Ana Oliveira

**Six years ago...**


“Nice to meet you, Ana!” I greeted the man in front of me.
I was still trying to compose myself, pissed off for showing my vulnerability. Everything had been so perfect! I could still feel the scent of that wonderful perfume; the boy’s smell was all over me, lingering, having escaped through the contact of our bodies.
I had never pressed my lips against another boy’s before. I wished I could bottle that moment in my heart, freeze it, and relive it, because it really was special... Until I ruined everything with my triggers. I ended up steering the situation toward my own pain and destroying the mood.
I had lived in a limbo for an entire year, feeling nothing but pain, searching for the darkest means of escape. And that boy, with his rebellious and dark demeanor, had made me experience intense and good things, as if I had almost forgotten what it felt like.
Maybe he didn’t even want to be with me anymore. Who would want someone who’s incapable of touching anything without destroying it? Without letting it drown? Not even my parents wanted me...
“I’m Marta!” an elegant and gentle lady announced, squeezing my shoulders and kissing each cheek. “Josiah’s mother.”
I gave a blank smile, realizing her sharp gaze seemed to hold a warning. I wanted to run away, but I still had to introduce myself to the remaining girl. I greeted the girl with the wide smile, who told me her name was Luana.
Uncomfortable, I looked at the trio in front of the immense white door. They seemed filled with curiosity, each in their own way. I felt like a display item, curious, bizarre... So I started examining them as they were examining me. The woman had gray hair, was adorned with jewelry, and wore refined makeup; the girl was dressed in a long black skirt and a lacy cropped top; and the man... He was handsome, tall, with spiky blonde hair and smooth. His smile was subtle and friendly, and his gaze was light, calm, and yet questioning.
“Well, everyone, good afternoon!” Josiah said, breaking the mood. “Now I’ll take Ana to her house and be right back.”
There wasn’t even time to respond to the warning because the boy linked his fingers with mine and led me out, bypassing his family and finding the way to the street. He seemed strange, his posture stiffened as he walked with me hand in hand to my house.
I didn’t like walking around the neighborhood because I always saw the judgmental looks, the hidden whispers, almost hearing the murmurs accusing me of being suicidal or lamenting my orphan status. That’s why I preferred my aunt to pick me up from school, but she worked and never had time for that.
I glanced sideways at the boy beside me, walking under the hot sun. I could feel his fingers almost crushing mine with that firm grip. Did he feel the tension I was placing there? And we walked like that until we reached my gate, with me thinking of ways to ask if our time together had been that bad.

“Delivery’s done!” Josiah said, stopping in front of me and lighting a cigarette with a black lighter.
“Thank you!” Damn it! I thought of a million things, but that’s all that escaped my lips.
“Thanking me for what, Sweetie?” he asked, blowing smoke in my face.
His whole demeanor was different, rough. His tone was harsh, and his gaze was like a wall. What was Josiah thinking? I wished I could read his mind. I waved away the smoke with my hand, coughing a little, seeing those deep eyes emerge from the cloud I dispersed.
“For everything. For inviting me to the movies, for bringing me here...” I explained, giving a timid smile.
Josiah didn’t say anything. He kept his gaze fixed on my face, but there was no desire in his eyes. There was nothing in that expression when he pulled a small box from his pocket, grabbed my arm, and placed it on my fingers. And as suddenly as he gave me the gift, Josiah turned and walked away. He didn’t say a word, just... went his way, leaving me behind.
I came inside with tears in my eyes. My aunt hadn’t arrived yet, so I just slumped onto the white couch in the living room, staring at the floral wallpaper, thinking about everything that had happened.
With a choked throat, I untied the light blue satin ribbon from the small blue box. I gave a slight smile, using the back of my hand to wipe away the tear that had slipped down my nose, staring at the silver chain, taking it between my fingers, tracing my finger over the small charm. How could something so small hold so much meaning?
I bit my upper lip, holding back a smile as I looked at the tiny chocolate truffle. I understood it was a “sweetie.” He cared enough to make the moment special, didn’t he? Or wouldn’t he have given me such a cute gift?
Or maybe all boys gave gifts like that?
Heavens! I was going to go crazy. The same guy who took me to his room, gave me such a perfect kiss, and a necklace with more meaning than anything I’d ever received, was also the guy who looked at me without emotion and left without saying goodbye.
Maybe that mood change was because of me, because I said I didn’t want to rush things. Josiah seemed experienced, knew about things, about kissing. Even his touch on my skin set me on fire...
I put on the necklace, smiling, even though my heart was heavy and filled with doubts. I ran to call Isabela, recounting every detail as she squealed excitedly in my earphones while I tidied up the house to avoid my aunt’s lectures. “He does like you, or he wouldn’t have bought you a gift,” she said, while I could hear her popping gum on the other end.
I spent the night scribbling verses about him in my notebook. The pen flowed, dancing across the pages, as if it knew the right path for each word. And when I finished, I read what I had written so many times that I ended up memorizing it.
I flipped through the pages filled with poems. So many that sometimes I even forgot some of them. Most spoke of pain, fear, being small, being flawed and broken. But... the last page spoke of something different. In every small word filled with meaning, I narrated a bit about green rebellious eyes, about hair as dark as the night, about a mouth as red as the color of perdition, about his height making me feel like I was facing a wall... And about his kiss that threw me into hell itself, burning...
And despite all the fears about his behavior when leaving me at home, I still slept smiling, my fingers sliding over the chain.