Chapter 77

Alan
There is no greater pain than knowing you caused an innocent person's tragedy.
That night I made my decision. I had to change myself.
I woke up the next day in the hospital to no Anna. My mother was sitting in the chair next to me, crying. My father nowhere to be seen. My hand was grasping my mother's tight and when the detective came in to tell me of my charges, I watched my father break down for the first time in my lifetime. He was always the strong one, the wall of bravery and courage that never backed down or gave up. He was the sturdiness of our family and I witnessed him crumble over and over again as they named my charges.
Edith Monroe Jewel.
She was eighteen years old, majoring in economics in college. Her favorite color is orange like the sunset she insisted on watching every night from her dorm. Only child to her parents and used all her money she worked at a movie theatre to buy a ten-year-old Chevy. She was the most innocent face I would ever see, the face that would haunt me for the rest of my life.
Edith woke up four days later. She was confused, but happy. She is always happy. I was made aware that if she didn't wake, her parents still wouldn't charge me with anything. The state had to charge me for my accident and intoxication level, but that only gave me community service. Three hundred and twelve hours. It was nothing compared to the relief of the detective walking into my hospital room and telling me she was awake and that she wanted to meet me.
Apparently, her parents were fans of mine when I was in high school. I had no idea who they were, but my father did. He had sold the Jewel's their home. When they found out it was me that hit their daughter and almost caused enough brain damage to paralyze her, they knew it was a simple mistake. My family thanked them over and over again. Me? I just wanted to die. From then on, I became the guy who almost killed that young girl. I hated it but deserved it.
Edith forgave me the moment she woke up. That didn't necessarily stop me from giving her anything and everything her heart desired, including a brand-new car for the one I totaled. One day I asked her why she forgave me so easily, why she let me off the hook when I could have easily killed her. I'll never forget the words she said next.
"You don't deserve hate Alan. You deserve a second chance."
It was with those words I was able to stat speaking to Anna again. It was with those words I was able to go to my meetings and do my community service in stride. Edith taught me something extremely important the day I cried to her in the hospital, shouting at her and come to her senses and charge me. Neither of us could have lived that day. So, since we were both spared. It was up to us to not dwell on the past and our tragic sins. It was up to us to embrace them.
So, when I find myself banging at her dorm room at two in the morning with tears rolling down my cheeks and panic in my breath, I have to wonder again, why I was sparred along with her.
Edith answers the door two minutes later. My head is slumped down, but I can make out her slippers. Puppy dogs. Her and her damn love for dogs.
"Alan? What the heck are you doing here?" She whispers. I'm sure her roommate is here and I'm most likely waking up the whole dorm with my banging, but I can't help it. I need her. I need her to help me down from the ledge.
"Edith. I can't do this. I can't deal with this pain. Please help me. Don't let me go back into the darkness." I nearly collapse into the doorway, but her small body manages to hold me up. I hear her roommate say she will be down the hall. Edith moves me over to the now empty bed. I can smell flowery fragrances and a hint of smoke and know without opening my eyes, that I'm on her roommate, Sarah's bed.
"Alan, what's going on. Last time I talked to you, you told me you and Anna were doing just fine. What happened?" I shake my head as the thoughts of Anna's words come crushing down. I hurt her. I destroyed her to no end and she had every right to leave me.
"It's not Anna. It's Arnold. He's missing Edith. No one can find him." I can feel the tension in the air when Edith inhales in a gasp.
Right after Anna left this afternoon, Amari came barging in my room. Dad had called a family meeting and it was important, so as much as I wanted to sulk in my old bedroom and just fly back home tomorrow to sulk some more, I knew family meetings were rare enough to know something was wrong. With all seven of us in the den, dad explains the news of what transpired while we were having our interview.
Arnold, the young man I used to have the honor of educating here in Minneapolis, is missing. His brother, Jamison, went to pick him up from school the other day and couldn't find him. Assuming he had found a way home without him, Jamison went home to see if Arnold was there. He wasn't. Jamison called both his mother and father and asked if they knew of any reason why Arnold wouldn't be at school. There was no reason they could think of.
Six hours later, the cops were all over their house, the school, and asking the family millions of questions of who he hangs out with. Dad was called right after the interview by Jamison. He wanted to know if dad could get a hold of me and see if I knew where else Arnold would be. I gave dad every answer in the book that I had on me, but every place I named, the library, the computer lab at the school, hell, stuffed in his locker by that shit hole Benjamin Carswell, he wasn't there. I felt like a failure. I had no idea where else he could be and now my heart felt broken. I hadn't been calling mom and dad lately to see how Arnold and Jamison had been. I was too preoccupied with my new surroundings.
I told dad everything I knew, in which he passed on to the cops and Jamison but nothing else helped. It brought down the pain and confusion of Peter missing back home. I feel like a curse. First in New York and now here back home.
What the fuck is going on?
"Alan, talk to me. Tell me how to help." If anyone were to walk in on Edith and me right now, one would assume we were dating. We have often got the question when walking side by side or out to dinner together. However, I just don't see Edith that way, I never have. Also, her six foot four, two-hundred-and-ten-pound quarterback of a boyfriend wouldn't let me get in the way of his happiness.
Cameron and Edith have been dating for about eight months and love is an understatement for what they have for each other. If he were to walk in on us right now in the dark while I lie my head on her lap and she strokes my hair, he would pull up a seat and ask me what happened. He's a good man, a great man, and I couldn't be happier for Edith.
"Arnold is missing Edith. No one can find him. It's been almost forty-eight hours. They have no idea what could have happened to him. It's the second student of mine to go missing."
I tell her everything, from me leaving for New York and being worried about dad's reputation because of me, Anna and I getting back together even though I can tell there is something Anna won't tell me. I tell her about the meeting for the 'feeding the homeless organization' and the reporter that caught me off guard. I tell her about how I broke Anna in two by telling her it was her fault in the first place that I have this problem.
"Do you want to drink right now Alan?" I nod my head in her lap and can feel her squeeze me tighter. Edith is graduating next year with a bachelor's in business. She is still uncertain what she wants to do but is yearning more towards project managing. Edith has always loved anything to do with new structures and how they ae built. It's something her dad, and Amari would stay up all night and talk about when we had family nights with their family.
"And what do you think that would help? Would it help your overall fear of you being the problem? Would it help if this time instead of hitting another car, you hit a pole and kill yourself? Then where would those little boys be?" Her voice sounds so distant, so calm that I almost laugh. She knows me so well and knows exactly what to say.
I shrug out of her hold and sit up next to her. Our shoulders rub against each other as we get comfortable on the twin sized bed. Edith and I have grown extremely close since we had the unfortunate meeting two years ago. We learned we had a lot in common and she has always been my voice of reason. I trust no one more than her in the world except Anna.
Anna.
I know I need to speak to her and apologize. It was unfair of me to blame her for everything.
Edith and I sit and talk for a few more hours. We talk about everything and nothing. The interview, the missing boys and what they had in common, the girl that shoved Edith hard the other day because she thought she was the girl that slept with her man until Edith turned around. Of course, in true Edith fashion, she bought the girl a goddamn coffee and has a movie date next week with her.
At six in the morning a knock at the door sounds and I laugh when her roommate announces she is outside with four coffees and a box of doughnuts. Edith opens the door and not only does Sarah walk in, but Cameron is right behind her. I drink my coffee, eat my two doughnuts, all while shooting the shit with them, then decide it's time for me to head out. I had called Mr. Moley earlier and told him that I had a family emergency and needed to have the week off. Although he was more than willing and kind enough to do it, guilt hit me hard. I want to be out there helping the search for Peter, but the truth is, I don't know if I'm ready to face New York yet.
Anna is out there, no doubt just going about her day as if I don't exist and after ignoring the fifteen phone calls from Jared and Laynie, I'm sure they will show up at my doorstep as soon as I land. I finally gave in and text Jared letting him know I just needed time. When I got the reply back that he understood but couldn't stop his wife from killing me when I got back, I laughed.
I spend the week, doing everything I can for my dad and Amari's business while dad is busy with the campaign. Several times Anastasia tries to get me into looking at the positive feedback we got over the interview. I know her doing this is solely to not let me feel like I killed dad's chance. I know I didn't, but I did embarrass him. I know some people could relate to my circumstances, but the fact is, this story is just going to get more and more social and that in itself makes me nervous.
Mom tries to get me to talk about what went down between Anna and I, but I don't tell her anything. I don't tell anyone anything. What could I tell them? That I held onto the horrors of that night? That I still need AA meetings and am petrified they will forever keep me in a rut? That I'm worried I will one day relapse and destroy what little of myself is left? Each of my sisters keep me distracted. They all come over after work or on their day off and come hang out with me. But, to be honest, I look forward to the quiet time I have at my parent's house. Once everything quiets down, I am able to actually think and focus.
The detectives don't have any new information on Arnolds's disappearance and on my last day I go and see Jamison. He is a wreck. His hair is rumpled, and his appearance is hard and haggard. I almost don't recognize him. He of course blames himself. He tells me he had been so busy he didn't even realized Arnold may have needed someone. Jamison feels like he may have run away from home, but I quickly squash that down.
"No Jamison. Arnold wouldn't have done that. He loved his family. He knew his family, like all of ours, wasn't perfect, but he knows he was loved. He would tell me all the time that he wasn't angry that your parents would sometimes forget about him, or that he felt that they favored you. He knew they would eventually see what they were doing and come to terms with that. He loved you guys, because, well, you were his family."
I had no idea his mother was listening on the other end until I heard the sniffles. I stand up, ready to apologize but she put her hand up stopping me while walking into the room. Jamison stands as well and walks over to her enveloping her in a hug. I stand there, unsure of what to do while Jamison soothes his mother's rigid cries. When Herman, Arnold and Jamison's father, walk in and embraces both of them, I do the only thing I know I should do. I leave them to grieve and pray.
I pass Arnold's room on the way out and take a long look at the happy little boy's tiny escape from reality. His projects from my class are hung up on the walls and in the corner is a small blue bean bag chair that has seen better days. I walk in a little further and see a picture on his small blue wooden desk that faces the window. I lean in for a closer look at and see the family that everyone else outside these walls may see as dysfunctional, but Arnold sees as home, and I have no doubts in my mind.
He didn't run away.

"Leaving today big brother?" Amari asks when I returned back at my parent's house.
After leaving the Peterman's home, I headed to my old stomping grounds and spoke with my old staff and my former principal. Seeing everyone's faces, I thought would be hard. In my mind, they all saw the interview and were just waiting on the right time to bring it up. However, the longer I spoke with them and the more people I spoke to, I realized they either didn't see it, or they weren't going to feed into the bullshit of media tales.
Even if it were true.
"Yes. Thought I would get some rest in before my flight in a few hours. Just you home?"
"I don't know. I just got in myself. Knew it was your last day so I took off early, swung by to feed missy and headed here." Amari's cat Missy is a one eyed, three-legged fur ball that she obtained from Amy's veterinary clinic, but Amari loves her, so we don't say anything.
"You mind if I ask you something?" Amari asks while walking into the kitchen.
I follow behind her and she grabs a water from the fridge for me and her. We sit together at the dining room table and both take a moment before she continues.
"You think people will look at me differently when they find out what I've been through?"
"Honestly?" Amari shrugs and I continue. "Yes, I do. Not that it's a bad thing. People are built to have empathy for others. It's a pretty normal reaction when you see someone that has been through something you cannot ever imagine going through yourself. But no matter what, at the end of the day, people respect the fact that you're strong enough to go through what you went through and came up on top if it all."
Amari looks somberly at me. This is why I both hate and love my sisters. I know I can easily turn those words over at me, and I love that Amari is looking out for me, but I just haven't learned to forgive myself just yet. I tell Amari all of this and of course my sister has a response for it all.
"Alan. I don't understand why you are so hard on yourself. Addiction is not some flu that comes around once a year and only stays for a few days. It's something you will have to deal with for the rest of your life, just like my illness. I could easily get cancer again, hell, I can get a new one. And as much as it would hurt me, it would have to be something that I deal with. The only way to do that, is to trust your heart to the people around you. We aren't walking around you with kid gloves. We just love you and understand what you're going through. We all have things we aren't proud of that may constantly haunt us, I mean look at Amelia and Mia, but with the help of family and friends and forgiveness, we are able to overcome it."
I look Amari in the eyes. The same eyes I used to stare at when she was finally home from chemotherapy and was bed ridden in her room upstairs while all of us kids were forced to sleep in the den. The doctors told my parents we couldn't be around her because of her weakened immune system, but every night I would sneak upstairs to her room, past my mom lying in an uncomfortable chair and just stare at her. After the first few days of doing it, she would open her eyes when I walked inside and stare right back at me. We wouldn't speak to each other, wouldn't say a word out loud. I don't know if it's because we didn't want to wake my mother, or if we just didn't need words to communicate. Even now as I stare at one of strongest women I know, I understand what she is saying without speaking.
"I'm scared Amari. I'm scared this is going to overcome my mind and slowly destroy me. I'm pushing everyone away that cares about me, that loves me, all because of this stupid addiction."
I have tears flowing down my cheeks but for once I don't care. I want to let this out. I want to finally get this pain and fear out of my heart.
"Alan." I turn and see dad standing at the kitchen's entrance. I'm about to start speaking but he beats me to it. "Son, this is something you will get though, but not without help. You are not weak for going to people who care about you for help. You're weak if you don't take it." I turn to see Amari walking out of the kitchen, kissing me on my cheek on the way out.
"Dad I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I never told you I was still struggling with this. I just didn't want to add stress to you or shame you in anyway." I stand up and approach him and dad walks over gripping me by my shoulders.
"Son, you can never shame me. As for stressing me out? Son, I've known for a while that something was wrong. I can see it in your eyes that you were hurting. I'm the one who's sorry. I'm sorry you feel like you couldn't come to me with this. I will always be here for you Alan, and if you feel like this campaign is going to make your life a living hell, then I will quit right now."
"No, dad. I can't live in a world where people pretend with me. Even if you quit, people still know what I did. I need to overcome this whole thing."
"No son. We need to overcome his. You are not alone. Between your sisters, your mother, me and Anna. We would never let you down nor give up on you. But you have to trust us enough to let us in. Tell us what you're going through and that you're struggling. Hold you head up high son."
I hug my father, the man I've looked up to since I could walk, the man I've witnessed in more ways than one that he would do anything for his family. After our hug we both sit at the dining room table and talk. We talk the entire time about everything I've been feeling, and even some of the things he's done in his past that he wasn't essentially proud of. When it's time for me to leave, I hug Amari good bye, thank her, and head to the airport with my father.
I had texted Jared earlier that day and told him I needed a ride from the airport. He reminded me that we had been invited to a Christmas party with the Nightmare Warriors at their clubhouse. I agreed but I feel a tad bit nervous about seeing Anna so soon before I could apologize. Saying goodbye to dad was bittersweet but he promises that he has a surprise for Christmas. Dad never could keep secrets so once I guess that he and the family will come down to see me for Christmas, he spills and admits to it.
Landing in New York feels like a surreal moment. My plane was delayed a couple of hours due to a mean winter storm coming in, so when Jared picks me up, he mentions we are going straight to the Christmas party. I ask him if he is nervous about spending time in a club full of bikers, but he just shrugs and tells me that he is more nervous about spending a holiday with family. I always forget about him and Candice's story.
Jared thought he was an only child his whole life. Little did he know a hot little red headed nurse was just miles away from him thinking the same thing. I don't mention the hot little nurse part because although Jared isn't extremely close with Candice, he is as over protective as any brother should be.
We arrive within an hour to the club the Warriors have closed down for the day for the family and friends only Christmas party. There are dozens and dozens of bikes out font and a few cars as well. I can see Anna's silver Mercedes, so I know she is already here. A ping of jealousy hits me right in the chest when I think of how good she probably looks right now and how all those single bikers are no doubt hitting on her.
I walk a little too eagerly for my own good to the entrance causing Jared to chuckle at me and nearly jog to keep up.
Walking into club Magic causes me to have a brisk holiday jitter. My mother is a huge Christmas fanatic, but this is a lot, even for her. There are decorations everywhere. Green and red streamers, dancing Santa clauses, reindeer literally floating in the air. There are hundreds of sparkling lights hung up around and a large Christmas tree decorated with candy canes and small green and red bulbs. It looks like someone took Christmas and threw it up in here.
Jared spots the girls right away and begins to move towards them. I take my time walking over to them. Anna is stunning as always, I want to walk over and just pretend like everything last week didn't happen but don't want to come off as a jackass. I'm sure she told Laynie about our break up and in turn Jared's moody ass probably knows. Laynie is wearing a long red blouse that zig zags in the back and black skinny jeans. Her hair is down and curly, she looks beautiful. Anna is wearing a silver sparkly blouse and a black short skirt that has me adjusting myself before I get to her. Her hair is my favorite style tight now. Up in a messy ponytail that is begging me to grip it tight while she rides me.
Yeah, definitely coming off as an asshole tonight.
"Alan? Hi, I'm Candice, I don't think we've properly met." I turn and see the nurse that once helped Jared and Laynie when they were in the hospital. At the time, none of knew who she really was or what she would come to mean to Jared.
"Hi Candice. Great party. I think you missed a spot over in the corner next to the dancing elves though." She laughs at my joke and I know I will immediately love her.
"Jared tells me you're his best friend." I nod my head and see her looking over to Jared then back to me a few times. I can tell she wants to go over and be near her brother but is probably a little reserved in doing so. Discovering you have a brother and that he is actually interested in having a relationship with you at their age can't be easy.
"Why don't you come over with me? That way you can say hi to Laynie and Jared." She looks petrified, but I grab her hand and begin the walk. I'm not sure if she can feel my tension as we are walking up or not. Anna looks over and sees me coming but makes no move to cut me off and curse me out or to walk away before I can get there. That's a good sign, I think.
"Candice, Hi. This is a great Christmas party. I love the decorations." Laynie practically yells. I think she is a bit nervous too.
Jared gently pats her on the back and makes introductions around the small circle we have formed. Candice's mother, Jessica, nudges Candice in the arm and then points to Jared. We all look around a little confused but I'm guessing by Candice's blush, that she has something for Jared.
"Um, well, I didn't know if, because if it's lame, well, not lame, that sounds immature to say, but if you wanted to, I don't know…"
"Good God woman, spit it out." Screams an older lady in a large Christmas moo moo.
She is sitting at the bar next to a couple of prospects and looks like she is actually out drinking them.
"That's my grandma, sorry. What I was trying to say was, that I got you something Jared. It's not much, and I didn't want to come across as too forward but…"
"We got you something too Candy." Jared says with a small smile. I can tell he is really enjoying having a little sister now.
Jared and Candice walk over to the front of the club, with Laynie and Jessica taking pictures in tow, to exchange their gifts. I stare straight at them, not wanting to look in any other direction because that would mean I would have to face Anna, and I'm not sure I can right now.
"So, you just going to ignore me all night?" I hear her say and I take all the courage I have from being with my family this past week and turn towards her. She is wearing little to no makeup, my favorite look on her, and it's taking every bit of self-control I have not to grovel at her feet.
"I'm sorry Anna. I am so sorry I wasn't able to talk to you about how I felt or that I was scared. I guess I was just trying to live in a world where my problems didn't exist, but that only made them rise to the surface faster." I look down once more. I recall all the horrible things I said to her and want to punch myself in the face.
"You seem to have a new outlook on life. Did the shit you spout at me come around and hit you in the dick like I was hoping?" She crosses her arms and looks away from me. I deserve the cold shoulder she's giving me right now and know I need to earn her trust back. I may not be her boyfriend anymore, but a friend wouldn't deal with that shit either.
"Amari kind of made me face my shit and come to terms with everything. I spoke with dad too. I guess this week showed me that I shouldn't dwell on the past. Too many terrible things can happen in the world for me to be selfish." I think about what poor Peter and Arnold might be going through at the moment and want to vomit all over the animatronic Santa Claus next to me.
Anna looks back over to where Laynie and Jessica are laughing at Jared and Candice taking pictures of the gifts they got each other.
"Well I'm glad you understand that Alan." She looks towards me and I can see her face become gentler. "Look, I didn't come here to give you shit. I just wanted you to know that I do take some credit for that night. I think I always will."
Before I can say anything back to her, a few of the warriors come running over to where Austin, the president and Candice's boyfriend, is sitting down at the bar with his brother Max. I wasn't able to meet them just yet but when we first got here, but Jared pointed them out to me. I look back over to Anna and am about to ask her if she wants to go outside for some privacy, but she gasps out loud and runs over to the entrance. I stare stunned as none other than Craig Delula walk into the club. This can't be good.