51. OBSIDIAN: FEELINGS

I could feel both of them.
They were inside me.
A part of me.
And no matter how hard I tried, I knew that thy couldn’t be erased. We were one and I wasn’t sure how to handle it. Their bonds were open allowing me to feel every-fucking-thing. I hated it. I hated the fact that for years I could just shut off my emotions but now I had to deal with it because I couldn’t fucking switch it off.
Gripping the marble tightly, I stared at my reflection in the mirror for a few seconds before my eyes dropped to the dried blood still clinging to my skin and the wound that was just starting to heal. Vanya had cleaned Dev’s wound and then mine after she managed to get her laughter under control.
My lips twitched as her face flashed through my mind. She had looked so happy. That was what I wanted to see everyday for the rest of our lives. I wanted to see her smile. I wanted to see the happiness in her eyes.
“Are you okay?”
I tense, hands gripping the marble tighter. Lying was easier. Lying stopped them from asking more questions, but what good was lying going to do?
“No,” I told her.
Vanya remained silent for a few seconds. “Sit down on the toilet,” she ordered.
I hesitated but followed the order when she moved closer. Lowering the lid, I took a seat and silently watched her as she grabbed a towel and wet the tip with warm water. Turning toward me, she moved closer until she stood in front of me. I spread my legs before she could order me to.
Vanya stepped between them and pressed a hand to my cheek to tilt my head back so she could clean the dried blood from my skin.
I stared up at her face. Her hair was a knotted mess and her cheeks still flushed with colour. She had some dark circles under her skin and dried drool in the corner of her mouth. I smiled.
“What’s so funny?” she breathed.
My smiled widened. “I’m just thinking about the phase you went through when you were fifteen.”
The colour in her cheeks darkened.
“You were obsessed with trying every make-up style you saw in advertisements and you insisted on doing it yourself.”
Her eyes darted up to mine for a second. “I was fifteen. You don’t need to make fun of me, Joy did it enough.”
“She was a bitch,” I muttered.
“Yes she was,” Vanya agreed softly.
Something flashed through her eyes but it was gone in the next second. Swallowing, she leaned closer, making her warm breath fan my skin. Goosebumps broke out across my skin when she a fingertip along the edge of the wound.
“You’re not healing as fast as Dev,” she said.
“It will heal.” Eventually.
“When did you bond me?” Her question made my eyes snap open. “How did you bond me?”
Before she could move away, I gripped her hips and pulled her closer, making her stumble. Vanya’s hands shot out to grip my shoulders. I flinched, waiting for the panic to assault me, but strangely enough, all I felt was a deep calm.
“I’m sorry,” Vanya apologized, jerking her hands away.
“Touch me,” I rasped. “Touch me again.”
Her eyes darted over my face. Vanya glanced over her shoulder at the door as if she was expecting someone to stand there, but I knew that both Ezra and Devrim were still asleep. It was just the two of us awake and at the moment, I preferred it. Having her close, calmed the thoughts racing through my mind and the panic of feeling them inside me.
My eyes dropped to her lips when the tip of her tongue darted out to swipe across her bottom lip. Sliding my hands down over her ass, I gripped the back of her thighs and jerked her onto my lap so she straddled me. Her lips parted and formed the perfect O when she gasped.
“Touch me,” I pleaded.
I wanted to feel her skin against mine before the calm faded. I wanted her to run her fingertips over my scars that was hidden underneath the tattoos and still look at me like I meant the world to her. She searched my eyes before she tentatively raised her hands and placed them on my shoulders.
My body slowly relaxed as she rubbed circles on my skin with her thumbs. With every passing second, Vanya got bolder. Her hands slid up the side of my neck and then down to the front of my chest. I sucked in a sharp breath when she flicked a finger over my nipple.
Her lips twitched.
“Are you enjoying yourself, sweets?”
In answer to my question, she slipped her hands lower over my stomach to my navel. Her eyes darted up and locked with mine for a few seconds before they dropped again to focus on the movements of her hands.
Swallowing, I allowed my eyes to flutter closed. She was tracing my scars and the lines of my ink but every now and then she would use her nails to lightly scratch me. I wanted her to do it harder, to dig her nails into my skin and make me hurt.
“You bonded Dev,” Vanya whispered, breaking the comfortable silence.
“He bonded me.” I sighed. “He bit me first.”
“So you bit him back?”
She was tracing the tattoo on my shoulder now, the ones that resembled the flowers she always brought me when she came to visit. I had dried the out the flowers and locked it away in a special box. Sadness hit me when I realized that I might have lost that too because of the fire.
“He touched me,” I told her. “We were talking and he touched me. I kissed him. My plan was to torture him because I hated how he knew what I was thinking. Devrim asked me to bond him and I refused but then he bit me...”
“Why didn’t you want to bond him?” Vanya asked me.
Reaching up, I cupped her cheek and ran my thumb cross her bottom lip. “My reasons doesn’t matter anymore, we’re bonded now.”
“Can you...un-bond someone?”
Why’s she asking me that? I know that I haven’t been the best mate to her but I’m trying to make up for it. Does this mean that she wants to leave me? Is she mad because I told her that I didn’t want to bond Devrim?
You’re fucking pathetic, the voice intruded my thoughts. Of course she wants to leave you. Do you think that she’s going to stay after what you did?
Yes, Vanya said that she loved me. She wouldn’t leave me.
It laughed. Everybody is going to leave you. Do you really think that they love an animal like you? You lied to her, you almost killed her and now she’ll forever be scared because of you.
I had too. There was no other way. We needed to get out of that container and it was the only way out.
You don’t deserve her.
I sucked in a sharp breath as pain shot through my chest. He was right. I didn’t deserve her. She would never be able to love someone like me even if I changed myself for her.
You should have died. Why don’t you try again? If you’re not there, you’ll never be there to ruin her life.
“Obsidian?”
I blinked rapidly, trying to focus on her and not the mocking laughter inside my head. Gentle hands slipped to the back of my head and guided my face to the crook of her neck. I breathed her in and focused on the way she ran her hand through my hair.
“It’s okay. Just breathe,” Vanya ordered. “There’s no need to panic, okay? I know nothing about bonding and I was just curious. I don’t want to break our bond.”
“Never?” I rasped.
“Never ever.” Her lips brushed my ear. “You’re stuck with me and Ezra and Devrim for a very long time.”
“I’m scared,” I admitted. “I’m scared that one day you’ll regret being with me. I’m scared that you won’t want me or love me anymore. I’m scared that I’ll mess up and you’ll leave me.”
Vanya swallowed loudly. “It’s okay to be scared sometimes.”
“I hate it.”
“I know.” She placed her other hand against the back of my neck. “I know that you’re going to piss me off and that it might make me ignore you for a while because it happens in every relationship, but I promise you that I’ll never leave. I’ll tell you and show you how much I love you everyday until you believe me.”
My warms tightened around her waist. I believed her, but sometimes...sometimes the voice creeped in and made me doubt her.
“I’m sorry I can’t be the man you want me to be.”
Vanya tensed. Jerking back, she gripped my cheeks and forced me to look at her. I wasn’t expecting to see her eyes dark with anger.
“You listen to me, and you listen good,” she hissed, poking my chest with a finger. “The man I want is right here in front of me. I don’t want you to be anyone other than yourself, Obsidian. You don’t need to change anything about yourself because I fucking love you just the way you are.” She sucked in a breath. “I love how you’re a control freak and a little paranoid. I love the way you dress and the way you walk. I love your long hair and your voice and the way you fuck me.”
Colour flooded her cheeks but she held eye contact.
“I love your scars and all your tattoos. And even though you’re an asshole sometimes I wouldn’t change it for anything. The point is that I love you as you are, with all your issues and imperfections and I don’t want you to change.”
I blinked at her, shocked into silence. What was I supposed to say to that? Was it the right time to say the words she wanted to hear?
“She’s not asking much. After all the shit she’s been through and the shit that’s still to come, don’t you think that she deserves to know that she’s loved?”
I swallowed and glanced over her shoulder to the door. The exit was right there. I didn’t have to say anything or I could just fuck her until she forgot everything that was just said.
“I love you,” I blurted out instead.
Her reaction was not what I expected. I thought that she would be happy that I finally said those three little words, but she got angry instead.
“Take it back!” Vanya hissed. “I said take it back!”
“Vanya—”
She pressed her hand to my chest and climbed off my lap. Before I could even make sense of what was happening, she was already storming out of the bathroom and into the bedroom.
“What did I do?” I questioned. “I said the words like you wanted. Why are you angry?”
Vanya spun around to glare at me. “Yes I wanted you to tell me but not right after I...you know what just forget it!”
I hurried forward, gripped her arm and spun her around to face me before she could take another step. Gripping the back of her neck, I slammed my mouth down on hers and kissed her.
“If you don’t believe me then I’ll fucking show you.”