom got you up and ready for school, but instead of taking you straight there, she took you to a park. Not just any park, but the one you had nightmares of. She played with you for hours, made you swing and slide, you two played hide-and-seek and even had lunch there. You weren't afraid anymore Alan. You faced your fear, and so every time you are at a park, it's like you're conquering your fear over and over again."
We start walking as I tell him the story of the night I felt miles away from Alan and yet, so close to him at the same time. Amy was flattered that I knew something so personal about Alan that she knew it would be okay to share that story with me. She never told me what the 'bad thing' was, but I didn't need to know. Alan was brave, he was amazing for overcoming his fear and it's a big reason I have always looked up to him.
Alan is quiet for some time. I let him have a moment to himself to take in everything I told him. It couldn't have been easy hearing that I know one of his biggest secrets but I'm still glad I shared it with him. Although I was sick, it was still one of the best weekends of my life. My parents had gone out of town and my brother was away, When Maryanne had come over to check on me and understood how bad I was, she made me come home with her, I was elated. She was the mother figure I would never have.
"She never told you what the bad thing was?" He whispers so low I almost don't hear him.
I shake my head. I don't look towards him, I look down as we reach a bench. He sits and pats the bench seat next to him. I oblige to his request, my body instantly becoming cooler because we are no longer mobile. The wooden bench feels cool under my body and Alan must notice because he shifts closer and drapes his arm over my shoulders.
"I couldn't have been more than six years old. Dad was working on a Saturday, rare for him, but sometimes it happened. Mom decided to take us all for a walk down to the park and let us play. Anastasia was a baby. It was mom's first time out of the house since she had been born. I remember swinging, I was so high I thought I could touch the clouds. I kept seeing my mom as I reached back down to the bottom. On the last loop, I didn't see her. Guess I was destined to be a big brother because my first instinct was to check up on each of my sisters. Amy, Amelia, Amari they were fine. Swinging right next to me. Then my gaze went over to where mom was supposed to be. I started panicking. I jumped down off the swing and started running towards the spot and that's when I saw it. A man, a big large burly man was trying to carry my mother away into his van. I got so scared, I didn't know what to do. Dad always told me to watch for my sisters, but something was happening to my mom that I couldn't control. I didn't think, I just ran after him screaming at the top of my lungs. I past Anastasia's stroller and yelled to Amy to get the girls. I don't know if she ever heard me. By the time I was halfway down the hill I was out of breath but didn't give up. Eventually people started realizing what I was yelling at, a man, some guy holding his wife and son's hand coming into the park from the parking lot, ran past me and stopped the man holding my mom. He was my savior, my hero. The guy was arrested for attempted kidnapping, was supposed to serve fifteen years but only did eight. I could have lost my mom forever. He would have done horrible things to her and eventually killed her, and he now is able to walk around freely."
I stare at Alan's profile. My tears strolling down my cheeks so fast I don't even attempt to remove or hide them. Alan isn't crying, he isn't shaking or depressed at his own story. He looks almost relived. Like he has been wanting to tell this story to someone for a while now.
"So obviously it took a toll on our family. My mom went into this depressed state and my dad was completely protective of us. Amy and I were the only ones that sort of understood what could have happened that day, but it still took a strain out on all of us. A few weeks went by and I had started to become quiet. Dad said that was rare for me, because I was one of those kids that hated silence. I always felt like I needed to talk when no one else was. Mom must have started getting better and when she felt confident enough, she got up one day and forced me to go with her to the same park. When we got home that day, we talked. We talked about everything, how I felt, how she felt, how scary the world was, everything. It felt amazing to be able to talk with her, and ever since then, I want to go to parks when I feel happy or brave or confident. I just didn't know you noticed."
We stay in our spot for a while. Neither of us talk. It's a comfortable silence. I lean closer to Alan, hold both my hands over his arm and lay my head on his shoulder. It's freezing out, our breaths are shown through the fog coming from our breath, but neither of us make a move to get up and continue walking. It's later, Alan has got to get up early in the morning and he doesn't know it, but so do I. I accepted his father's request of surprising him tomorrow and joining the family, but mostly because I knew father was tracing my calls and must have simply salivated at the idea of being seen in front of cameras with the potential senator King.
"Anna?"
I didn't realize I had begun to doze off on him and look around at my surroundings. No one has passed us since the jogger and my hands are anxious to find out what time it is, but I push down the need. I don't want to ruin out time together worried about something I can't control.
"Hmmm?"I look up at him and see his eyes are strained intently on mine.
"I think at the end of every date the girl should decide if the guy gets a kiss. I'm a firm believer in her determining the course. However, if I don't fucking kiss you right now, I think I'll lose my mind.
I laugh at his desperation, not only is it cute but it's mirroring mine. I can't fight it anymore. I hate what I'm doing to Alan, but I can't help my feelings for him anymore. If Jed continues to help me without father knowing, maybe, just maybe, I could do this and end father without anyone getting hurt. I have to try.
"Then kiss me Alan."
He doesn't wait a beat. His lips crash down onto mine with a force I have never felt form Alan King before. Desperation was an understatement. He is musing our lips together like they were never allowed to be apart. I can feel his arms snake around my back and when he pulls me closer to him I lean my head back a little to force the kiss into something else.
The heat of our kiss seems to warm us both because when we come up for air, I swear I want the jacket off, along with all our clothes altogether. Alan smiles a smile I used to hate but have come to adore. He knows he has me where he wants me.
"So, I just have to tell you some sissy park story and you're all over me?" I smack his chest and his laugh becomes louder and freer. Another thing I envy of him.
Alan stands and extends his hand and together we make our way back to the car. Once inside I look at his lit-up dashboard and see it's nearly midnight. I look over to see him looking at the clock as well. He knows our non-date/date is over and thinks it will be a while until we see each other again. I clasp his hand in mine and cross my fingers through his. Alan smiles then turns to start the car. After a few minutes of letting it heat up, we head to my apartment.
Alan pulls up to my apartment and gets out, I meet him halfway at the front of the car and he walks me up the steps. Once we are at my door, I lean into him once more and kiss him, just like back at the park. Perfect.
I am the first to break the kiss and I whisper a goodnight, then open the door looking back at his sexy smirk. Once I get a goodnight response back I close my door and head to my bedroom. For once since all of this has started, since father has come back into my life and this whole mess has started, I walk into my bedroom and immediately head to bed with a smile on my face.