Chapter 98

"I have to go," I disentangled from him, my legs wobbling as my feet touched the ground. I adjusted my dress without meeting his eyes. My hands are busy setting everything back to its place and smoothing my dress over my legs.

"No, Bella... don't. Don't run." James clutched my hand stopping me in my tracks.

I whirled, my eyes betraying my emotions as I faced him.

"Can't you see? This... what just happened can't happen between us. We are done. Doing this won't prove anything except that you are bad for me"

"You are wrong Bella. This would happen. Again, and again, until I'm in your blood"

"James..."

"Admit you don't like it. Admit you don't want it"
"I..."
"You can't. Because this," he pointed to the wall where they were engrossed in each other before, "is both of us. Not just me. You were there all the way with me"

I put my hand at my neck, trying to calm my erratic pulse.

"That's why I have to stay away from you. When you are close, my brain stops functioning. I can't see the world. It's you and only you who can cloud my judgment. It's not good for me"

"Bella... is that so wrong? Why can't we be together? Get lost in that clown. We could be like before," James whispered, cupping my jaw once again.

I took a step back, not trusting my body.

"Have you regretted what happened?"

James looked at the wall. I shook my head and pronounced, "not now. Before. When you conceal the fact that you are..." I swallowed the lump and continued in a whisper, "married?"

"Bella"

"You have. You can only regret it if you think you have done wrong. Nothing has changed James. Yes, my body craves your touch. But my heart... my heart is still broken. You can't patch it up with lust. You can't bring my trust back," I turned from him and this time without looking at his rigid posture, I walked with my head up, my back straight.

It is difficult. More difficult than I thought to walk away from him. How can I when he is trying to give me what I longed for? But as I said to him, this is no longer about his touch. He needs to earn me.

I finally located the ladies-room and walked inside, only to stop short. Because standing before me is none other than Jacqueline. The woman who tried to wreck me.

I stood straight. Enough of backing down. In my current mood, if she tries anything, I would dollop the same treatment she bestowed on me.

Without looking at her, I faced the mirror and tried to fix myself.

My swollen lips and disheveled hair have not gone unnoticed by her.

She scrunched her nose and says, "whore"

I pause as she repeats it. "Excuse me?"

"I said you can't keep your legs shut for a second. Can you?"
My cheeks turned red.

"Listen, you-" I trailed off as the door opened and a woman entered. I don't want to make a scene, hence I swallowed the words and continued on with my business.

But Jacqueline has had it for me, what with the daggers she is throwing at me with her eyes.
"Oh ya, you were saying? Why can you say that? Aren't you the one who flirted with my husband?"

I sucked my breath as her barb hit the target. The other woman stopped in her truck and looked disgustingly at me. Sensing the audience, Jacqueline went for my jugular.

"You are pathetic. Does it thrill you to trap married men? Don't you think about their wives? Is this what your parents taught you? To trap an older, wealthy man even though he is married? Don't you have ethics? Girls like you are nothing but sluts who get high on wrecking others' homes. You are a home-wrecker! A cheat!"

Tears swelled in my eyes. But I didn't shed any. I thought I could handle her, in fact, I was ready to give her a piece of my mind. But after listening to her, what can I say? How can I defend myself?

Saying "I don't know" doesn't cut it. Because that is what she expects. Everyone says that in the same situation. And what she said has a grain of truth in it. Because in the end... I was ready to accept James even if he is married if only, he confided in me.

I really am a homewrecker. Suddenly, James's imprint on my body repulsed me. Because of what she has accused me of, though I haven't done it before, I'm now. I cheated on Chris.

All the defenses I tried to build this month-long, lay crumbled at my feet. One meet. All it took was one meeting to reduce me into this insecure creature.

I never hated James more than now. I couldn't stay here and listen to her venom. She is sprouting venom, but I don't have words to defend those attacks.

Without looking at either of them, I walked past the door, my head bent low. How could I let her get to me? First James, now her.

If not for what happened between us a while ago, I may have said something. But with his kiss on my lips, my passion for him on my thighs glistening, how can I refute her claim?

I'm a cheat. James has made me into one. I walked into the hall. Suddenly, the crowd became suppressed.

I felt like their laughs pointed at me. Their jibes are about me. It all became too much. I have to get out of here. I can't stay.

I searched frantically for Chris, looking left and right. My only goal at the moment is to get away. Far away from the crowd.

The tears that I have so proudly held back, trailed my cheeks. There is nothing that makes me proud now.

I have been ripped once again to shreds and this time I'm to blame. I have plunged into sin without thinking, without fearing the consequences and they caught up to me.

Oh, James, why does this always happen to us? Just when I thought he couldn't do any more damage to me, he proves me wrong.

But this time... this time, the fault lies with me too. Yet, I couldn't stay away from him. What a tangled web we weave!

Sweat trickled from my forehead. My breaths shortened as my panic increased. No!!! Not now.
My condition went unnoticed by the people around me. How can they be so calm? I feel like my world has exploded yet they are laughing and joking as if nothing is amiss.

My eyes finally find a smiling Chris. Without caring whether I'm disturbing him from his conversation, I beeline him and clutched his arm.

"Chris," I mumbled, not in the state to form coherent sentences yet.
He stopped mid-explanation and peered at me.

I don't know what he saw in my face but he bid an excuse to the person he was talking to, tucked my arm in his, and steered me to the exit.

I pressed my hand on his arm to get his attention.

"No. No. Not this side," I pressed panic-stricken.

I can't face the cameras and the media mob now. Not after those jibes fresh on my mind.
"But-" Chris's voice faded away, a frown between his eyebrows.

"Is there..." I wet my lips and stuttered, "is there any back entrance?"

"Let me take you to the balcony first. No one would disturb you there. Once you have calmed down, perhaps we can go through the back entrance?" Chris asked, cocking his head to one side.
His side is what appealed to me. He may have ignored me during the beginning of this date, he may have been thoughtless, but when I needed him, he would be there. Always. And I cheated on him.

My eyes looked down to my shoes, unable to meet his caring ones. I have ruined this. How can I continue after what I did to him?

Chris, unaware of my inner conflict, steered me clear of the crowd and took me to the balcony which was thankfully empty.

I clutched the railing of the balcony as I took huge, long gulps of air into my lungs. My mind is still unclear, my heart hurting... but at least my breathing has calmed down a bit.

My grip on the iron railing tightened, my hand stinging, letting me know the pain I'm causing to myself. But that pain is nothing compared to the pain in my heart.

My thoughts are jumbled, though I blamed James in anger, it's not completely his fault.
No matter whose fault it is, I have to tell Chris about what happened. That is the right thing to do.

Hardening my heart, I took a huge breath and turned to Chris.
"Chris, I... I have to say something to you," I whispered, not having enough courage to say it any louder.

Chris took a step forward, not listening to a word I said, he grabbed my arms and pulled me closer.

Panic gripped me. No! I stood still without knowing what to do. My heartbeat increased in anxiety. I don't want this... his touch over James's one... erasing James's touch, yet my guilt kept me rooted to the spot.

I opened my mouth and didn't know what to say just as Chris's head bent forward.