Chapter 93: Fading Flames
ETHAN
Even though it was still daytime, the hotel room was dark because I had closed all the windows before we lay down.
She was sleeping beside me, finally resting a bit. We both needed it, but unlike me, she had other reasons beyond physical exhaustion.
Though I was naked and in need of clean, dry clothes, I hesitated to get up and go to my own room. Maybe because I knew that standing up and leaving meant much more than it actually seemed.
I didn’t want to leave her. Especially now, when she was going through such a difficult time. But I knew she wouldn’t let me stay much longer after I’d said those things.
I probably should have waited a bit longer, but I needed to be honest. I stared at her back and the beautiful curve of her hip.
All I wanted was to stay in this bed with her forever, inhaling her scent and feeling the softness of her skin beneath my fingers.
Maybe living in a bubble wasn’t such a bad idea. But I knew I couldn’t manage that. Even now, I couldn’t be what she needed. Because what she needed most was someone who could give her security, and knowing that tormented me constantly.
I had never wished so much to be someone else. Because even though I loved her with a painful intensity, it still didn’t seem to be enough. What the hell was wrong with me?
*Just trust her, damn it. Do it for her. She’s not Charlotte. Charlotte never really loved you. She was just a selfish bitch. But this woman… She didn’t give up on you, even when you acted like a goddamn bastard.*
*You’re going to lose her forever because you’re a coward. Just once in your life, make a damn decision without letting fear control you.*
*You did it once. You took that flight and went after her, and things worked out in the end. That felt good. You just need to do the same now. Don’t give up. She loves you, and you’ll be ready someday. She just needs to be a bit more patient.*
*You just need a plan.*
Maybe… one more try. But the right way this time.
***
ELLIE
When I woke up, he was no longer in bed. My body shuddered, realizing the reality of the situation.
Unfortunately, you can’t sleep forever, Ellie. You need to face reality. And continuing to cry and wallow is not an option.
I took a deep breath, thinking about everything that awaited me. *You can do this.* My parents were probably taking care of everything.
It seemed like I wouldn’t be facing just one goodbye. But I could still count on them, and that was the most important thing.
Maybe I should spend a few days at home with them before I have to return to my work and my life. *Without Ethan…*
I swallowed the lump that formed in my throat, promising myself that I wouldn’t cry anymore.
Gathering my strength, I got out of bed. I needed to get ready and talk to my mom. Had they come back to the hotel? They must need rest, too.
It was my fault they were going through this, even if unintentionally. The image of Lilian lying in that hospital bed popped into my mind. I pushed away the thought that I would have to say goodbye to her.
Lilian Cooper—that was her name, and it seemed she didn’t have any family other than me. At least none that cared.
After getting dressed and finding out that my parents were still at the hospital, I was about to leave when Ethan knocked on my door.
I had been praying he’d already left and spared me from having to see him again after what we’d done. It was a mistake, and I was ashamed.
“You’re going out?” he asked when I opened the door.
Why was he still here?
I nodded, noticing that he’d changed clothes and looked a bit less tired.
“I need to go back to the hospital,” I said, stepping out of the room, forcing him to take a step back so I could close the door. “Do you… need something?”
He hesitated a little.
“I’ll go with you.”
I closed my eyes, sighing. Why was he doing this? What was his problem? The anger and frustration came flooding back. I didn’t want to deal with this anymore.
“Just… go home.”
“I’m not leaving you.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me…” I shook my head in disbelief. “You’ve already done that. Excuse me.” I stepped around him.
“Ellie, please, just… let me stay with you. We still need to talk. I want to…”
“Oh my God!” I stopped, turning back to face him. “Enough! Okay? Enough of this! There’s nothing left to talk about. Just go.”
“I can’t.” His eyes shone with an emotion I struggled to decipher.
It wasn’t just concern or compassion. It was pity. That made me even angrier.
“I know what you’re doing. And I don’t need your pity.”
“Don’t do this…”
“I heard what you wanted to say, so you can go home now. If you think you can just change your mind out of pity for me, you’re completely wrong. What’s happening here doesn’t change a thing. I don’t need you. Go back to London.”
“Please, stop this.” He frowned, looking distressed.
“I hope I don’t see you here when I get back,” I said firmly. “Goodbye, Ethan.” I turned away from him.
How could he think I would subject myself to this? He came all the way from London to tell me he loved me but couldn’t stay with me, and now he thinks I’d accept him changing his mind out of pity?
To hell with him. I was done with this. It was time to put an end to it.
I would find a way to get through this. I always did. And if he truly thought I would just sit around waiting for him to finally decide I was worth it, he was completely wrong.
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