Chapter 31: Deny It All You Want

ELLIE

I ran out of the restaurant, leaving Will and Ethan behind. Luckily, Todd wasn’t waiting for me anymore. Making him wait had been a real jerk move on my part. And knowing I’d made him wait just to hook up with Ethan in the bathroom made me feel ten times worse.

Damn it, Ellie! Have you lost your mind? It was supposed to be a one-time thing. Having sex with him in a restaurant bathroom wasn’t part of the plan. I wanted to regret it. I really did. But hell, it had been so good. One of the most thrilling experiences of my life. It was too late for regrets. Morgan might make me lose my mind, but the fact that I wanted it too didn’t help.

Doing this made things more complicated between us. I could handle having spent just one night with him, but letting it happen again was a mistake and opened the door to thinking he was interested. Especially because he kept asking questions about Todd, demanding to know if I was going to get back with him.

Did he care? That didn’t make any sense. But the way he seemed pissed after seeing me with Todd, that wasn’t the behavior of someone who didn’t care.

Why the hell was I thinking about this? It didn’t matter if he cared about me or not. He made it very clear he was only interested in sex. All of this was a mistake, one that couldn’t happen again. I had to stay away from Ethan. I couldn’t let him think I’d be his sex toy.

Shit. Now Will knew, which meant Anna would find out soon too. It would be easier to forget all of this if I didn’t have to explain it to her, but now I would. I considered texting her. Maybe if I told her before Will, she wouldn’t kill me. But what should I say?

I started typing as I walked down the sidewalk, heading home.

*Good morning! Sorry I didn’t mention it before, but I slept with that asshole Morgan.*

No. That didn’t sound good.

Maybe just...

*Slept with Ethan, and Will saw us...*

No. How about...

*I’ll tell you everything! Don’t believe a word Will says.*

That sounded good. I hit send.

I didn’t find Todd when I got home. I wanted to apologize in person, but he must’ve already left for work, so I sent him a message apologizing and saying I’d gotten sick. I prayed he hadn’t seen Ethan at the restaurant.

*

Anna showed up earlier than usual. She had already sent me dozens of messages. Some were threats, and the others were like: I can’t believe you slept with him! Oh my God! Did you really sleep with him in the bathroom?

"I should kill you!" she said, stopping in front of my desk. "Why didn’t you tell me?"

"So, all I have to do is sleep with someone to get you here ten minutes early?" I teased.

"Who said you’re allowed to joke? I’m really mad at you."

"I’m sorry."

"I thought you told me everything." She sat in the chair across from my desk, tucking a strand of her dark hair behind her ear.

"Well, I was going to tell you, I just hadn’t decided when. But now I know Will can’t keep a secret."

"He’s pissed at Ethan and worried about you."

"I’m sorry. He wasn’t supposed to see us."

"So, you could keep hiding it from us?" She raised an eyebrow.

"No! This was a mistake, Anna. It was supposed to be just one time."

"Right. You’ve got ten minutes to tell me everything, every little detail."

"What do you want to know?"

"Will said you went to Ethan’s apartment. Is that true?" How did Will know that? Ethan didn’t want anyone to know about us, maybe Will had pressured him into talking.

"Yes."

"I thought you said you’d find someone less of an asshole."

"I thought you said it could be just about sex."

"Yeah. I did. I’m not judging you. I just want to know why you changed your mind."

"He makes me feel things no one has in a long time." I said after reflecting for a while. It was hard to admit out loud.

"Wow!" she said, eyebrows raised in surprise before they knitted together in uncertainty. "That’s... good?"

"No. It’s not. Because that’s exactly why I ended up losing control and sleeping with him again this morning, in that bathroom."

"Wait... Let’s go back to the beginning. You slept with him at his apartment, after you went there. Why did you go there? Did he tell you to?"

"Yes. He came by here Monday morning."

"And then convinced you to see him?"

"I wanted to, so I went."

"Just like that?" A smile of amusement spread across her face.

"Just like that. What do you want me to say?"

"Nothing, it just doesn’t seem like something you would do."

"You’re making me sound boring."

"That’s not it. It’s just that you’ve been saying for a while that you don’t want to sleep with someone just for the sake of it." She shrugged.

"I know. You must be sick of hearing me say that."

"And was it good? I mean... it must have been, since you said he makes you feel things and you two did it in a bathroom this morning." She pressed her lips together, trying to hold back a smile.

"Good doesn’t even come close." I admitted, sighing deeply.

"Damn! Don’t tell me Morgan’s got you falling for him." She said, letting her concern show.

"I could lie and say it was awful. But the truth is, it was the best sex I’ve ever had."

"Oh, Ellie... why do I feel like this is bad?"

"Because it is. It’s not like I can enjoy it. This can never happen again."

"Why not?"

"You know why. He’s only interested in sex. And I’m not cut out for that."

"I’m sorry."

"It’s okay. I’ve gotten over a broken heart before, I can get over a great lay, right?"

"The best of your life?"

"As my best friend, shouldn’t you be saying: Yes, Ellie, you’ll get through this!"

"Of course, you will."

"Thanks." I said sarcastically.

"We’ll finish this conversation at lunch, and then you’ll tell me every juicy detail." She said, getting up and coming around the desk to kiss my cheek.

"You know this isn’t going to help me forget, right?"

"Good! That’ll be your punishment for not telling me sooner." She smiled wickedly before walking to the door and leaving.

Anna really did make me spill all the sordid details over lunch, and I took the chance to tell her what had happened with Todd. She nearly freaked out when I told her I’d let him sleep on my couch. Even after explaining that I was trying to forgive him so we could move on, she kept telling me to stay away from him.

I think she was worried that he might convince me to give him a second chance, but to me, that seemed unlikely.

She also reminded me that we had our vacation trip coming up soon. I hadn’t realized it was so close, just over a week away. Zoe had been planning this for a while; she wanted all of us to travel somewhere together, either to the countryside or the mountains? I couldn’t remember exactly.

*

At the end of the day, Anna showed up at my door again, saying we were all going to have dinner together at the usual spot. When we got to the restaurant, everyone was already seated, waiting for us. Luckily, everyone except Ethan.

After we sat down, I noticed that everyone around the table seemed to be avoiding looking at me, as if they were hiding something. Except Zoe, who couldn’t stop staring at me, so I knew what was happening.

Everyone already knew about me and Ethan. And even though they were my friends, it was extremely uncomfortable.

"Do you have something to ask, Zoe?" I raised an eyebrow, aware that she couldn’t hold it in.

"Did you plan to keep hiding this from us if Will hadn’t caught you?" she asked, narrowing her eyes, while Bennett shook his head beside her.

"I don’t think everyone at this table needs to know about my personal life. But since everyone seems interested, let me make it clear that this was just for fun and it won’t happen again."

"We’re just worried, El." Will said, his affection evident.

"You don’t need to be, Will. I’m not naive. Things between me and Ethan are very clear. You don’t need to worry that he’s going to break my heart. And as I told you earlier, what happened this morning was a mistake."

"Just what happened this morning?" Zoe asked with a challenging look.

"Don’t do this." Bennett warned her.

"It’s fine, Bennett." I reassured him. "No, Zoe, I don’t regret sleeping with him, but it shouldn’t have happened again. Satisfied?"

"Why not?"

"Because Ethan made it very clear he’s only interested in sex, and everyone here knows I’m not interested in that kind of relationship. Anything else?"

She was starting to annoy me. Why was my sex life being discussed in front of six people?

"So, if Ethan were interested in something more than just sex, would you be too?" she raised an eyebrow.