Chapter 87

Bella- Rose POV

It's been a week since that incident. Though Scott alerted me that the photos and articles on all those sites have been taken down, I couldn't feel solace.

Once, after the incident, I tried to go back to my place. I walked a few steps to my car... that's it. Then it happened. I felt people's eyes on my back as if they were pointing at me... accusing me... whispering about me... mocking me.

Panic rose from my chest like liquid fire crawling up my throat. My heartbeat elevated until I couldn't control my breathing. My chest puffed in and out and my breath came out in gasps through my lips.

Goosebumps rippled over my skin making my palms clammy. My eyes squinted everywhere checking the source of my unease, but I couldn't find it. People's laughter rang in my ears.

Slut!

Man-stealer!

I can hear them as if someone said to me to my face. I tried to cover my ears in vain. I was unable to handle it. I stopped going outside of the house after that.

That's when my anxiety attacks began. It is triggered by anything and everything... loud noises, laughter, even the click sounds that a camera makes.

Nightmares like I never experienced before come to me daily. I woke with a scream, drenched in sweat in the middle of the night every day.

My nightmares are always the same. People surrounded me, hounding me with their cameras. And always... always, I fell down making it easy for them to catch me.

Entering a room full of people became a challenge. I stopped watching tv or my phone. All day, every day I only do one thing... gaze at the ceiling lying on my bed. My parents have to remind me to eat something.

My family started worrying about me. Nana, Mathew... shit, even Scott who never cared about anything other than his food also got worked up looking at me.

It's not healthy, I know. I'm prolonging the suffering by scooping up inside my parent's home. But I need time. Time to heal. Time to overcome this panic.

You may ask, what's the big deal, it was only one date? But no. Though I met him only once, it was intense. Our relationship was nothing like usual. We had a kind of raw passion that was seen only in the books.

Recovering from that is not easy. Add on the fact the trauma I went through that day. It all became one big mess that won't let me forget... let me live.

I wouldn't have suffered so much if not for his words. He weaved his magic through them. Words are dangerous. They have the power to topple one's world. Words... that I haven't uttered since I said goodbye to James.

The corner of my eyes burned thinking about his name. I blinked several times to clear the blurry vision.

The pain that was so intense it was crippling was now just a flicker in my gut. All those words... my brain percolates it to save my sanity.

No more Bella. You need to stop shedding tears for him. He took so much from me already. Not anymore. It's time to take my life back. To make my life mine once again.

I slowly roused from the bed as if I woke up from a deep slumber. Perhaps I'm. I splashed some water on my face in the bathroom all the while ignoring the mirror. This is one other normal thing now. No looking in the mirrors or photos.

I looked at my three-day-old pajamas and wrinkled my nose. Perhaps a shower is not a bad thing.
After making use of the shower, I changed into another set of t-shirt and night-pants. With my hair neatly combed and tied up in a ponytail (another thing. Because HE doesn't like it) I walked downstairs to face the music.

I entered the dining room with measured steps, my head bent to avoid looking at their eyes, hoping I would go unnoticed. No such luck. Everyone still noticed my presence. Worry lined their faces as their eyes landed on me. The sudden ensuing silence became so heavy that my skin prickled. My anxiety started to rise again.

If I had known that to get my family's attention, I have to go through this ruination then I would never have wished for it. I was better while sticking to the walls.

No one knows what to say. They were looking at me as if I might burst into tears any second. Easily breakable. With sympathy in their eyes. I hated it. This is not me. Or us.

Our family is not like this. Where did the unfiltered talk go? The teasing, the pleading, the fighting, everything has gone. They have to watch what they say before me now. And I don't like a bit of it. HE made my family like this. A stain on my character, I could wipe it off and move on, but HE brought down my dad's name too.

My dad, who worked so much to achieve what he has. Who never took a penny from others... who is praised as an honest officer, was called corrupt? Because of HIM.

I walked to his chair, feeling my family's eyes behind my back, knelt before him, and engulfed him in a hug while he still sat on it.

"I'm sorry, daddy. I should have listened to you. I'm so sorry. Because of me... you have to go through so much trouble. Can you forgive me?" I whispered on his shoulder.

Dad patted my back as though I'm a delicate flower and he might crush me if handled roughly.
He then replied, "what's there to forgive Bells? It's not you’re doing. I wish you had not gone through that. But what's done is done. I'm happy that at least you are putting this behind you", Dad said in a husky voice giving away that he is struggling to not shed his tears.

I really wished I could put it behind me. But it's not a band-aid that can be ripped and be done with it. However, I have to learn to hide my suffering from them. They have endured enough because of me. I won't increase their pain by wilting before them. I have to mask my emotions from them.

"Boys are bad. They only hurt me", I shed a tear making his shirt wet as I said that.

"Now, Bella, not all boys are bad", Mom, the ever hopeful, chimed in. "We can find a good, sweet boy for you who won't hurt you", Mom dived into her imagination.

"Mom!" Scott face-palmed his head hearing the ridiculousness of her statement. I too would have done the same if I was normal.

"What! I was just saying", Mom said, acting innocent.

"Olive, not now", Dad shook his head while still hugging me.

"Well... it would be nice if she found a date by Josephine's marriage", Mom shrugged as if it's not a big deal. Mom and her competition with her nemesis, Stella. Since she found out her daughter is marrying some rich guy, Mom was struggling to find me a decent fellow.

Everyone groaned at the same time hearing her plight. Me... however, laughed for the first time since the ordeal. Trust my family to sprout nonsense during this time. If left unguarded, they would even play in an orchestra at a funeral.

I didn't care that everyone's eyes were on me. For once, I felt liberated. I laughed one of those full bellies laughs for so long that tears gathered in my eyes.

"Bella", dad asked concernedly while staring at my tears.

"No... no. They are not sad ones. Trust me, dad. I'm happy that whatever happened didn't blemish the spirit of this family", I said as I wiped the tears.

"Of course. No one could take that away from us. We are Murray's", Nana said slamming her hand on the table.

"And James", Mom added as per usual. Pain sliced through my chest hearing his name.
Cue awkwardness. Mathew cleared his throat while Scott and dad glared at mom. Nana snickered at mom's slip up.

"I should have beat the crap out of him when I had the chance" Scott who was usually cool as cucumber became an erupting volcano. I stood up and went to him and laid my hand on his arm.
"Scott, A public official may be tried for malfeasance and if convicted he may be dismissed from office and can receive such other penalties as the law states. Do you want to risk it? Is he worth it? I don't think so. Leave him be. We don't need the hustle. It's better if we forget about him", I said with a false bravado I was far from feeling.

Mom looked sheepishly at me and asked,

"Do you want us to change our last names? We can all be Murray's"

Nana's eyes sparkled hearing this. Of course, she would be happy.

"No need. It's just a name. It has no power over me", I shrugged and avoided meeting their eyes. Instead, I turned to Nana and hugged her tightly.

"Nana, I'm sorry I missed work."

"Shh...don't worry about that. I have hired a new chef. Nothing like you, but someone has to do the baking. You just take your time. You are important to me", Nana said, understanding why I diverted the topic.

I then noticed some pamphlets on the table. I released her from my hold, turned to the table, and held the top one.

"Seriously guys?" I asked with disbelief etching my face as I looked at the 'Need a therapist' advertisement.

Beneath it, there are two more with yoga classes (what would I do in that?) and tai chi classes (not gonna touch it with a ten-foot pole). Knowing me, how could they think that-

1. Talk to a complete stranger about my deepest secrets

2. Twist my hands and legs in an unnatural way (trust me, I couldn't even touch my toes while bending)

3. Kick someone's butt (I would be lucky if I didn't slip and punch myself in the process)
I folded my arms and glared at them. "Whose idea is this?"

Everyone pointed to the person sitting beside them at the same time.

"Oh, come on!" I gave an eye roll and raised my hands, giving up on my family. Seeing my normal behavior, they relaxed and joked about the pamphlets.

"You could at least try this one", Scott said as he extended tai chi one.

"I will take them when you go on a diet", I retorted with a smirk knowing it will never happen. Nana snorted beside me which turned into a laugh. Pretty soon everyone joined.

Looking at their happy faces, I felt a sense of belonging that I didn't feel before. I promised myself, no matter how much pain I must go through, I wouldn't let anything wipe out these happy smiles from their faces. They are family. My family.