Chapter 102

Tranquility. That's the bubble I'm in for a week. As promised James never approached me. His willingness to accept my decision increased the guilt inside me tenfold.

His acceptance is making me fall in love with him all over again. Why can't he be like other people and give up on me? Why must he give importance to my every wish? It might look like whining to you but his very quality makes it hard to walk away from him.

He is expecting too much from me. I can't reach them. I can't ask him to wait for me forever, at the same time, I can't imagine him with other women. It would kill me. It's twisted I know. Who knows I'm dark inside?

There is no end to this. I feel like I'm walking on a never-ending dark tunnel with only a single ray of light to guide me through. I thought I could brave his world but instead, it chewed me and spit it out.

His words resonated inside me. But what kind of person will that make me if I make him change himself, his surroundings to be with me?

Night has fallen silently, stars scattered on the deep, dark sky. I lay wrapped in my duvet, playing our moment on loop.

The echo of his touch still lingered on my skin. It was hard before but I managed. Now... it is impossible. His scent seeped in my pores. I can feel his breath on my neck, his tongue teasing my pulse, especially at night times. It's as if he is behind me, igniting my body once again.

I don't know who I am punishing by pushing him away. I thought I'm protecting myself but as time went by I found it hard to believe my reasoning. I'm punishing myself more than him.

James's words are clear... just like him. He knows what he wants, how to get it. If only I'm not a coward. Even now James didn't see my cowardliness. He sees only me. The "me" he wants to be with- braver, determined.

But that's not me.

A lone tear trailed sideways, wetting the pillow.

"James," I whispered his name in the dark of night. I don't give myself permission to use it in the daylight. Because I lost the right. But at night times, my shield crumbles. His is the only name on my lips. His is the only touch my body craves.

Now that I tasted it, I want more. Much more. I imagine his mouth on the parts of my body I never thought I could show to anyone. I imagine his hands holding me, teasing me as his mouth devours me. He makes me bolder. And I want to be bold, for him.

I slowly trail my fingers over the edge of my panties before sliding them and touching my nub. It's soaked. A moan escapes my lips as I rub myself gently imagining it's James who is touching me there.

A blaring sound startled me from my fantasies. I swiftly removed my fingers as if I got caught red-handed, my hand in a cookie jar. Groaning to myself for my weakness, I rolled and picked the phone.

It's 1 am. Why is Amanda calling me this late at night?

If she is drunk somewhere and wants a ride to her place, I would be pissed. It's not often I get engulfed thinking about James.

"This better be good Amanda. It's 1 am. We, humans, need a night of good sleep to function normally," I snapped on the phone, more irritated with myself. I'm a glutton for punishment.

"Bella... Bella, I need you to be calm," Amanda's frantic voice didn't match with the words she was whispering to me.

Unease traveled along my spine. What is she talking about? Why do I need to calm down? Their late-night calls are never good. Experience taught me that.

"Is something wrong Amanda? Are you in trouble?" I queried feeling my hackles rising. Something is going on and I have a bad feeling about it.

My mouth tasted like bile as My brain conjured different scenarios.
"Not me. I want you to not panic, ok? Don't panic. Stay calm"

"You are scaring me. What's happening? Why do I need to stay calm Amanda?"
"Oh my god, you didn't know!"

"Of course, I don't know. Now would you please enlighten me?" I snapped, not in the mood for her riddles.

"It's James, Bella," Amanda whispered gently.

My heart stopped and then picked up double the speed. Sweat dampened my hands, making it hard to hold onto my phone.

"What are you talking about, Amanda? What about James? Is he... is he ok?" I wheezed, tears seeping down my cheeks. I was not aware when my eyes glistened, but I didn't give any heed to that.

My hands clutched the phone hard, making the indent on my palm.

"We... I... don't know Bella"

"What do you mean you don't know? What happened to him?" I shouted over the top of my lungs as panic set in my veins.

My breath came out in shallow puffs. I never thought that something could happen to James. Why would I? He always stood like a pillar, giving his silent support.

My voice was small, afraid to hear the reply as I pleaded, "please Amanda, tell me the truth. I'm scared."

"Bella, relax. We don't know yet. But-"

"B... bu... but?"

Amanda took a second to answer as if gulping and thinking how to reply.
"His jet... his jet went missing"

I sucked my breath. Black vision danced around the edges of my eyes. His jet... his jet... missing.

I don't know from where I extracted the strength to hold on to the conversation long enough to get the details, but I did.

"Wh... when?"

"One hour ago. We lost all communication. The office is in upheaval. I was lucky that I was working a night shift and heard about it," I don't feel anything lucky about it. But I let her continue because I have to know the situation.

"Are they doing something? What... what will happen?" I asked, turmoil raging inside me.
"In situations like this we send a scout to look at it but... there is a storm brewing. It might take 2-4 hours for it to clear. For the higher-ups to do anything," Amanda relayed sympathetically knowing what havoc it's wrecking on my heart.

"4 hours! God! He might be in trouble. He could be lost. What if... what if... he is in need of medical assistance and-"

I couldn't complete the thought.

"Bella... think positive. It couldn't mean anything. Perhaps they landed somewhere," Amanda tried to soothe me but her voice lacked conviction.

"Why hasn't his jet communicated, Amanda? What's wrong with his jet?" I cried, my facade breaking.

"Oh god! Oh god! It's all my fault, Amanda. I shouldn't have let him go. I shouldn't have pushed him away. Now I might never see him. What if I'm too late Amanda? What if he is-"

"Don't think like that Bella. Everything will sort out. They know the drill in such situations. Believe in them... believe in James"

"If only I wasn't so stubborn Amanda. I wish I could take all those words back"

"You still love him don't you?" Amanda asked me after a few seconds of complete silence.
"I can't live without him. He is my air, Amanda. He is my life. My heart beats for him and only him Amanda. Oh god! What have I done? If something happens to him... "

"Do you want me to come to your place?" Amanda asked, extending a sympathetic hand unlike her.

"No!!! You stay there. Update me. Even if it's something trivial. Please... I beg you. Keep me in the loop. I don't know whom to ask"

"You know I will. I have to go, Bella. Stay strong," Amanda cut the call.

I collapsed on the floor unceremoniously as if all my energy had been drained after the call. Huge sobs wracked my body.

"James!! James, I love you. Please... please come back to me. I can't... I can't live without you. I need you, James"

I wailed as I clutched myself, rocking on my knees.

If I get another chance with him, I would grab with both my hands and never let go.

Instead of fighting my insecurities, my cowardice, I pushed him away. And he let me. Because that's what I asked. Now I rue the day.

I have so much to tell him... so much to know. We never went past that one date. I was so wrapped in myself that I never thought what he must be going through. How he must be coping.

I was never there for him... never. He was the one who knew everything about me. I know nothing about him. Does he have any family? Any friends?

Anyone who would be worried about his absence? How do contact them?

I started to realize how self-centered, how selfish I behaved, trying to protect my heart.
"I'm sorry James. I'm truly sorry. Come back to me, James. Please come back."

My skin became too small for my body. I feel like it is stretched tight to the extent that it might snap.

I couldn't stay in my home any longer. I need to be near him. Near his essence. Without thinking about the time or my attire, I wiped my tears, picked my car keys, and went outside.

I drove until I reached the gates of his mansion. His security team took one look at my tear-stained face and let me in.

Of course, they will let me in. Why not? Because James ordered them to do so. He was so sure, so trusting. And me... I was the coward who turned her back. Well, not anymore.