Ana Oliveira Part 3

“I can’t say anything different,” I warned, standing up from the stool. “The only thing I understand from that message is that your brother thought it was absurd to have to be there in your place. I know you, Jow, expect me to say that Lucah was humiliating you, but I think you should see his last words to you as a gift. Lucah gave you the information I denied. He told you that your daughter was being born, that that baby was yours. And he did this while you threw a damn party that lasted for days, without even pausing when you knew he had died.”
“I was high, damn it! I only saw Lucah’s message the day you broke the speaker and attacked Bernardo,” he shouted, turning his back on me and holding his head with both hands. “I... was smoking weed and drinking for days, and when I found out my brother died, I kept trying to escape everything, the way I could. The noise, the music, the drinks made me forget.”
“Your brother had died, I was with a newborn baby, alone, and you had a damn loud speaker shaking the walls of my house. Josiah, are you incapable of admitting a damn mistake?”
“I didn’t even know you were home, Ana,” he whined, turning towards me. “I thought you were with Marta. I didn’t know she was traveling... I didn’t know anything. When Bernardo told me about Lucah, the only reaction I had was to drink...”
“Not even when Lucah died did you stop hating him?”
“Do you think I wanted to hate my brother?” he argued bitterly. “I thought that, in addition to all the hell he caused me in my childhood, Lucah had also stolen you from me! How do you think I could have good feelings towards someone like that? I’m not a damn saint... But I’m not a demon either. I wasn’t happy my brother died, I didn’t wish him ill. I just wanted him to stay away from me, that’s all.”
I walked over to the living room sofa, sitting down and sighing. So many misunderstandings. I felt that this conversation should have happened earlier... There was no satisfaction in discovering these things. It was frustrating, making me feel immature for still harboring resentment towards the father of my child for his older brother, letting him believe we had an affair just because of the way he ended things with me. I saw my mistakes dancing before my eyes, just as I saw his.
I had believed for a long time that he threw that party to annoy me and continued it even knowing his brother had died. I thought Jow had turned up the volume because he thought Júlia was Lucah’s daughter, and that’s why he didn’t consider not making a racket next to our house. I was completely wrong... Josiah didn’t even know I was home.
A horrible guilt crept under my skin, making me cry again. Oh, heavens! I was shattered, destroyed in every possible way. Yes! The way I fueled the belief in a relationship with Lucah within Josiah only made things worse between the two of them. I was selfish...
“Ana...” Josiah called, sitting on the coffee table. “I still love you!”
I looked at the man completely exposed before me. I had always wanted to hear that phrase, that confession. In my childhood dreams, I prayed to God for Josiah to tell me that. I used to imagine that we would get back together, that we would be happy, that all the hurts would be set aside, and there would be a future for us. But at that moment, I felt so much pain. I felt pain because I understood that all those misunderstandings, the way we explored each other’s insecurity and hatred, dug an insurmountable path in our story.
“I forgive you for treating me like a nobody the day you ended our relationship. I forgive you for everything, and I ask you to forgive me too,” I said, holding his hands in mine.
“I can’t forgive what you did to Bernardo, Ana. I can forgive everything, but that...”
“I didn’t ask for forgiveness for Bernardo, Josiah,” I interrupted, pulling my hands away. “I asked for forgiveness for not telling you about our daughter, for... lying about Lucah. But I can’t ask for forgiveness for Ber because... I don’t remember doing that.”
“You were there, Docinho,” he said gently and calmly, looking into my eyes. I began to cry uncontrollably because it hurt to see how my love believed I could do something like that. “And when I helped him, when I found Bernardo on the floor, he murmured your name.”
“I don’t want to believe that...” I whimpered.
“Neither do I, Ana... Neither do I.”
I broke down, crying loudly as I thought about it all. I carried so many burdens in life, so many wrongs I had done, but I could never imagine myself harming Ber. I remember breaking the speaker clearly. But I couldn’t even remember seeing Bernardo that night.
I hadn’t been drinking; I tended to forget things if I drank too much and took antidepressants, and only that could explain a blackout in memory. However, I was sober, on bed rest, and breastfeeding, having barely been discharged after giving birth. It was a fact that I had had a breakdown, that I was at my limit, angry, grieving, with all my trauma from deaths resurfacing, with a newborn baby crying nonstop due to the noise... But I still didn’t want to believe I could hurt someone that way, much less someone I loved.
I spent hours in a fetal position, crying on the sofa, while Josiah stared at me, his face covered in tears.

"I have to pick up Júlia from daycare," Josiah broke the silence. "You have three options: I can take you to Marta's house, you can come with me to pick up our daughter, or you can stay here with one of my friends."
Oh my God! I completely forgot about my daughter...
I thought about my options. I didn’t want to go to Marta's, and I knew my ex-boyfriend. He wouldn’t leave me alone due to his worry about someone harming me. I needed a friend to confide in, to talk about what I was thinking of doing... Luana was working, so she wasn’t an option. I didn’t want to discuss my plans with Marta because she would likely try to dissuade me.
An idea came to mind. Since I was being honest with Josiah, I thought it was time to finally talk to someone else who had been in my life when everything went wrong and we separated...
"Call Isabela, please!" I asked, sitting down. "I just want to talk to her."
Josiah looked at me, furrowing his brows, before his eyes widened and he turned red. He was worried, and it was clear what was going through his mind.
"Why? You're not thinking of doing something foolish, are you? Remember that you have Júlia, and no one else can be a mother to her."
"I'm not going to kill myself, Josiah. You can rest assured!" I said. "I won't make my daughter an orphan, like my parents did to me."
He looked at me for a few minutes before grabbing the car keys from the living room rack. I took a deep breath, feeling a weight on my shoulders. I was exhausted, feeling like a truck had run over me. Josiah stopped at the door, as if he was about to open it. Then he turned his head, looking at me over his shoulder.
"I love you, Docinho. I've loved you all these years, every day since I met you..." he said before leaving.
I stood there for many minutes, feeling my heart breaking. God! Why? Why did we do everything wrong? Why did we build this wall between us? I loved him so much... I would do anything to have him back. Even though he had ended things with me that way, I forgave him. I wanted him, but I knew I wouldn’t have him anymore. Not in the way I needed.