Ana Oliveira

**Present Day...**


I still felt an absurd heaviness, as if my body were jelly. While Josiah slept, I started preparing the food. I was a bit apprehensive about my ex-boyfriend not liking me in his kitchen, but I was hungry. I decided to take the risk of facing any backlash.
I found it interesting how his kitchen was fully equipped, with supplies for preparing various dishes. The fridge was stocked with delicious things, like his favorite ice cream, jars of dulce de leche, sodas... How did he stay so fit with all these treats around the house? I smiled seeing the large quantity of orange Cheetos in the pantry. He loved those snacks...
I decided to make what he loved: pasta with chicken in white sauce. I ate alone at the kitchen counter, trying to avoid the memories, and failing miserably as I kept recalling how I had splashed everything...
Sitting there, I had a clear view of his bed, since the house had almost no internal walls, and watched how carefree he slept. Josiah was so beautiful... He had only part of the black comforter covering his bottom, hugging the huge, soft pillow, with those well-defined muscles sprawled out casually on the bed.
I could still taste his lips on mine, and it was so amazing that he finally kissed me... In all our recent interactions, Josiah had never done that. I had really blocked out my feelings about that realization, ignoring the fact that my ex was so angry he had licked my mouth right on this kitchen counter but refused to kiss it.
Today was different, and I felt so much under his touch. I wished Josiah could forgive me, that there was a magic button that could erase all the wreckage of our mistakes, and what he did to me. I was hurt because I hadn't been able to write again since then, because of what I had done to all of us that drove us apart. I really wanted to be his again, and for Jow to be mine. Because I loved him so much, and never stopped loving him. And I knew, embarrassed, that if he wanted me, as long as he wanted me, whenever he wanted, I would be his. I would do anything to receive his forgiveness...
We had crazy, passionate sex, and for a long time, my vagina was sore and sensitive. I was a bit scared when I saw he was going to penetrate me from behind, because since having the baby, I hadn’t had sex that way. But it turned out to be really good, and I didn’t have the discomfort I had imagined as he slid inside me.
I ended up falling asleep after our last round, and when I woke up with him like a rock with his arms around me, Josiah also woke up, looking at me with a sleepy expression. Then he grabbed my chin as I tried to slip away and ordered me not to leave his house. Literally ordered.
He was worried about me... And knowing me, who wouldn’t be? I wondered if Cristian was behind this. That old bastard hated me, because after I messed everything up, driving a stake into my relationship with Josiah, I threw a ton of dirt on the mayor right in front of the cop who was eager to lock me up. My ex-father-in-law slapped me, and Josiah punched his father in the face... It was chaos for days after I had Julia.
Cristian hated me, and didn’t even deny it. He never wanted me in his son’s life, and ended up having me not just in Jow’s life and Lucah’s way, but also as the mother of his granddaughter. I remember that smirk with the phrase “we do everything for family,” it was almost a threat.
If I could, I’d shove that damn bucket down that corrupt bastard’s throat.

“Smells good…”
I barely saw him waking up, but I blushed as I watched him strut around naked, his member, even flaccid, still quite large. He walked towards the pots but stopped beside me, making me gasp.
“I don’t think I’m done with you yet…” he warned, smiling as he noticed how quickly he could get to me.
My whole body tingled with his proximity, and my breathing became rapid. I was literally falling in love again... Or did I never stop? When did I start falling for him again? Was it after the bar, when he made me come here? Or when I saw him with our daughter, noticing how he loved her? When did my heart start to overshadow my reason?
Love and hate go hand in hand, that’s what Marta always said. She used to say Jow loved me, and that all that anger and insistence on making me stay with him was a sign of his feelings. She liked to talk about Cristian, about when she stopped loving him, and how all she felt for him was cold and indifferent.
“I think it’s over!” I whispered, swallowing hard. “I’m all sore.”
Josiah grabbed my neck, making me look up at his face with his huge fingers around my throat. My heart raced. He was looking at me in a much softer way, with the absence of all the hate that used to cut me up. I melted under his possessive touch.
“That’s how I like it best, Sweetheart…” he whispered, placing a chaste kiss on my lips. “When you howl in pain like a bitch.”
And just as he had held me and I swore there was less anger in his eyes, he gave me a cruel look and walked past me. I felt my eyes welling up, but I turned to face the island, simply spinning my body on the stool and resting my chin on my left hand. I watched Josiah fill a gray, matte plate with pasta while eating standing up, staring at me as he did so.
“No poison, right?” he asked, with his mouth full, giving a slight smile and then closing his eyes as if he was eating the best thing in the world.
I shook my head in response, feeling my heart ache. I was such a fool... I thought that whole morning with him inside me would really make him remember that he felt something, that he once loved me. “I’m kidding, Sweetheart. Why are you crying?”
“I’m not!” I lied, wiping my face with both hands.
When I saw him staring at my right hand, I hid it below the counter and averted my gaze. Damn it! I couldn’t control the tears, but I refused to make any noise. I could feel him watching me as I tried to use the neckline of my shirt to dry my face. Then I heard Josiah put the plate in the sink and walk to the bathroom.
I slid off the counter and washed the plate, looking around the house while feeling my damn heart completely broken. I only washed that crap because I really wanted to clear my head with some distraction. I saw him out of the corner of my eye, coming out of the bathroom and heading to the bedroom. He got dressed, and I placed the plate on the metal rack next to the sink. Josiah walked over to me as I sat back down on the same stool, now facing away from the kitchen and toward Jow. He was wearing only black sweatpants, revealing his defined abs.
“I’m going to find out who did that to you! I just didn’t go to my dad’s house because I found out he’s in the Maldives, probably with one of his mistresses, since his wife is the one who told me that on the phone,” he said, crossing his arms in front of me.
“And you need to find out? It can only be him…” I murmured, ignoring the perfect face in front of me.
“Is it just because of the bucket that you keep crying?” he insisted, walking towards me and holding my face between his fingers, shortening the distance between our faces by leaning in. “Or are you crying because you regret sleeping with me?”
I looked up at his face, inches from mine, feeling his scent, and I sobbed. I shook my head, moving his hand with me.