Chapter 80

I quickly climb off the sofa, watching as the door closes, Mihai and I alone again. But I can’t help feeling as though I have done something wrong, something that I wasn’t supposed to do. We took a little time for ourselves, who cared that there is a war going on. The war will still be there when we come back in a few days.
But of course, I don’t get a break from all the shit, I never have, why change that now? I have to live in a constant state of fear, that is the way I have been programmed.
Fight or flight doesn’t exist for me. It’s fight. Fight with everything that you have inside of you until there is nothing left that you can give.
That is the way I was raised, and I can’t just forget that because someone else doesn’t like the way that I think. The kind doesn’t work that way. It remembers everything. The pain. The long hours of training. The times that Nathanial glanced at me with pure pride because I had achieved something no one believed that I could.
In many ways, he was, and still is, the only father that I have ever had. He’s the only family I know, he and my brothers. And now Jake is the only son left from my mother, all because I killed Sean. I took his life, and now I don’t even know it is was worth it.
Could I have just wounded him so he would not have got back up? Maybe. But I didn’t. It was my choice to kill him.
I made the choice all on my own, and now I have to live with constant consequences of that.
I betrayed my family, the only family I had ever known. And for what? Just so I could live a life that I don’t even want.
This wasn’t the dream I had dreamed of it isn’t even close to it. I’m lost, lonely and surrounded by people I don’t know if I should trust.
This is more like a nightmare than the freedom I wanted for myself.
“He won’t be mad for long.” Mihai says, believing that is what I am worried about. “He’ll come back around.”
“It doesn’t matter.” I say softly, picking up my coffee cup and downing the contents.
“What is that supposed to mean?” Mihai asks, stepping forward, “don’t tell you that you are sinking again, love, we’ve just gotten you out of that hole.”
“I’m not sinking.” I say, my voice cold. “I just need a minute ok?”
He looks taken back, shocked. But after a moment c he nods, “I’ll wait out here for you.”
“Yeah ok.” I reply, walking into the bedroom and shutting the door behind me.
If only I could just disappear.
Sometimes I think it would be better if I weren’t here, but without me, and the plans I have set in motion, the Nati would never be able to take out the hunter council. Hundreds more would die, and it would all be because ei gave up on not just myself, but them too.
I can’t do that, I can’t be responsible for all of that innocent death.
Don’t get me wrong, some hunter families are innocent too, but they know what they are fighting for, they know what happens down in the lower levels. The council don’t hide what they do. They broadcast it. They make everyone aware.
In some sick sort of way, at least they don’t lie to everyone. There has to be a bright side there somewhere. Right?
I pull on some comfy grey joggers and a black turtleneck jumper, slipping into my running shoes. I pull my hair back into a high ponytail and stare at myself in the mirror.
I look like Luthor, as much as I’d like to deny even being related to someone so powerful in the Nati world, I can’t. We look too similar. But I have my mothers nose, her freckles and her ears. It isn’t much, but she is there, she’s a part of me, even if it is only a small part.
I miss her. I miss her every single day.
I wish that I was old enough to do something about it. I wish I could have saved her. But I was a child, and I had no idea what was even happening behind closed doors.
I had no idea that she was in danger.
After she died, everything changed, Nathanial was so preoccupied with training that he neglected most of my needs. I had to learn to do things for myself. Even so young.
I never truly got the chance to be a child, not in the way that others do, and not in the way that I wanted. my mother's decision changed everything, but then again, I wouldn't like to be Nathanial’s child. especially not after the way that he treated Sean. He abandoned him like he was nothing. Like his life meant nothing.
No doubt he has blamed me for that too, told Jake that I killed our brother out of cold blood.
Nathanial wants to control me, just as he always has, but this time, I won’t bow to him. I won’t let him destroy what is left of the goodness in my heart.
I walk out the bedroom and into the small living room, Mihai waiting for me, he isn’t smiling, and he doesn’t look happy. But I can’t bring myself to care. We had a good morning, we connected. But now we have to leave and face the real world again. Even if neither of us wants to.
“Are you ready?” He asks, holding out his hand.
I gently place my hand in his, nodding my head, “I’m ready.” I say, but I’m not sure I am telling the truth.
I’m not ready for any of this.
I just want to be left alone.
We walk out of the cabin together, hand in hand, and Luthor is waiting for us outside, a phone in his hand.
He turns to us the moment the door closes, “Dren is waiting for us back at the house.” He tells us, his eyes on me. “Are you ready to meet your brother?”
I take a deep breath in through my nose, “I’m ready.” I tell him, but again, I feel as though I am lying.
He looks at me more closely, offering a small smile, “everything will be ok.” He says, and he sounds so sure of it. “Dren will love you just as much as I do.”
I guess as long as he doesn’t hate me, I am winning.
Though I’m not sure if that’ll change, will he betray me too? Just as Sean did.
I hope not.
I hope that I don’t have to kill another brother.
“Let’s go.” I say, pulling Mihai forward.
We have to go, before I lose my nerve.
Before I run away again.