Mabel Shot Part 3

“Born false, hard, imperious, barbaric, selfish, equally a prodigy in pleasures as a miser when he should be useful, a liar, a glutton, a drunkard, a coward, a sodomite, an incestuous, an arsonist, a thief, not a single virtue could compensate for so many vices...”
I feel the first shock wave run through my body as the machine is activated, shooting electric currents through my nerves. My body struggles on top of the mattress, pushing my hips upward, biting the leather teether with all my strength, sinking my teeth in with pressure, letting the grotesque sounds of my muffled screams come out as an almost inaudible noise. Drool runs down the corner of my lips, while I feel my belly contract, my skin burn and the uncontrolled defibrillation of my heartbeat, which accelerates. My twisted fingers grip the mattress, crushing it with fury and despair, with hot tears streaming down my eyes, wishing it would stop. What probably takes seconds, to me seems like an eternity in hell. I release all my body weight onto the mattress as my muscles relax, after the shock waves stop.
“What am I saying? Not only did he not revere any, he was horrified by them all, and time and time again I heard him say that a man, to be truly happy in this world, should not only indulge in all vices, but also never allow himself a virtue, and that the trick was not only to always do evil, but even never to do good.”
" Mabel. — The calm touch of Macro's fingers on my shoulder makes me slowly stand up, looking at him. — Think about it, maybe it could be good for you — Macro murmurs and looks at me sadly. " A safe place, where you can learn to control your desires, without the risk of getting hurt.
My eyes shift from his and I stare at the lamppost on the other side of the street, seeing a bird land on it, looking as lonely and tired as I always did.
" A person who doesn't know why they're here, is because they also don't know where they're going. — He presses his chest against my back and keeps me close to his body. — Where are you going, little bird?
The intimidating voice invades my mind, leaving only it inside my head, pushing the memories away. I didn't know how to answer his question, I never knew where I'm going. I just seek calm for my demons, which I can't control. A broken, immobilized creature, with my voice taken from me, a bird with clipped wings, who can't fly. That's what I had become.
" Why did you really take me to that place, Macro? — I ask him and keep my eyes on the bird. — Because I thought that the best way for you to be happy — I lower my eyes and look into his, listening to what he says — is not by holding your demons, but by learning to live with them — Macro whispers and a smile forms on his lips. — I had to learn to deal with my demons in order to move forward.
"Macro, I know that in a very wrong way, you had good intentions in wanting to take me there, but I don't think anyone from that place can help me. — I shrug and drink my beer.
" Of course they can! Look... — he says quickly and looks at me with his bright eyes. — There are counselors inside Sodom, some of them teach you how to deal with everything you feel. The man who took you into the circle, he is one of the counselors...
"How can you be so sure, if you haven't even seen him?! He could very well be a pervert who enjoys group sex. — I shake my head, laughing at Macro, not wanting to let him see how that strange man affected me. — I didn't see him, but I know he's a counselor — he answers seriously and takes a sip of his beer. — Only the counselors and the chosen ones would participate in the privilege. The big guy who took you, for sure, is a counselor.
I remain silent, absorbing his information, regrouping it in my mind, connecting the dots of that night.
" The girl who chose you to take to one of the counselors, that counselor was him, wasn't it?! The man you've been fucking? — I ask, thoughtfully, and raise my face to Macro, seeing the answer in his guilty eyes. — You knew you would be chosen, that's why you took us to the front of the audience.
" I knew, okay? — he says, quietly, squeezing the bottle in his fingers.
" Oh, shit, how could you take me there? — I say, upset, staring at him.
" Knowing that you would be chosen to participate in that orgy[23]?! And he would have to leave me in the middle of it all...
" It never crossed my mind that you would also be chosen by one of the counselors. At most, I thought you would go to the bar and get drunk.
I take a deep breath and close my eyes. Yes, I was actually on my way to do exactly that before I was picked up from the ground and thrown onto that man's shoulders, looking like a downed prey that had been fooled by a large predator.
"A counselor can help you, he must be a master in some sexual practice within of Sodom — Macro says softly. I open my eyes and see him bite his lip. — Maybe this counselor can teach you to control yourself.
" Okay, Macro, assuming that the muscular Russian version of Master
Miyagi[24] — I raise my fingers and make quotation marks for him, looking at him in disbelief —, can help me control my perverted demons, how do you think it would have to be done? It certainly wouldn't be with a theoretical class. — I lower my hand and give him a sad smile. — I don't know if I can go through that again without losing my lucidity completely.
"Mabel, I know what you went through. — Macro reaches out and touches
my shoulder, making me look at him. — I think you're ready to give yourself a chance to at least try. Don't let what Nate did to you keep you like this for the rest of your life, just surviving instead of living.
" I'm scared — I mutter cowardly and look at the beer. — I don't want to feel like I have no control over my desires again. What if it doesn't work out, what if instead of helping me it only makes things worse? What am I going to do with my life, Macro? This man will want to subdue me, being with someone like that will make me defenseless, just like that animal did to me five years ago.
" Do I look defenseless to you? — Macro looks at me affectionately and shakes his head slowly from side to side. — Being with him makes me feel good, in a way that gives me peace with myself, Bel. — Macro takes a step forward and kisses my cheek, smiling affectionately at me. — I have to go now, he's waiting for me. We'll talk tomorrow — he says seriously, and looks at me. — If you want, I can talk to him and ask him to find someone to help you, try to identify who the counselor who was with you is...
" No, I'll pass. — I shake my head and drink my beer. — I'll leave this whole The Crime of Father Amaro[25] thing to you! Macro laughs and pinches my arm, because of the ironic joke I make using the reference to the controversial romance between a young priest and a maiden, which ends in misfortune and with the death of the fruit that was born from their involvement.
“Funny!” he mutters, laughing, and turns around, heading to his car. “He’s the only one inside Sodom, the others aren’t religious.”
“Isn’t that a bit strange?” I mumble, lost, wondering how far this line that Macro crossed is acceptable.
“What?” he asks me and walks around the car, stopping in front of the driver’s door and looking at me.