Ana Oliveira Part 2

" Why are you wearing white, honey? " I asked, with a big smile as I tilted my head back to look at his perfect face, without leaving his arms.
We went back to calling each other our teenage nicknames, and it was very spontaneous. The cutest thing was seeing Júlia imitate us, starting to call everyone “mom”: her grandmother, Harry and Bill, the daycare teacher and even her classmates.
“It’s for a special occasion, don’t get used to it!” — He smiled, kissing the top of my nose and looking at me as if I were the most beautiful thing in the world. My heart sank. — Come on, get in the car, Sweetie. I’m taking you somewhere.
I obeyed, walking to the passenger seat and sitting down. Josiah put out his cigarette outside the car, then put it in the trash can on the sidewalk, then threw himself into the driver’s seat. I stared at his face as he drove. Where were we going? I thought about broaching the subject of our relationship, but something in his manner told me that it wasn't the right time. Josiah turned on the car stereo with a serene expression, putting on a playlist of Metallica songs. I was surprised to see that Jow was driving toward the end of the condominium, turning onto the furthest street, Rua Vinte. I didn't understand when the car stopped in front of a contemporary residence, entirely white and with a ceiling as high as Jow's house. The facade of the residence overlooked a garage for several cars, a yard with trimmed grass in front, and a huge light wooden door. And I wasn't exaggerating when I said huge. He didn't say anything as he got out of the car, walked around, and opened the door for me. My heart began to beat a little faster as I followed him and watched him open the house with a key. I understood what he meant as soon as we entered the empty, entirely white living room, because a beautiful memory blossomed in my thoughts. Josiah was lying on his bed, the first time he came home after joining the army. He stared at me lying on his chest, and as he smoothed my hair, he said that one day we would have a beautiful, huge, all-white house to make our own. I turned to Josiah and my eyes filled with tears, after all, he had opened the door and stood in front of it, waiting for me to come in. When I turned on my heel and faced him, he was taking off his shirt.
I felt my whole body heat up as I saw him standing completely naked in front of me. I blinked a few times, shocked by the fact that Jow wasn't even hard, and a few tears gathered in his eyes as he knelt before me.
"I'm naked so you understand, Sweetie, that there is nothing between us right now. Not even a thin layer of fabric. I am entirely yours and I will expose everything to you right now. I hope you can see my soul, because even that is yours to do with as you please." Come here! — he called as he raised his arm with his hand open in front of his body. — Let's clear up every feeling we caused each other, before I say something that could change our future.
Those deep, sensitive and beautiful words enveloped my heart, warming it. I didn't even think twice and, trembling, I walked towards him, but before I could lower myself in front of his body, I slowly removed my clothes, piece by piece, feeling the cold of the room making my body shiver, staring fixedly into his vivid and needy eyes. When I positioned myself on my knees in front of his body, I decided to show Jow everything he wanted to see, to hide nothing anymore. That conversation would define our future, and it needed to be perfect because I couldn't stand a life that didn't involve him, an existence where that warm skin wasn't present. I had tasted the forbidden fruit, gotten drunk on it, then lived through years of abstinence and now I knew I didn’t want to be without it… Without the addictive drug that was Josiah.
"Tell me all the things I did wrong, every bad word I threw at you, every difficult feeling that tore you apart, Sweetie. Open up completely, and then I’ll tell you all the shards that tore my chest apart.
I didn’t think much, letting myself be carried away by the moment, allowing the first memory that shattered me to escape through my lips:
" I hated it when you came into that room and threw the bouquet of flowers on top of me. I felt myself falling apart when you believed I would betray you…
So, for almost an hour, I narrated all the things that destroyed me, every stake driven into my chest. By the end, my voice was barely coming out because of the sobs. I didn't even feel myself slide into his lap, and before I knew it I was sitting facing him, straddling his legs, seeking the comfort of his skin, of that piece of perdition.
There was so much pain that ran through my words, answered with small nods from the man in front of me. And as surreal as it seemed, I felt light after putting my out came the things I had never said to him, as our skin pressed together and blended together. It was like removing the ton of lead that was crushing my chest.

And, patiently, I listened to Josiah tell me everything he felt, every small word I said that hurt him, every fragment of feeling or thought that tormented him. One of the things Jow said that hit me the hardest was that he felt deep sadness when he heard me say that our daughter wasn’t his, because, just by touching my belly, he had a strong intuition that the baby inside was also his. Josiah wanted the daughter, he loved her from that moment, and seeing him cry while admitting his pain made my heart ache with the same intensity as I had made him suffer. We ended with a mutual apology amidst kisses and tears, filled with all the contours of true regret and a deep desire to change.
When our kisses ended and our mouths parted, about two hours after we had entered that house, our tears mingled as much as our saliva. There was no burning or sexual need in his touch on my body; it was... light, sweet, and very gentle. His fingertips glided over my back, and they stayed there for a long time, while the only sound in the room was our breathing.
When Josiah wrapped one hand around my waist, turning his body slightly to the side and pulling his jeans closer, he slipped something out of his pocket. I broke down in tears. Jow released my waist, and I leaned back a bit. Seeing him open that small red velvet box filled me with so many emotions.
I saw a movie play before my eyes, starting from my first day of school with that handsome boy who had thrown a military-printed backpack on the table and immediately captured my attention. I remembered how he had licked the trail of soda off my face and then traced his mouth to mine on our first kiss, or how he gently slid into me and took my virginity, or... all the times we woke up together and swore eternal love. I visualized our missteps before my eyes and felt certain that there was no fairer destiny after so much suffering than for us to be together.