47. VANYA: DOUBTS AND TROUBLING THOUGHTS

Devrim pushed the door open and took a small step into the room but moved no further. My eyes snapped away from him when movement caught my attention. I sucked in a breath, held it in for a few seconds and then slowly blew it out.
There was no reason for me to be scared because I knew that the panther making his way towards us was none other than Ezra. He wasn’t some stranger who wanted to kill me.
As if sensing my inner struggled, Obsidian tensed and snarled.
Ezra was the one who answered his snarl with a strange sound. He walked closer despite Obsidian’s warning growls.
“Nobody’s going to hurt you, rosebud,” Dev said softly, making my eyes snap back to his. “I can see the fear in your eyes. I know that memories are flooding your mind about all the bad shit that happened, but I need you to focus on us.”
“I’m trying,” I whispered.
Devrim crouched. “That’s good. The more you panic, the harder it’s going to be for us to get both of you out of here.”
I lowered my head and blinked rapidly to clear the tears from my eyes. My eyes locked on the side of Obsidian’s face that was visible from where his face was pressed to my stomach.
He hadn’t moved an inch since I got him to sit down with me.
Something brushed my knee, making my body jerk in fright. My heartbeat increased as the memories fought to break free and consume me.
A low purr broke the silence, followed by another one. It was louder and sounded so much closer.
I was too scared to raise my head because I knew that the moment I did, I wouldn’t be able to control the panic. With the fire and everything else that happened, there had been no time to really think about the day I was attacked by the two pride members.
“Focus on Obsidian, rosebud,” Dev urged. “You’re so brave, do you know that?”
I shook my head but turned my focus to Obsidian like he instructed me to do.
Ezra moved around us, making low sounds and rubbing his body against ours. It felt like hours but I knew it was only a few minutes later when Obsidian’s body slowly started to relax again.
My eyes snapped open when his arms loosened. I blinked down at him, waiting for him to look at me, but he didn’t. Obsidian rolled away from me and stumbled to his feet. He left without a word or glance in my direction. I honestly wasn’t sure what to expect after what happened but it certainly wasn’t for him to just walk away.
“Follow him, Ezra.”
Ezra darted past me and disappeared around the door.
My eyes darted over to Devrim as I waited for him to follow them, but he didn’t. Devrim straightened and closed the space between us. Giving me a small smile, he hooked his hands under my armpits and picked me up.
“Let’s get the hell out of here.”

***

My muscles were stiff and achy and the warm bath didn’t seem to be helping at all. After being locked up for hours in that room, all I wanted was fresh air but Devrim wouldn’t allow it. I glanced at him from underneath my lashed.
There hadn’t been much of a conversation between us since we returned to the room. He hadn’t so much as asked me if I was okay or not. Devrim just ran a hot bath and then helped me into it before taking a seat on the toilet after closing the lid.
“I didn’t think,” I whispered, unable to handle the silence between us any longer. “There were so many reporters. I knew that we had to get away from them.”
He raised his head to look at me. Tired eyes darted over my face before they locked with mine. “There’s no reason for you to blame yourself,” he muttered. “You did the right thing even if you didn’t exactly choose the right place to hide.”
“Are you mad at me?” I asked him. “I didn’t know that he’s claustrophobic.”
“I’m not mad at you.” Devrim hesitated. “I’m just worried.”
“About Obsidian?”
He nodded.
“I messed things up, didn’t I?” My eyes dropped to my hands resting against my feet under the water. “I should’ve known it. He’s my mate and we’ve been together for months. We’re fucking bonded and I didn’t know that he—”
“Vanya,” he interrupted me softly. “We didn’t tell you about it because we don’t want you to know what we’re scared of. The last thing any of us want is for you to struggle with our demons when you already have your own.”
I swallowed. “It’s not how it works,” I whispered. “We’re all in this together.”
“Exactly,” he growled. “It’s a two-way street, rosebud. You never talk to us about the things that bother you. You never tell us if you’re worried or stressed or just plain fucking tired. All you say is that you’re okay.”
I blinked at him, surprised at his sudden outburst. “I—”
“We were born in hell,” he said softly. “Pain, abuse, suffering. . .it’s all we’ve know from the day we were birth. For nearly thirty fucking years, we’ve been treated like animals because it’s what they created us to be. We were nothing to them.” Devrim ran a hand through his hair and stared down at the floor for a few seconds before he raised his head and looked at me again. “When your mother walked into my cage, I immediately knew that she was different. The first thing she said to me when she knelt at my side to draw blood was; Please don’t hurt me or my baby.”
“She was pregnant?”
He nodded. “She was pregnant with you when she started working there. Despite the shit they gave her and the things they made her do, she never once hurt me or any of the others. It was the first time any of us has ever experience another side of humans.”
Devrim got up and closed the space between us. He dropped to his knees at the side of the bathtub and reached out to cup my cheek.
“Vanya, having you accept us for what we are is more than enough. You don’t treat us like animals and you don’t abuse us. You love us for us and that’s all we’ll ever need from you. We don’t need you to fight our demons with us, we don’t want to place that burden on you. All we need is for you to keep loving us despite the shit we struggle with.”
His thumb caught a teardrop before it could escape. Leaning forward, he pressed his forehead against mine and stared deep into my eyes.
“No matter what. No matter how much we fight or don’t understand each other. No matter how much you feel like you hate us when we forget something. We’re in this together. All four of us.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.” He smiled. “You’re stuck with us just like we’re stuck with Obsidian even though he thinks that we won’t want him one day.”
“He does think that,” I whispered. “He’s scared that we’re going to leave him like everybody else left him.”
“Then I guess we better start showing him that he’s going to be stuck with us for a very long time,” he muttered.
I nodded as I reached up to wrap my arms around his neck. His hand slid down to my neck as the kiss deepened. I was halfway out of the water, desperate for him to take things further when he pulled away.
“You’re getting water all over the floor,” he sighed. “I’m sick of cleaning up after Ezra so lets not make a mess of the bathroom, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Give me a few seconds, rosebud.”
Devrim straightened and took a few steps back as he pulled his shirt over his head. My eyes flicked over every inch of exposed skin eagerly. Apparently my body was more than willing for some hot sex but my mind wasn’t.
“Why did you tell Ezra to shift?” I asked, making him pause.
Licking his lips, he glanced at me as he continued undressing. “Sometimes it’s easier for us to communicate when we’re in animal form. I didn’t know how far Obsidian had removed himself from reality so I wasn’t sure what to expect. We’re all the same and I figured that if one of us were shifted and the other still human it would be easier for him to come back to reality.”
“You didn’t talk to him or make any of the sounds Ezra did,” I pointed out. “All you did was stand there.”
“I didn’t have to make a sound.” Devrim climbed into the bathtub in front of me. “He knew I was there and that was enough.”
It was clear that Devrim wasn’t planning on explaining any further. I sighed and moved closer to him. Wrapping an arm around my waist, he pulled me against his chest and dropped his chin to the top of my head.
“Ezra’s scared of elevators, Obsidian is claustrophobic. What are you afraid of, Dev?” I asked.
He swallowed loudly. “I’m afraid of loosing you,” he said. “I’m afraid that something will happen to you, Obsidian and Ezra.”
Turning in his arms, I studied his face. He was staring right back at me, not even trying to hide the fear he felt. It was something we had in common because it was the same thing that I felt. I knew that nothing in life was permanent and that one day I might loose them, but I wasn’t ready for that to happen yet.
We haven’t even started living. There were a lot of things I still wanted to experience with them and my only wish was that I would get to do that before tragedy struck us.
“I love you,” I whispered.
Devrim smiled. “I love you too.”
My smile faded slowly. “Do you think that Obsidian hates me now?”
Reaching up, he hook strands of hair behind my ear. “No.”
“I told him that I was going to leave if he didn’t tell me the truth about my half-sister,” I admitted.
“It’s going to take more than an empty threat to make him hate you, rosebud,” he whispered.
“Why did he leave without saying a word?” I asked him. “Why didn’t he stay?”
Devrim’s lips parted but it was a voice from the doorway that answered my questions instead of him.