Chapter 40

I wake suddenly, startled by something I can’t even remember once my eyes are open, my body screaming at me, the pain in my back a bitter reminder of where I am.
I turn my head, looking for Garne, but instead of him in the chair, it was Mihai, his head lowered as he snores lightly.
I’ve never seen him sleep before, and sat like that can’t be comfortable, his neck is at an odd angle. I wonder if vampires get sore necks when they sleep funny. I know I do.
If I slept like that I’d be written off for days, maybe a week.
Maybe I should wake him up.
I clear my throat, watching him, but he doesn’t even stir. Not one move. Not even a sleepy grumble.
I lean forward, loudly clearing my throat, the sound shocking Mihai awake, and he’s across the room in seconds, leaning over me with angry black eyes.
“What?!” He shouts in my face, causing me to flinch.
I fight back the urge to punch him in the face, “I thought you’d be uncomfortable sleeping like that.” I say, “why not join me on the bed?”
He looks at me like I’m either crazy or stupid, and he hasn’t quite decided which, and maybe I am both of those things.
I am falling for a Nati after all, that makes me insane.
Stupid too, and definitely delusional to believe he’ll ever care for me the same as I care for him.
He moves back, siting on the edge of the bed, “sorry Mae, it’s been a long couple of days, I’ve not been feeling myself.” He rubs the back of his neck. “I heard about what you did.”
I watch him for several seconds, my voice bland. “Yeah, Garne said he’d find out what was going on for me, I’ve never done anything like that in my life.” I take his hand, “have I done something to upset you, Mihai?”
He’s acting so strange and distant, I must have done something. But what?
Is it because I nearly attacked the doctor?
Mihai frowns, shaking his head, “No of course not, I’m just concerned for you. We don’t know why but your body is changing it is almost like…” he stops, shaking his head.
“Almost like what?” I ask, my whole body tense.
“It is almost like you are a young Nati who is starting to come of age.” He says, but he doesn’t seem convinced.
“Is there any way of knowing what is happening to me?” I ask, nervously playing with my hands, “I hate not knowing, and I don’t want to play a guessing game.”
I fucking hate this. Why must there always be something wrong with me?
“I’ve asked the doctor to run some tests, and he did so whilst you were out cold, we should get the results soon.” He says, taking my hand, “try not to worry, my little spitfire, you’ll be fine regardless of the results, I’ll make sure of it.”
I snatch my hand back, “you can’t make that kind of promise when you don’t know what to expect.”
He nods, silent for a moment, “Are you hungry?” He asks, standing, “I’ll go get you something to eat.”
I nod, but mainly because I want him to leave, I don’t like the way he is acting, it doesn’t feel normal, it feels forced.
He’s worried, but he won’t tell me why.
Did he ever stop to think that I may be worried about it as well, or doesn’t he care?
Fuck him, fuck the doctor. Fuck my family.
They’re all the same. They just want to keep me in a bubble, one that they can control.
But that’s the thing about me, I won’t let anyone control me, I have always fought to be free and now that I am, I won’t ever go back to how I was.
The only person I will ever obey will be myself, no one else, not even Mihai.
Mihai watches me, as though he can tell what’s going on in my mind, “I won’t be long.” He said, “don’t leave this room.”
“Yeah, I know.” I snap, “this isn’t the average hospital.”
He kisses the top of my head, “Try and get some rest, I’ll send Garne in to watch over you.”
I calm down a little, realising that I am being irrational for no reason, he’s just worried about me, that’s why he’s acting so strange. It’s not that he doesn’t want me, he just doesn’t know what is happening to me, and neither do I.
“Mihai.” I call just as he reaches the door, and he turns, smiling at me, “be careful.” I say, trying to keep my voice low.
I’ve noticed that like me, Mihai has a weird attraction to trouble, and trouble finds him wherever he goes. Just as it does me.
Garne walks in seconds after Mihai leaves, and the good mood I was trying to cling to is destroyed, much like trees flooded with lava.
“You don’t look happy.” He comments, sitting on the edge of the chair.
“I’m not.” I say, wondering when I got so comfortable around him, “I want to know what is wrong with me, and I don’t like being left in the dark.”
I can’t remember the last time I actually had someone to talk to with no strings attached, but with Garne, I can be myself. Even if it never lasts long.
“There is nothing wrong with you, and you are not being left in the dark.” He grumbles, huffing a breath, “as soon as we know what the fuck is going on, you’ll be informed.”
“There’s no need to get pissy.” I snap, crossing my arms despite the pain, “if it were you in my situation, I’m sure you would be curious to know what’s happening too.”
“Yeah, I’d be curious, but I wouldn’t get so uptight about it.” He says coldly, “you are acting like a spoilt child who has been told no, why can’t you accept that no everyone is out to hurt you?”
I frown, thinking about what he said, and I can’t help but realise that he’s right, I’m acting like a stupid child who doesn’t know right from wrong, or does but hasn’t really faced any consequences yet.
I’m treating them like they’ve betrayed my trust, and they haven’t, not even close.
All they’ve done is take care of me, and make sure I’m healthy, and all I have done is spit it back in their face.
“I’m sorry.” I say, shoulders dropping, “I hadn’t realised I was being so cruel.”
“Maybe you didn’t realise, but it doesn’t change it.” He says, leaning forward, “if you want to change how people see you, maybe you should change how you act.”
Change who you are.
Those are the words I hear him say, and it reminds me of my father, he could never accept me for who I was either.
Maybe no one can accept me.
And that is ok, because i am not going to change, not for anyone.
I am, who i am. They can either deal with it or die trying to change me, but i will not mould myself into something i am not for the benefit of other people. Fuck that.
It doesn’t matter what they think of me, it only matters what i think of myself.