Chapter 114: It Still Hurts

ELLIE

I frowned in confusion. Why was he asking me that? Did it have something to do with another business trip? The thought alone made me uneasy.

“Why are you asking that?”

“I'm trying to figure out if you liked it and if you'd want to get to know it better.”

“What does that mean?”

“Neil and Rosie decided to spend New Year’s in the countryside, and I thought we could join them. Looks like Jason and Phillipa are going too.”

“What about the others? Didn't they invite them?”

“I don’t know. Why? Are you going to miss Zoe?” he teased.

“On second thought, it seems better this way,” I laughed. “Don’t get me wrong, I love her, but we both know how persistent she can be.”

“Yeah, but I’m pretty sure we can find better things to do than talk about Zoe,” he said, beginning to move his hips between my legs.

“Don't you want to know my answer?” I bit my lip, trying to control my breathing.

“You can talk while I do this.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Want me to stop?”

“No. I don’t. But we have to if you want an answer.”

“I can wait until tomorrow.”

“Ethan...”

“Let’s not ruin Christmas, remember?”

“I'm sorry, but I can't with all these things in my head.”

“Okay.” He stopped. “What’s bothering you?”

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to clear my mind and calm my desire. Placing my hand on his chest, I gently pushed him away so he would get off me.

When he did, I slid up to the headboard, pulling the sheet over my body. He shifted on the bed, moving closer to sit beside me.

“I’m sorry... It’s just that you’re inviting me on a trip, but we just argued because of Todd, and I think we really should take things slow.”

“You know, that whole ‘taking it slow’ thing is just because you’re scared. But we’re way past that now, love,” he said, looking into my eyes. “I understand that you can’t fully trust me right now, but in time, you’ll see you can. I’ll be patient, and for everything else, we’ll make it work.”

“You make it sound so simple.”

“I just know I can’t be without you, so please, I just need a leap of faith.”

“I want to. I really do, but...” A lump formed in my throat, and a familiar pain resurfaced, tightening my chest.

“Please, don’t cry,” he reached for my face, caressing it.

“I always knew you had issues, because of your past... the fear, the insecurity. You always said I deserved better... but you made me believe you wanted this, that you’d give it your best, and I believed it because I wanted it so much too. Then you gave up. You left me... And it hurt in a way I can’t even describe. It still hurts,” I confessed, feeling tears well up in my eyes. “I’m not saying I didn’t make mistakes, but I thought I was doing my best. But we both know this was always about what happened to you in the past, not about Todd or your work trips. It’s always been about what she did to you.”

“Yes, you’re right. I’m sorry for hurting you, for not being strong or brave enough to face it sooner. I’ll never forgive myself for causing you pain, or for almost losing you. But you were also my biggest reason to confront it. You said you’d wait for me, and here I am, ready to beg for the chance to prove I’m ready. No promises this time—I just want you to let me show you.”

“I’m just... scared.”

“Please, don’t cry. We’re together again, and that’s all that matters. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. I just need you to believe in me.”

“I want to believe. I really do, but I can’t stop feeling this way.”

“That’s okay. We’ll do this at your pace. I just need you to let me do it, okay? Let me show you I’m ready. I just need time with you, love, to make every doubt disappear. Can you give me that?”

“That’s the problem. Even if I wanted to, I could never say no to you.”

“Ellie...”

“Because I love you.”

“I love you too. Never doubt that. But you’re scaring the hell out of me right now, making me think you’re not sure you want this.” He leaned forward, pressing his forehead against mine. “I thought we had a deal. I’ll be your lab rat for as long as it takes, remember?”

The idea made me smile through my tears.

“Yes.”

“Good.” He kissed me softly. “I can’t stop you from being afraid, but I’ll always be here, and I want you to talk to me when you feel this way, okay?”

I nodded.

“I’m sorry, I should be supporting you, and that’s what I want to do.”

I wanted to support him and help him leave everything behind, but it felt like I was doing the opposite, with my fear and insecurity.

“Don’t worry. You’re here, and that’s all I need,” he said, pulling me against his chest as we lay back on the bed.

Hearing his heartbeat calmed me a little.

“There’s something I’d like to ask,” I said, hesitating.

“What?”

“How do you feel now, about everything that happened in your past?”

He didn’t seem tense, but he took a moment to answer.

“Don’t worry. I’ve already told you, I feel better than ever.”

His response left me slightly disappointed. Maybe he wasn’t ready to talk openly about it yet, and that made me feel like there’d always be a barrier between us.

I needed him to be honest with me, to tell me his feelings and thoughts. I needed something to hold onto to feel less afraid. I wanted proof he was improving.

On the other hand, all he was asking for was time, and a little patience. So, I’d give him that.

“Yes,” I said.

“Yes, what?” He stared at me, confused.

“I’ll go on the trip with you.”

He smiled genuinely before leaning in to kiss my forehead.

“Thank you, I’m looking forward to it.”

“But we still need to figure out what to do about my neighbor.”

“I’m not asking you to move; I just want you to do it if you want to.”

“I think I need to do it for us.”

“Whatever you decide, I want you to know I trust you.”

“So...” I sat up, straddling his lap. “Is it okay if I decide to stay friends with him?” I teased.

“That’s not what I meant. But you want to hear you were right. So, fine. You were right. It bothers me to see him around you, and I’d rather you had no contact.”

“Like a jealous boyfriend?” I bit my lip, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes, like a jealous boyfriend,” he said before grabbing me, flipping us over so he was on top. “Like a caveman,” he whispered, lowering his head to kiss between my breasts.

“God... It seems impossible, but that Santa hat somehow makes you even hotter,” I confessed, holding his face.

“You think so? Maybe I should wear it more often, then.”

“But we only have Christmas once a year.” I pouted.

“We can make our own Christmas, whenever we want.”

“And you’ll cook wearing just that for me?” I teased, adjusting the hat on his head.

“Yes, and then I’ll punish you.”

“Hmm, then I’ll make sure to be a very bad girl.”

“That reminds me, I still have the rest of the night to punish you,” he whispered before grinding against me again.

“I guess this is not what they mean by ‘Silent Night’” I murmured, biting my lip, making us both laugh.