Chapter 79

Alan
I had always assumed I had strength. The strength to move towards my goal as a teacher. The strength to move to a whole new city. The strength to say no anytime someone would offer me a drink at their dinner party, or a small get together. I had no idea that strength, real strength, came from pain.
As I sit in my small blue plastic chair sipping on my overly stale coffee and listen to other people talk about what they have endured. What they have gone through, the horrible things they have done to get that last sip, or last hit. I realize that strength, real strength is a small part of what I would need to keep fighting my demons.
It has been a week since I have been back in New York. I did what I was meant to do. I went to work, came home, graded papers, said hello to Delilah every morning, saw Laynie and Jared a few times for dinner, everything that was expected of me.
What I didn't do, was relax.
My mind couldn't.
I was too wrapped up in what I had found on my first day back at work. No news on Peter and the authorities have called in the FBI because over the weekend, there were two new missing kids, one from Michigan, the other from North Carolina, same things in common with Peter and Arnold. I wanted to scream, I wanted to go looking for him myself. But when I spoke with my father, he informed me that there was nothing I could do.
Anna hasn't been in contact with me all week and I have tried calling her over and over again. I even broke down and told Laynie and Jared over dinner one night about our fight. I didn't go into details because they never knew about Anna's past, but I did tell them about my fear for embarrassment to my family because of my past. Laynie hugged me and Jared slugged my arm hard and told me to man the fuck up. At first, I thought he was just trying to make a joke. It wasn't until the next day when he showed up at my work right after class got out, to go with me to the AA meeting he set up in my name.
Now here I am, day three of meetings. I decided to do one every day because it genuinely felt right. No one knew who I was. No one had known what I had done. No one saw me as the monster. The few people that were there in the meeting located sixteen miles outside the city limits, that did recognize me, never said anything. They knew me as the son of the guy that didn't go to the charity dinner for the homeless, which I was perfectly fine with.
"So, I started hurting her. I hadn't even realized I was doing it until each time I moved, she would flinch." A woman named Carla continues her story to the room. We are all surrounding her in a circle of blue and green plastic chairs and are all listening intently to her story.
Carla was a single mom that began struggling with her job and daughter, age six. She was getting frustrated easily and thought one day to have a drink. She kept having that same reoccurring thought and eventually would buy alcohol before food or pay a light bill. Her daughter began questioning her, which in turn frustrated Carla even more. Carla began being rough with her daughter. Slapping her, pushing her into walls, small things, or so she thought.
Eventually Carla got her daughter taken away from her. She was placed in a foster home since Carla had no family near her. It has been eight months since she was able to have her daughter at home but every day she is working towards her goal. We all give her a round of applause when she finishes, telling us that she got a raise at work and was accepted into an apartment.
When it came my turn to speak I look around at the group of people that have heard my story and have no judgements behind their eyes. At first, I didn't want to tell my story. These people had been through more in their lives than I have. A breakup with my girlfriend didn't sound like a good enough reason to have a drinking problem, but when I told them the story, the whole story of what I had done to Edith, they didn't judge me. Some of them nodded their heads when I told them about Anna and I's relationship, as if they could relate to a heart being broken.
After the meeting ends, a few people stand around talking to each other and drinking coffee and juice. I say goodnight to everyone and am heading to the parking lot to get into my car when I hear my name being called from behind me. I turn and come face to face with Carla. I meet her halfway and look around the parking lot. Everyone seems to be running to their car and quickly getting inside. Christmas is in three days and the cold and chilly air has gotten more frigid.
"Hey, sorry to stop you from getting home, but I was wondering if I can get a ride? The bus didn't run tonight so I'm a little stuck out here right now." I say noting at first. I look round the parking lot thinking she may not be speaking to me in the first place.
"You're talking to me, right?" I ask pointing at my chest. Carla giggles a little then walks closer to my side.
"Yes, I am talking to you. You mentioned you're a teacher over at Edgemont Elementary, that isn't far from my home, do you mind?" I shake my head before I can even think of answer. "Great, thanks Alan, I really appreciate this."
I unlock both doors and hop inside. When she hops in I mentally castrate myself for not getting the door for her. This whole scenario has me feeling a little uncomfortable. Not because of her past, but because I haven't been next to a woman since Anna, and I don't know how to feel about that. Besides Laynie and Delilah, I have no other women I see on a daily basis.
I turn the car on and immediately turn the heater to the max. I can see Carla shivering and know her small light jacket and scarf aren't going to keep her warm alone. Making my way out of the parking lot, we come into a small silence on our way to her house.
"So, how do you like being a teacher?"
She fills majority of the car ride with small talk about herself. We discuss her working at a local restaurant and hating it, her determining if she is going to go back to school eventually for cosmetology, and even how she is able to see her daughter on the weekends now. I listen to everything she says and chime in every now and then about growing up in Minneapolis and growing up with four younger sisters. Carla makes a joke about having no siblings and how believe it or not, I am pretty blessed. She didn't have to tell me that.
We pull up about forty minutes later to her apartment she shares with three other women and before she steps out of the car she leans against the seat, closes her eyes and blows out a breath. I know she is about to say something, but I don't know if I can hear it. It's late, my mind is on the next few days and dealing with my family all at my place. My mind is also on Anna and how much I miss the hell out of her.
"Alan, can I ask you something?" I nod my head, but her eyes are still closed, so I verbally tell her yes. She takes a few calming breaths and when she opens her eyes, I can see the anguish lying there.
"You mentioned today that you are still healing from your broken heart with your ex, and that you have forgiven her but haven't forgotten. You also mentioned that you still love and care about her. I guess what I wanted to ask you, is how do you know you have forgiven her? How do you know your heart can take it, if you give her another chance?" I look deep into her profile and when she meets my gaze I look towards the road.
The truth is, I don't know how to answer that. I feel as though I have forgiven Anna. I mean it's been over two years now and yet the reason we broke up this time was because I went off on her, blaming her for all my insecurities. Anna isn't the one to blame for my drinking, deep down I knew that the moment the sip of whiskey touched my lips. I hated what she had to say to me that night and hated her even more for not telling me in the first place, but I can never truly blame her for my mistakes. No, those were all mine to make.
"I know this is a lot to ask of you. The ride home will honestly be sufficient if you want. I just thought I could use some advice from that aspect. See, Cassie's birth father is back in town. When he found out I was pregnant he didn't want anything to do with me. After he left I figured I could do it all myself. But with being laid off and struggling with a newborn baby, I sort of fell off the wagon. He wants to see her, He wants to meet her, and I don't know what to tell him. He's got money and he can get her out of foster care, but how do I trust him? How do I set aside all my hate and pain?" There are tears in her eyes and I can tell she is truly struggling with this.
"To be honest Carla. Your situation is much different than mine. I forgave Anna for breaking my heart but in a way, this man didn't just break your heart, he broke your daughters. If things were completely fine right now instead of her in foster care, would you still be contemplating this?" She looks over to me and her face stills.
I face the front of the car again and lean my body forward, laying my arms across the steering wheel. I lay my chin atop my arms and continue my conversation.
"If you're going to forgive him for what he did, then don't do it for him. Don't do even do it for your daughter, because that will be one day up to her. Forgive him for yourself. Otherwise your anger and hatred to what he did to you, will always haunt you. Even if this man decided to up and leave you again, you know deep down, it isn't you. It's him."
Carla contemplates my speech for a few minutes. The engine continues to idly run, and I can see the windows are starting to fog from our talk. I see her adjust her jacket and tighten her scarf and can tell she is getting ready to head out. I look up at the small apartment and narrow my eyes. The darkened complex has me getting out of my car as well and opening her door.
"Oh, you didn't have to walk me up."
"Aw, it's no big deal. My mom would kill me if I didn't. I swear the woman can sense when I'm not being a gentleman."
"Perhaps that's your subconscious. I would only hope I am in Cassie's head as much as she is in mine. As a mom, you just want to do enough for your children. Problem is when you do that, they only see stress and frustration instead of love and support. Seems your mother did it right." I stay silent as we make out way up the stairs to her unit.
"This is me. Thank you for driving me and walking me up Alan. So, I'll you see next week?" I nod my head at her knowing it is probably true.
Because of the holiday coming up, the meetings are on hold for the rest of the week. As a group we decided that after the holidays we would try and have a small Christmas party, family included, to celebrate the new year and the beginning of a year sober.
"Hey Carla?" I whisper when she rattles for her keys in her purse.
"Hmm?" Her big brown tired eyes glance back over to me.
"You're a good mother. You know that right? Doing everything you're doing, working two jobs, going to your meetings, everything you are doing now is going to pay off soon. I can feel it." I give her what I hope is a reassuring smile and she returns it. She leans in for a hug and I reciprocate.
I walk back down the steps to my car a little more eager because of how late it is and hop in. Tonight went better than expected. I am slowly, little by little, beginning to feel like my old self again.
I get home within twenty minutes and immediately hop in the shower. Once I brush my teeth, strip down to my boxers, and hop in the bed intent on going straight to sleep, my phone beeps next to my head on my nightstand. I look at it and my heart beat speeds up.
Anna: I miss you Alan. More than you know. I wish I could be with you, but I can't. I have to set you free of this.
I read the text over and over again and then ten times more. The message is confusing but in a way I understand what Anna is saying. It's not our turn yet. For whatever reason we can't be together right now, we will find our way back to each other.
We always will.
I don't reply back. I have no words for what she sent to me anyways. I turn off my phone, lay down and let my dreams of a blonde with an attitude take me away.

I knock and knock and knock again. No answer but that doesn't necessarily surprise me. It's after midnight but my adrenaline is spiked. After speaking with Carla and answering her questions, I realized that my answer was only half right. I don't blame Anan for my drinking problem. But I do have resentment towards her. I need to forgive her. I need to show her that nothing has changed between us.
Another three knocks and I can finally hear her feet padding on the hardwood floor. My heart starts beating faster and I know that without a doubt, Anna is the only woman in this world that could do that to me.
The door opens, and agony immediately feels my heart. I hear my name being gasped by her and when I go to reach for her she attempts to close the door on me. I block it with my hand and use my might to open it and step inside. Anna immediately tries to hide her face from me. With a few more steps from my numb feet, I gently grab her arms and lower them. Her gaze won't move from the floor and I have to grab her chin and lift her face to me.
"Anna, who did this to you?" I ask in a small whisper. I need to remain calm even though everything in me wants to go out and destroy every single person on this planet.
She shakes her head looking right into my eyes. She isn't telling me she doesn't know. She is telling me she can't say. I take her hands in mine, noticing how much they are shaking and trembling, and walk her over to her couch. I can see a dark stain on the carpet next to the couch and immediately recognize it as blood. Not too long ago, I would come home stumbling through my door drunk off my ass hitting my head or leg on something attempting to get to my bed. I know a blood stain when I see one.
Anna reluctantly sits and lets out a breath of pain in doing so. I turn the small lamp light on, located on the nightstand separating the two couches and that's when I'm able to see the actual damage.
Her face is covered in welts. In what was once no doubt dark purple and black bruises along her body are now a greenish yellow. Her right eye is swollen around the socket and her hair is matted and tangled. Her face is pale, like she hasn't seen the light of day in a month. I don't know what happened, but I take a few calming breaths before asking her because if I don't, I will haul her into my arms and won't ever let go.
"Anna, I need you to tell me who did this to you." I cringe when a few tears flow down her face.
"M-my f-father." My eyes bug out of my head and memories of the conversation we had two years ago comes into focus. Her father, her piece of shit father that is of the lowest scum of the Earth, has hurt her.
"Where is he?" I say through cringed teeth. My jaw is aching from grinding my teeth.
Anna shakes her head and covers her face with her hands. I can hear her crying through her hands and it's taking everything I have not to cry along with her. I want to run, I want to hold her, I want to destroy Craig Delula, I want to drink.
"Anna, we need to call the police. We need to file a complaint." I don't ask her what lead to the beating. I don't ask her how long she has been in contact with him. I am taken back to the night of the Christmas party and seeing him there should have been a red flag, but I just figured Anna would handle it.
"Y-you can't Alan. No one c-can know." Her voice sounds extremely raspy and haggard now that she's been crying, and it breaks my heart even more so.
"Why, what the hell is going on?" I'm starting to lose my patience.
"Because Alan, you'll die." I lower my body to the ground and sit right in front of her. Her hands are back on her face and she buries her face into my chest. I don't know what she means but I'm starting to see this as serous.
"Anna, please talk to me babe. I don't know what to do here." I beg.
Anna looks up from my chest and wipes at her tears and nose. I kiss her on her forehead, giving her the reassurance she needs to begin speaking.
"I lied to you Alan. I told you that my parents trained me to be a thief and that he wanted Nicholas's friendship to gain him a ranking on that side of the law. It was only half true." She takes a deep breath and continues.
"My parents, they train children Alan. They take them from whatever home they are in, brainwash them, and train them. My brother and I were the guinea pigs. Jed is strong and cunning and can do anything they ask without a second thought. I can do anything with a computer, including find out anything about someone I may be looking for. Once my father's associates saw that the conditioning was working, they wanted to branch out further. That's why he needed Nicholas. He needed someone in the drug industry to grab young teens that no one would notice missing."
I sit further back and rub my face with my hands. This can't be real. She can't be telling the truth. Anna's family were kidnapping children and torturing them?
"My father was close, but no one wanted to work with him because his idea was to risky, Nicholas included. Six years ago my brother was sent out on a trip to grab a child. He was eleven and had run away from home. Father's associate found him at a train station and held him while Jed picked him up. Turns out it was a set up. Father was supposed to be the one to pick him up, but father saw it for what it was, a trap. The man holding the child was an undercover agent. Father knew something was going wrong and sent Jed in instead. Jed was arrested that night for kidnapping and child tracking. By then I wasn't into the business as much. I had gone to college, father didn't need my skills often but when he did, I would answer. I was the one that located the boy that night."
Tears are flowing heavily down her cheeks and she takes a moment to take a few deep breaths. I cannot believe this. I thought the original story she told me was bad enough. Being our friends for a capital gain was terrible enough, but to find out that was only half the story has me on edge. Anna looks back over to me and calls out my name a few times. I look away because I can't stand to see her eyes.
"Keep going Anna. Get me to here." I say starring over towards the kitchen.
"I came home and found out what happened to Jed. I was furious, I couldn't believe father would turn his own child in like that. So I told him I wanted out. In order for you to leave the business, you have to survive the night. I waited them out as they tortured me, beat me, everything you can imagine and left. I never found out who the undercover agent was, and I never spoke with my family again. At least until this past year."
I stand up and walk over to Anna's fridge, I don't know if I can listen to her tell me the rest of this story. She mentioned that her father had hurt her tonight, she also said she was doing it to protect me. I feel so lost in all of this right now, so much so that I don't know which way is up. I grab a bottle of water but eye the bottle of vodka that she has stashed in the back of the fridge.
I walk back over to the couch and pass the water back to Anna. She eagerly drinks half and continues with a clearer voice.
"Jed had written me a letter when I lived in Minneapolis. He told me he had gotten help in prison and wanted to help the feds take down our father and the business. I went along with his idea. I wanted revenge as much as Jed did. He told me he had help, help that a detective was offering. The plan is for when Jed is released from prison, he is to pretend to go along with father's plans. Then once Jed has him down for a pick up, we got him."
"So, where the hell does that leave you Anna?" My worry is getting stronger and stronger and I don't know if I'll be able to take what she has to say to me.
"I have to be there too Alan. I have no choice." I shake my head rapidly.
"No Anna. I won't let you do this to yourself."
"I'm not doing this for me, I'm doing it for you. Don't you see Alan. I can't have anything happen to you. I couldn't forgive myself."
My heart speeds rapidly. Her family kidnaps children, young children and teens and turn them into whatever they want and need, and Anna fucking helps. She helps destroy lives. I stand and make my over to the door. I hear my name being called from behind by her, but I make no effort in stopping. I can't stay here. I have to get out of here. Too much guilt. Too much pain. Too much turmoil.
I turn the knob and look back one more time at the woman I love and leave her life once and for all.

I'm drunk. I'm beyond drunk. My vision isn't blurred, it's pitch black. I have no idea what time it is, but my thoughts still going a million miles an hour which has me thinking it hasn't been that long since I left Anna's apartment. I try lifting my head up from my forearm, but it's no use. The heaviness of my head matches the one in my heart. I broke a vow. I drank. I wanted to drink until I could no longer feel the pain radiated through my body, but it was no use. I have no idea where I am right now, but my mind is still on the bruised and battered girl I left sobbing, calling out my name on her couch.
Discovering everything last night about what Anna has been through has made me sick. I feel darkness closing in on me from each direction and I welcome it. I deserve anything that has happened to me. I deserve pain.
"Alan?" I move my face away from the small voice igniting my blood. Anna?
"Alan, wake up." I moan but make no attempts to open my eyes.
"Alan, I will throw water on your face." Got to be Anna.
I grit my teeth and attempt to open my eyes. Having water thrown on you while you're still clearly intoxicated is a fucking nightmare. No way do I want to deal with that shit. I get one eye open while the other still tries. White walls greet me and in the corner of my eye I can see the black metal staircase I have come to know by heart. I'm home. Oh God, did I drive?
"Where's my car?" I mumble. My voice is extremely raspy.
"I don't know, I just sort of found you here. I'm sure it's where you parked it last night though."
I turn towards the small light voice and see Delilah staring into my eyes. She lifts her head up a smidge and I notice she is wearing her black tank that has the Creations logo on it. Pain slices through my head as I attempt to stand and fall back down on my ass.
"Easy big fella. Wouldn't want you to fall down the beanstalk. Just stay down and I'll grab you some water. You need to take a second before you attempt to stand. Judging by all the liquor bottles littering the hallway, I'm assuming you got pretty smashed." Delilah begins standing to walk over to her apartment door, but my arm lashes out and stops her. She looks down at her arm then to me and back again. I take my warning of letting her the fuck go, then ask the question that just came through my mind.
"Wait, you said I have alcohol bottles everywhere? I drank here last night?"
"That's my guess. Came home last night and heard you talking to yourself in your apartment. When I came out this morning, you were passed out right here on the ground. Had a few drinks around you. If you're worried about you drinking and driving last night, it looks like you didn't."
I breath out a breath of fresh air.
I didn't drink and drive.
I may have gotten sloshed while at home, but I never had the thought of driving. I thank God my sober subconscious made an appearance last night. I drank, and that's still a big no no, but at least I don't have to worry about hurting someone or going into work since it's Christmas break.
"Thank you, Delilah." She eyes me curiously but nods her head in return.
Delilah goes into her apartment and returns a few minutes later with a banana, a water, and some aspirin. I happily take all three and wait twenty minutes with her, talking about her horrible date last night and how she can't find a decent hot guy in this city. After declaring I can stand up and maneuver, I make my way into my apartment with one last thank you to her. My mind remains on Anna and how I treated her while I take a hot shower and brush my teeth.
I grab my cell, tucked into my jeans pocket and attempt to call her but get no answer. The second time I try calling it goes straight to voicemail.
She's ignoring me on purpose.
I feel lost.
I feel incomplete.
I cannot believe I left her last night on her own after finding everything out.
She must hate me.
I grab my keys and after chugging down another bottle of water, make my way down to the parking lot. My car awaits me, unscathed and perfect and I blow out another breath. Delilah had told me that I was sober when I came home last night but I thank God she was right anyways.
Before I can start my car up, my cell rings. I answer it before I can even see who was calling me.
"Alan?" Jared calls from the other side of the phone.
"Jared, hey man, I don't have much time right now. I need to go down to the police station."
"Just come here man, detective Stephanson is here."