Ana Oliveira

Three years ago...


A year passed, and Lucah, Luana, Jonas, and Marta, my “fantastic four,” were always around me. At first, I didn’t even have a couch, but they would come to my house bringing gifts like glasses, utensils, or would invite themselves to sit on the floor with me. Then I got a rug from Jonas. It was a colorful mosaic where we loved to sit until our backs ached. When Marta had to get up from the rug, two of us would help her, and Lucah would always tease, saying she was being “re-plastered.” Over the months, the house became better furnished. Lucah gave me a TV, I bought a sofa and two armchairs, and Luana gave me a microwave... Everything was falling into place.
After a few months of living in my house, Lucah moved in with me. His mother suggested that I rent out the room where I slept to him and move to the upstairs. She tried to get Lucah to move back home, but since he thought Josiah might come back eventually, he refused. I thought a lot about the idea and decided to let him live with me, just splitting the bills down the middle. It relieved me a lot financially. Plus, since we lived together, my brother-in-law managed to add me as a dependent on his work health plan.
The truth is, I came to love having Jonas and him around the house. After all, Lucah’s boyfriend almost lived with us, and now and then I was forced to listen to their arguments or intimate moments that made me run to put on headphones or leave, making up any excuse to be out on the street.
The truth was I loved not feeling alone; I adored the idea of feeling safe and accompanied.
I always avoided talking to Lucah about the day Josiah left me. I didn’t want my friend to see in my eyes how much I blamed our friendship. Because, if I could go back, I wouldn’t have let him get close. I... would have chosen Jow. And I wasn’t proud of acknowledging how dependent I was on Josiah’s love, but it was a fact. I hadn’t stopped missing him for a single second in the past few months. And even though I had learned to love that brother-in-law who took in stray animals and found them homes, the man who furnished our entire house, leaving every little space with our personal touch, who hung beautiful pictures around, painted the walls with lovely colors, and cooked the best meatballs in the world, I would choose, with my eyes closed, not to have lost my relationship with his brother and with my best friend.
I now had a very dual feeling towards Josiah... It was as if love mixed with anger, and I cursed him in my head for everything he put me through. I cursed him for leaving me, but still... I still loved him and felt that my feelings wouldn’t go away anytime soon.
The nights seemed to devour me, making my heart bleed, with the size of the bed mocking the absence beside me. My body missed his touch, my mind felt like it would go mad with longing... But, despite all the pain, I forced myself to keep living, to return to my college routine, to write a new book, to publish a poetry collection called “Used to Be Someone You Loved.”
The hardest task was feeling like eating. My clothes started to become loose, and Marta would pull my ear from time to time, but I almost never felt hungry. I lost eight pounds, my face became very thin, and I had to get rid of almost all my wardrobe.
Soon after breaking up with Josiah, my psychiatrist told me that she had advised my mother-in-law, who had accompanied me to the last appointment, to keep an eye on me, because that moment was one of significant losses. But the doctor praised me, saying she was proud that I hadn’t sought the escape I had tried before. I really realized that everyone around me was afraid of another suicide attempt, but soon they understood that it hadn’t even crossed my mind. I felt so wronged by Jow, so... outraged, that moving on became a matter of honor.
Sometimes, I would snoop on Bernardo’s Instagram just to see Josiah’s photos because he had blocked me and restricted the content to friends only. He always looked serious in the photos, his gaze sad, and his face very weary. Jow’s friend posted pictures of the two of them in strange places, as if they were traveling on their days off. There were photos in Lençóis Maranhenses, on trails, in bars, and restaurants. The most recent photo made it clear that they had received the rank of Sergeant. It was a beautiful picture of Jow, with shining eyes, next to a dark-skinned guy and a bald guy, along with Ber. All in a selfie, with the caption “Finally Sergeants, damn it!” They were dressed in formal uniforms that looked like military green suits. The bald guy was the grumpiest in the photo, though he was quite handsome, while the dark-skinned one sported a broad smile. His face was full of scars...

Bernardo never spoke to me again, nor did Isabela. Once, I bumped into her at the university; I tried to say something, but she just called me a “whore” and walked away. I came to terms with the fact that there was no going back with any of the three. Ber believed I had betrayed his best friend, and Jow hated me for the same reason. But Isabela? She managed to make me want the end of our friendship as much as she did. Isa... chose to hurt me back.
You know what hurt the most in the last twelve months? The photo I saw on her Instagram, a picture of her with Josiah. The first image where he was smiling fully; he looked sad in all the others, but in this one... With Isabela sitting on his lap, there was a broad smile on his face, a sparkle in his eyes. I saw this photo during a dinner with Luana and Marta. I cried so much over that image, so much that Marta felt sorry for me and hugged me.
How much pain can one person endure without collapsing? Because I was starting to get tired of so much suffering. There was no more space to dig inside my chest, no place left to draw strength from.
I knew he would move on, find someone to love, someone not like me... A fool... He didn’t have hope in his heart, not like the hope that filled mine. But with Isabela?
I began to realize that the sea of hope in my chest, those strange waters that made me believe I might get him back someday, that he might recognize his mistake and apologize, that hope was drowning in itself.
I got so angry and revolted that I sent a message to Isabela, calling her a bitch, which she retaliated with several laughing emojis before blocking me. Then I realized that Bernardo had also restricted me from seeing his photos.
Jow had been silent with his mother for a year. I learned from Marta that he called the day after he broke up with me, apologizing for the way he had spoken to her. After that call, my ex didn’t come home anymore and didn’t answer his mother’s calls. Poor thing! Marta was so sad about the situation. I think Josiah was angry that she had still stayed by my side after the breakup.
That damn photo of him with Isabela made me fall into a depressive routine for weeks. I even missed several days of university. If Luana hadn’t dragged me out of bed one afternoon, I would have stayed there another day, contemplating setting the world on fire, but lacking the energy even to take a damn shower. But with my friend, there was no arguing. She came in, flung open the curtains, letting in an absurd amount of light into my “cave,” and dragged me by the arm out of bed. I barely had a chance to argue because she threw me, clothes and all, into the shower, turning on the hot water over me. Lucah even told her to be gentler, worried about the bathroom threshold in my room. I was so used to his and Jonas’s presence that I wasn’t even embarrassed to be seen half-naked around the house. Even though Lu was being harsh, forcing me to bathe, in the end, if I stayed in bed any longer, I would sink further into depression.
I just took the shower, put on the clothes she handed me, and let her do my makeup and fix my hair, forcing my body to follow them. But my mind was slow, as were my movements. I would be okay, I was sure... but it would take some time. That photo had destroyed me, making me understand that everything between my boyfriend and me was over, that it was in the past... Just thinking about it made tears well up in my eyes.
My thoughts were a bit distant as I followed the trio at a slow pace, arms wrapped around myself, almost hugging myself. Luana dressed me in a very short red dress, a pretty piece in ribbed fabric that belonged to her. I was so thin that the long-sleeved dress was a bit loose around my body.