Chapter 72: All or Nothing
ETHAN
A storm began right after I left Ellie’s apartment, and the rain continued for the rest of the day. The weather was an exact reflection of my mood. I felt like a heavy rain cloud, gray and dark.
Alone in my apartment, all I could feel was an enormous emptiness. I didn’t feel hungry or motivated to do anything, and I knew sleep would be impossible for the next few days.
There was only one thing on my mind: a beautiful face, the perfect combination of grayish-blue eyes, pale skin, and dark hair.
I hated the idea that now she would just be a memory, and it scared me to think that someday in the future, I might forget her face and every moment we spent together.
Somehow, she had managed to break through all the walls I had built, and now she was ingrained in me—my mind, skin, and heart.
Fuck. I was unconsciously falling more and more in love with her. I knew this because I didn’t just miss her body, but also her scent, her smile, and her sharp, witty tongue, always ready to defend herself. *My crazy, sexy scientist.*
Shit. I just thought of her as mine. She really could have been mine. My Ellie. Maybe if we had met before everything, we might have had a chance.
I could have given her my best and not wasted it on someone who never deserved it, who only ruined me. Ruined me for anyone else.
Ellie deserved so much more than someone who could never fully give himself again. I’d have to live with this emptiness and the thought that she would find someone else someday.
Thinking about that hurt like hell. If only I could... just try. But if I did, I wouldn’t just be risking hurting myself—I’d hurt her too. That was the worst part. I couldn’t do that to her. I couldn’t be selfish.
The feeling of anguish kept me awake all night. Dozens of times I wanted to just get up, run to her apartment, and beg her to forgive me.
Then I would tell her that I’d try with everything I had because that was what I wanted most. That I would face everything just to be by her side.
Because with every passing minute, the idea of being away from her became more terrifying, and it was slowly killing me inside.
I knew exactly what was coming. The feeling of being in limbo. When all I wanted was the feeling of being with her and feeling everything only she made me feel.
The feeling was so strong that I was starting to doubt if I could stay away, even if it was for her own good. It felt like my time was really running out.
*
Bennett showed up at my apartment in the morning and forced me to go for a run with him. But I couldn’t run half as much as I usually did. I just lagged behind most of the time, keeping my own pace, trying to get used to the feeling of emptiness.
I was grateful he didn’t try to force a conversation, even though he could see what a mess I was in. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get rid of him after we left Central Park. He forced me to go with him to his house for breakfast.
When we arrived, Zoe completely ignored my greeting, pretending I didn’t exist. Still, she sat in the kitchen with us at the counter for breakfast.
"So..." Bennett started. Of course, I couldn’t get rid of him that easily. "Did you talk to her?"
"I don’t want to talk about it."
"Just don’t let this turn you into a zombie."
"You know... this makes no sense to me. Are you an idiot or what? You’re just going to let her go?" Zoe exploded.
"Baby..." Bennett shook his head.
"No! I just can’t understand it! She likes you, and from the mess you are in..." She pointed her fork at me. "I’d say you like her. So why the hell did you reject her?"
I sighed. I didn’t want to talk about it. I felt so drained, but I decided to just be honest.
"You want to know why? Because I’m too fucked up for her."
"Bullshit!"
"I can’t, Zoe. I just can’t be that selfish."
"Selfish? Do you think choosing to be with her is selfish? Then what the hell are you being now? Do you think she wouldn’t rather be with you, even if you’re a fucked-up bastard? You men are so unbelievable! The truth is, you’re only thinking about your own ass."
"Zoe..." Bennett intervened. "He’s had enough."
"I don’t think so, since he’s still sitting here. Feeling sorry for himself while Ellie’s getting on a plane to the other side of the country... with her ex."
*What?* No. That couldn’t be true. She wouldn’t be so naive as to take that bastard back. Zoe had to be making that up.
"What did you say?"
"Oh, see... now you care." She smiled, happy with my suffering.
"Don’t joke about this... Are you really telling the truth?"
Considering everything Zoe had done before, maybe she just wanted to see me suffer even more.
"I bet you’d like to know, wouldn’t you?"
"Fuck! Just tell me..."
"What? Will that make you go after her? Then I’ll say it’s a lie because it seems like it takes another man being involved for you to take action."
Shit. It was really true. I stood up, feeling the anger consume me.
"Fuck that... I may not be the best for her, but that asshole is just taking advantage of the situation."
"So you think you’re better than him?"
"When is she leaving?"
"Oh, so you are going after her. But if you’re just going to tell her to stay away from him, you’d better sit your ass back down. It’s all or nothing, Morgan."
"Just send me the flight information," I said before leaving the two of them alone.
I’d never let that bastard near Ellie again. Fuck. I wouldn’t let any other man near her again.
When Zoe’s message came with the flight information, I had just reached the first floor of the building.
Shit. Her flight was leaving in an hour and a half. I could try going to her apartment and risk not finding her, or just head straight to the airport. The second option was safer. I started running back to my apartment.
After taking a quick shower, changing clothes, and grabbing my car, I drove like a madman to the airport. When I finally got to the boarding gate, the announcement had already been made, and the last passengers were boarding.
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