Ana Oliveira Part 3

Josiah hung up the phone. I wanted to collapse, to fill myself with pills and sleep to avoid the avalanche coming my way, ready to bury me. But there was no option but to be strong because, besides being a mother, I had to hold it together for the broken girl in front of me. The hurt girl who had only blindly trusted me and Bernardo. Now, the boy she spent nights praying for in the hospital had died.
He was gone.
“Isa... Come here!” I called, opening my arms, approaching her for a hug.
God, if you’re out there, help me! Help me endure! Hold me! Make me even stronger!
Confused, the redhead accepted my embrace but only briefly, as she realized what I was still too afraid to verbalize. I took a deep breath, holding my own body, ordering it to stay strong. Ordering my knees not to give in. Isabela slightly pulled her head back from my shoulder, trying to catch my eyes with her gaze, but I hugged her tighter, and it was impossible for my friend not to understand the signs. That’s when she voiced her realization:
“No... Please, Ana. Tell me it’s not what I’m thinking,” Isabela started shouting, clutching my shirt on my back and pulling the fabric away from my skin, bracing herself not to fall, crying, feeling the pain. “It’s Ber, isn’t it? He’s dead, isn’t he?” she asked. I couldn’t speak, as saying it out loud would destroy me. “Answer, damn it!” She grabbed my shoulders and shook me, her face streaming with relentless tears, completely red. “Please, friend, please…”
“Yes, Isa... Yes.”
“How... Oh no! My God!” she whined, sliding down the pink, fluffy carpet on the floor, bracing herself against the foot of the huge bed and screaming.
I needed to say something... But the fear that this was all my fault was crawling through my body like a venomous snake ready to strike and destroy my sanity. I swallowed the lump in my throat, eyes wide open, my whole body shivering.
“Ana!” Isabela stared at me, then widened her eyes. “Friend, it wasn’t you. Don’t blame yourself, please!” Isabela got up and threw herself against me, hugging me tightly between her arms, making me collapse onto her body and break down. “Don’t think that, because I know if you take on such guilt, you won’t handle it. Look at me, look, damn it!” she ordered, grabbing my face between her small hands and crying. “I can’t lose you too, do you hear?”
“Yes... Calm down, Isabela. Remember I’m a mother! I will never leave my daughter. Calm down!” I begged, as if I weren’t nearly shouting from desperation. Our eyes locked, faces drenched with tears from the shared pain of the person we had just lost. And the pain in my chest was heavy, solid, and seeing that suffering in Isabela’s desolate gaze made me sure the weight in her chest was exactly the same.
“Where is she, mom?” Josiah yelled from outside the room.
“Don’t lose control in front of Júlia, son... Stay calm! Everything will be okay,” Marta advised from afar. Her voice was a thin, sad, and defeated thread.
“Ana!” Josiah roared.
Isabela ran out of the room, and, in a natural impulse, I followed her, worried about what my friend might do. When we reached the living room, the light-colored room seemed engulfed in darkness because the shades of pain were like that, somber, draining the brightness from things. Harry was rocking Júlia in his arms, heading to the kitchen, probably to remove her from the chaotic environment. My friend ran to Bill, as if thinking of throwing herself into his arms but struggling with herself first. I didn’t see what happened next because Josiah came quickly towards me. I feared he would come like a steamroller, making me feel worse. I thought he would yell at me, accuse me, but he only fell to his knees before me, crying, gripping my waist.
I turned my gaze to Marta, who was crying, desolate. She looked at her son with so much suffering on her face. I knew my mother-in-law was crying for everything: for Ber, for seeing her youngest suffer so much, for the way he was feeling.
I knelt before Josiah, still fearing his words. My heart was bleeding, as if staying whole was a struggle. And I had so much pain residing in my body at that moment, but I held onto it and tamed it, stopping myself from breaking down, from suffering the way I wanted to. Looking at the man I loved, there on his knees, like that, made me feel I knew that sensation exactly. The sensation of losing a brother, of being unable to save someone we love. I smoothed his face, hugging him, kissing his tears, trying not to cry even more. Praying that my heart would be armored, prepared in case the people I loved decided to blame me for that tragedy.

“Shhhh!” I consoled, battling with the part of me that wanted to grieve in peace, that wanted to be free to live the pain. “Everything will be okay, my love. I know it hurts; believe me. I know exactly how your heart feels right now…”
“I don’t even know how it’s still beating, Docinho… How?” Josiah whimpered, resting his forehead on my shoulder and letting out a long sob.
Josiah was barefoot, as if he had come here without thinking. He was only wearing his usual dark long-sleeve shirt and black pants, with his face very red and worn out. He looked a bit thinner, with dark circles under his eyes…
“How did it happen?” I asked, holding his face.
“A blood clot detached from his leg and blocked a vein in his heart. They couldn’t stop it in time… I loved him so much, Ana. So much…” he sobbed. “Poor thing, he didn’t deserve this.”
“He loved you too, Josiah!” I comforted, kissing his cheeks. “I’m so sorry!”
My heart ached for Bernardo. He was sweet, even though he had been angry with me and distanced himself from my life after my breakup with Josiah. I was hurt, yes, but I would never be able to do anything against Ber. I couldn’t believe it, because even though I was distraught, I hadn’t forgotten any important detail of that night. Why would I forget hitting someone? If I had, I would have remembered, as I remembered the other events of that moment.
“Don’t worry, I’m not going to blame you. Later… When… And if… I’m okay, we’ll talk about it. For now, I just want your arms, just help me. I don’t want to lose you too,” he begged. Those words pierced deep into my soul, and I hugged him so tightly, merging our tears as his cheek rested against mine, feeling like I needed that pressure to keep him from slipping away from me. “Forgive me… Just make me okay.”
I stayed hugging him, kneeling on the living room carpet, feeling his heart beat frantically above my own chest. After managing to get him to take a shower and accept a chamomile tea, Marta asked to speak with her son. I left them in his room and ran outside. I ran crying because I needed air, I needed to break down. I had kept it together through all those moments after discovering the death of our friend, only because they needed me. I knew of my innocence, but a horrible insecurity whispered in my ear that they blamed me, that they thought I was responsible for the loss of the man we all loved. I knew they believed I had started the storm that had taken Bernardo from us.
I fell to my knees in the yard, screaming, letting the pain out until my throat burned. I screamed for minutes on end, letting the pain I had tried to hide crawl up my vocal cords.
Damn it!
Ber! Why, damn it?
Why did this have to happen to him? Why was life so cruel to someone with a heart of gold? He loved Josiah so much, was so faithful to him, that he was hurt with me for thinking I had broken his brother’s heart. Because that’s what they were: brothers. He was sweet and… shone. And now, there was a new star in the sky. A star that would surely shine brighter than any other.