Chapter 75

Anna
I've never felt so helpless in my life.
Not even when Jed turned sixteen and instead of a gift, father made him train with a nasty brute of a man named Serge. Father told Serge not to take it easy on Jed and he barely made it out of the match alive. I was eleven, and mother made me watch because my job, was to hopefully seduce Serge if he went too hard on my big brother.
Always a way out.
No, in this moment, I feel much more anxious than when Jed was slowly dying ten feet in front of me.
Alan adjusts his tie for the hundredth time while the host, Margarette Knowles, asks Paul the next question. So far, the questions have been on the subtle side. Why he chose to run now? What he thinks of his competitor? What sorts of things he wants to change in our government. But I know the questions are far from over. She hasn't even asked about Paul about not going to the formal dinner back in New York.
"So, tell me Mr. King. What did your family think when you announced you were going to run?" Paul starts telling her the story of the King family having their traditional Sunday dinner and him telling his children what his plans were. His wife had already known.
My gaze moves back over to Alan, whom is now beginning to sweat. There are three huge lights beaming right down on top of them all sitting atop the makeshift stage the crew set up. There are people everywhere. Cameramen, the producer, someone standing around to give the cups of water, and Donaldson, practically jumping out of his skin next to the kitchen with me. It's taking everything in me not to lay him out because his pacing is making me even more nervous.
I had told Alan, that if push came to shove and Margarette wanted to meet the alleged girl who had stolen Alan Kings heart, then I would show my face, but I wanted to avoid that at all costs. Father had messaged me, asking me how the plan was going when Alan and I landed last night. I had to tell him the truth since we may have photographers this weekend. However, for the interview, I plan on telling father some lie about how they just wanted it to be family only. I'll support Alan on this, but not father.
"Alright, well I feel like I've taken up enough time with you Mr. King, let's talk to the amazing people you call family. Mrs. King, tell me how you keep a houseful of wonderful children happy for a traditional Sunday dinner."
Donaldson scooches closer to me and almost reaches out to Maryanne. I have to hold onto his suit just, so he doesn't reach too far and show up on the camera. Margarette explained that the interview is being recorded so we wouldn't have to worry about mistakes, which I hope Alan saw as a good thing.
"Oh, Margarette please call me Maryanne, and it's much easier than you think. These kids love each other, they have always had a great relationship with each other. I just try to keep them together and strong and make sure that no matter what, they have love in their hearts. That's all a mom can do."
"I think you're right Maryanne. I'm a mother of three adult boys, two in the military and one a police officer, and I know that growing up, they were the best of friends. Now, let's talk to the kids, if it helps, we can go down by age group. Alan, let's start with you. How close are you with your dad?"
The next thirty minutes are made up of questions from Margarette and answers from either Alan, Amy, Amelia, Amari or Anastasia. Margarette makes a remark that she loves how all their names begin with the letter 'A' and Paul tells the same old joke he does when someone tells them that. Everything seems to be smooth sailing until one last question stumps the room.
"Before we go, I wanted to ask you one more question Paul." The whole room stills and awaits the deafening question that Margarette will ask. "Reports indicate that your son Alan Scott King, was involved in an almost deadly accident two years ago. We went out to get the story from a miss Edith Jewel, but she declined our questions. Tell me, what do you think of the notorious DUI that your son received upon almost killing a young innocent woman?"
The room remains quiet. Next to me, Donaldson is throwing hand signals towards Paul to let him know what to say. I look to Alan, and he has his head down and I can tell, is trying to hold in his anger. He knew this question might have popped up sometime today, but I don't think the way Margarette put it, would be the way it was portrayed.
"You know what Margarette, can we actually cut right now? We don't want to venture away from Mr. King's election." Donaldson says walking over and cutting right in front of the camera. The crew immediately starts barking at him to move out of the way.
"Not venturing from anything but the campaign Donaldson, the people deserve to know who they elect and that means, we ask the family tough questions. Now, Mr. King, I will ask you again, what do you think about the DUI that nearly killed a young woman, causes by your son?"
I look over from Margarette to Paul and see a man who is struggling. On one side, if he takes Alan's side and makes it seem like it's nothing, he will lose thousands of votes. But, if he makes it look like he is still ashamed of what Alan did, he will lose his son. This is exactly what Alan didn't want happening.
"Listen Margarette. I could answer this thousands of different ways. I can give the typical political answer, which my campaign manager would prefer. But instead, I'm going to give you the only answer I have. I'm a father, a father and a husband before anything else. My family has supported me through every mistake I have made and every victory I have accomplished. This may not be what you want to hear, or what my voters want to hear, but it will be the truth, I can only hope that people see that above everything else."
Paul takes a deep breath and continues, but my eyes are locked on Alan. He is still staring at his shaking fists and trying hard to contain his misery.
"My son made a terrible mistake two years ago. I can only classify it as that. He went through a terrible moment and became weak. He used drinking, like many of us do, to seek out a cure for his helplessness, but as he learned, that never works. One night he was arrested for DUI because he hit a young girl on her way home from college to surprise her mom for her birthday. Edith was in a coma for almost four days and when she finally awoke, she surprised me. She told me she wasn't upset with Alan. She wasn't angry, and this was just a mistake. I was shocked. I couldn't believe that an eighteen-year-old girl would think that, especially after just waking up. Fear didn't define her judgment of my son that day. She saw him as the man who needed someone. The man that would be able to surpass this darkness inside him and make it out unscathed. She was my inspiration of how to react to what my son was going through. She was my hero that day."
The whole room stays eerily quiet. My eyes are still gazing upon Alan and his eyes are closed. He is breaking, slowly, right in front of me and I don't know how much more of this I can take. Every fiber of my body wants to scream that the attention be on me, that the blame, be on me, but I know I can't. No one can know, especially not father. If word gets out that I was the cause of that fateful night, his family would be destroyed. Alan would never forgive me.
"Well, that does it for us tonight folks. Stay tuned for our next segment and I just want to thank the entire King family for allowing us into your beautiful home and letting us take a scoop inside your lives." Margarette announces and waits for the camera men and producer to let her know that it's a wrap.
Once it's over, the entire King family stands, and Donaldson makes his way over to Margarette, talking a million miles an hour about agreements and ethics and how Paul will never be on their network again. Margarette isn't listening, no one is, everyone is still on shock mode. I walk over to Alan, but he stops me with a glare. He's not angry with me, but I feel his hateful words just the same. This is my fault, and he is finally realizing it.
"Sorry to do this to you Mr. King. For the record, we really are rooting for you to win the state. This story was going to get out anyways and with a few more interviews you guys will have just pushed past this little predicament. It was better to get it out now than to have someone on Malak's side asking you the same questions."
Maryanne walks over to Margarette and shakes her hand, thanking her for coming today. Like a smart woman, Margarette understands that being a 'you need to leave now' handshake and heads out with her crew. Donaldson is still flapping his arms around and making phone calls. Amy and Amelia walk into the kitchen and Amari walks upstairs to change out of her 'clown clothes' as she calls them. I stay in my spot next to the kitchen, waiting for Alan to say something, look at me, anything.
"Anna, can we talk?" I look to my left and see Anastasia looking at me from the bottom of the staircase. I look over at Alan once more, but he has yet to move from his spot and his mother is now standing over him, speaking to him in hushed tones.
I nod my head at Anastasia and we both walk upstairs to what used to be her room. I have spent many times in this room when I would hide out from my parents. I never told Alan about the many times I was sleeping just across the hall from him, he would have reacted badly if he were to see my face when father's training went too far. But, Anastasia was always there. Even though she is younger than me, we were extremely close. She never questioned what my marks and scars were from, she just always took care of me.
"Alan, is really going through something huh?" She asks once I close her bedroom door. I walk over to her childhood bed and take a seat on the yellow, white and gray stripped bed set.
"Yes, I think he is. He's been a little off. I thought it was everything happening with the election and the fact that he had something to hide, but now I think it's more. He had to know that question was going to come. Especially after the New York reporter incident." I look down at my hands while Anastasia gets dressed around me.
I'm more than worried about Alan. He seems to be struggling with something internally and I hate that not only can I not help him, but I'm the cause of the turmoil in the first place.
"He's going to try and push you away, but you can't let him, you know that right?" I look over to Anastasia and she has changed into some jeans, a cute black blouse and black high heels. I don't think I have ever seen her so dressed up before.
"Where are you going?" I ignore her question and ask my own.
"I have a date. And before you go all big sister on me, yes mom and dad have met him, he's actually one of the guys that works for dad's campaign, and again, before you go all big sister on me, he's my age. We go to see the same school."
We exit the room and walk down the stairs together. Alan meets us at the bottom of the stairs and I stop before the last landing. A mere step separates us, but overall, there's so much more. Lies, deceit, hate, anger, everything separates us right now.
"Hey, I was wondering where you ran off to." He says and crumples Anastasias hair while she tries to go around his broad shoulders.
Anastasia smacks his hands away and yells for her mother who is baking something in the kitchen. Alan jerks his head indicating for me to follow him out to the backyard. The King's backyard was always a place I loved to be. I spent many memories here crushing over Alan. When Laynie and I first met Jared and Alan in high school, he stopped my heartbeat. I had trained all my life to not love someone so easily, not fall for them instantly just because they showed me attention, mother taught me better than that. If they were going to get my heart, they needed to earn it, fight for it. But Alan? Alan had it in the mere thirty-seven seconds it took for him to cross over to my side of the school grounds.
The King's backyard is like a vast wonderland. They live on nearly an acre, the thick forest brushes and tress lead out to the rest of the large sized hill that make up the vast area. Banyan trees and large oak trees hide, what growing up, the King kids would call, forestland. Alan hated the name, I loved it. It was a way to escape the world and still be in it at the same time. It was paradise.
"Anna, I'm sorry if you're embarrassed. I didn't mean to not let you in, I just needed a minute to go through the notions of what happened in there."
"Alan, you don't have to apologize to me. Although we knew the question might turn up, and as much as Margarette says she was doing you guys a favor, she held that question till the very last for a reason. She wanted you caught off guard. Easing you into comfortability with small light questions about growing up in Minneapolis and playing football made you think it wouldn't go further than that. She did it on purpose. Mostly to see your reaction. You can't give it to them Alan. You can't let them see you are ashamed anyway at all."
Alan is looking down at the ground once more, as much as I want to walk over, grab his shoulders and shake him, he needs to stand up for himself. See his mistake as something he was able to overcome and start over. He owes it to himself.
"I am ashamed Anna. I'm ashamed of my thoughts. I can feel myself struggling every day. It's been two years and the pain of that night, the embarrassment of when I woke up not knowing what happened, only to be told by you, what I had done, seeing your eyes. I just can't shake it off Anna. I can't let go of the past." Though this is the first time Alan has told me about his fears, I had known all along that he was struggling.
"Alan, why don't you try going to your meetings again. You need to talk about this to people that would know what you're dealing with."
"I already am Anna, I am, and it's still there. Don't you see? With my father already in his campaign and me and my family in the front line, these vultures are going to be following me everywhere. If I go to fucking AA meetings, how is that going to look. I'm a teacher for crying out loud."
"Alan, listen to me. It will look better than you messing up one day. You cannot keep hiding this inside yourself. You are going to make yourself go crazy. Going to the meetings will show people that you are trying to change, that you attempting to better yourself, if you continue down this spiral, you will have an incident. Moving to New York didn't change that Alan."
"You know what, I'm not doing this shit with you. I can't sit here and pretend that you didn't cause that night to happen in the first place. This was all you Anna. All of this tragedy that I have been through, the guilt, the drinking, the fact that I almost destroyed someone, ended a life, it was you. It was your fault Anna."
I stare stunned by his response. He isn't telling me anything that I don't already know, but the pain of his words radiating through my heart almost cause me to choke. He's right, I did this to him. I caused all of this.
Alan stares out past the horizon. The sunset coming through the trees illuminates the entire backyard in a serene orange glow.
"I can't do this anymore Anna. I can't be with you and pretend what you did, even if it were two years ago, didn't damage me. I can't lie to you or myself. I hate who I am now. I hate how weak I am. You can return back to New York in the morning, but I think I'll stay out here a little while longer. This was all a mistake."
My tears are flowing down my cheeks. This is for the best, I know this, but the pain of it all still hits me hard in my chest. I love this broken man in front of me. I just wish I wasn't the one that broke him.
I nod my head and walk to the side of the house to avoid everyone and their questions. Minutes later I can hear the screen door to the backyard opening and closing. Alan has gone inside. I should give him time. I should let him be, but I know I can't end this that way. I take another minute to myself to clean myself up and put on the fake persona everyone expects and head inside.
"Oh, Anna dear, can you do me a favor and grab those cookies out of the oven?" Maryanne asks when I walk in through the kitchen. I smile and nods while she stands there on the phone and stirring what seems to be some chocolate sauce.
I don't see anyone else as I do as she asks. They must all either be upstairs or out in the front yard. After placing the sheets on the oven, I wait a moment and then take each one out and put it on a serving tray. Maryanne ends her phone call and walks over to me.
Sorry dear, that was Jules. She has another design for me that I need to finish by the end of the week. How are you doing with all of this?" Maryanne starts rubbing my back with gentle hands and I almost scream for her to remove her hands form me. They are too kind and gentle, something I don't deserve. I'm here to make myself known in their family, I am here for the wrong reasons, and now I have to go upstairs and tell Alan that I'm leaving.
"Oh, I'm alright. I guess I was hoping it wouldn't hurt as much as it does knowing someone you care about is hurting without you being able to do anything about it." Maryanne nods her head then peaks into the living room.
"Sweetheart, can I say something that maybe I shouldn't?" I smirk at her, knowing damn well Maryanne Riley King, will say anything she wants. We take a seat at the dining table and she tells me what she has been thinking.
"Anna, I have known you for a very long time. Ever since you two were young teenagers that wanted to be together but never ended up doing it. When Alan had his accident two years ago, and he told me he was drinking without anyone knowing, I wasn't upset, I wasn't even worried, I was ashamed." I blink back tears and continue to listen to her words.
"You see, Alan is a King, and if he is anything like his father, and let's face it, they all are, then he will get through anything he needs to. What had me feeling ashamed, was the fact that I had no idea he was hurting, no idea he was feeling so out of place with reality, that he had to go seek happiness elsewhere. Something hurt him to the point where he may never be the same."
I place my hands on hers so that she feels my strength, I get what she is saying. I know she feels a bit responsible because that's how any parent would feel.
"Mom, Alan and I are splitting up. I won't be able to be there for him the way I wish, but that doesn't mean you guys can't. Seems he needs you more than he is admitting to. I wish I could be the one he needs, but I can't. I'm not worthy of his love and I don't think I ever will be."
Before Maryanne could say any more, Amy comes into the room looking panicked. I use that as my excuse to head upstairs to where I know Alan is hiding and let him know I'm leaving. I reach his bedroom and knock once. I hear nothing, but brooding Alan never talks. I open the door and see him on the bed, with his phone in his hands. When he sees me, he hides it quickly and stands up.
"Hey, can we talk?" I ask while I stare at his phone face down on the bed. Alan nods his head and I walk in and close the door.
"Look Anna, do you think we could just forget about what we said outside. I don't really want to talk about it and I'm sure you're exhausted. We only have one more day until we head back home, and I just want to spend it with you and my family." He gives me his reassuring smile, but I don't fall for it. Not this time.
"Alan, I'm sorry. I can't do this. It's not fair to you or your family." I take a deep breath and blow it out while trying to hold back my tears. "You were right. Even if what you said was out of anger, you were right. I was the cause of all your pain and turmoil after that night. It was me that put you down that spiral, and I won't ever be able to tell you how sorry I am. But I can't hide who I am. I can't hide my past. Knowing that when you look at me, and maybe see someone you can't picture yourself with, that I can't continue our charade. I love you Alan, but we're over."
Alan stands there stunned. I can hear his phone vibrating on the bed several times but neither of us make a move to get it or the knocking on the door. We are trapped in our bubble of fate and misery and neither of us want to leave.
I am the first to break the stance and head to grab my bag in the closet. Alan makes no move to stop me, he doesn't move at all. His statuesque form still stands starring right at the door that continues to shake from the insistent knocking. I emerge from the closet and walk over to him. His blue gaze meets mine and I lean in to kiss his cheeks one last time.
"I love you Alan, but I won't destroy you."
With those last parting words, I make my way over to the door, go past his sister, Amari looking panicked and sad, and head downstairs where I leave the only family I have ever cared for. The only family that has ever loved me. I leave my heart at the doorstep and step into the threshold of my reality.