Chapter 44

It has been a few days since i found out what i really am, and to be honest, i feel no different, i am still healing at a normal human rate. Well, what is normal for me anyway, I've always healed faster than the others around me. I guess now i know why. It is because i was never human.
It's strange to think that my father is a Nati lord, and that i have siblings who are Nati. I wonder if they will treat me the same as my human brothers do. I mean nothing to them, and i doubt that i ever have.
Perhaps they hate me because they know what i am.
I have no idea what was going through my father’s mind when he found out my mother was pregnant with me, a Nati, but also a human. How hard must it have been for him?
No, fuck that, he is one of the people who decided that she had to die, and i will never forgive him for that. She died for love, and he raised me away from my true family, all because he wanted to use me to destroy others of my kind.
They call the Nati monsters, but they cannot see who the true demons are, and it is them. It is my brothers, my father, the council, all of them are so blinded by hate that they cannot see the truth. But i can.
I can see what they are.
Mihai walks into the library where i have been sat for most of the day, i told him i was going to read, but the book still sits on the first page, and my mind continues to spiral out of control.
I'm angry, i am so mad that it hurts my bones, fury swimming through my veins like a tsunami, and it is consuming me. It is controlling me in ways that anger never should, because decisions made with rage are never good ones.
But i want to hurt them, all of them, i want them to feel fear and know that i will be the last thing that they will ever see before they die.
And they will die by my hand, I'll make sure of it.
Mihai sits down beside me, “I take it you didn’t get much reading done.” He says, closing the book that i had left open on the table. “It’s ok, you can try again tomorrow.”
I slam my hands against the hard wood of the table, cracking it, “I don’t want to try again tomorrow, i don’t want to sit here wasting away when i could be doing something to make them pay.” i lower my head to hide y tears, “If i don’t make them pay then my mother died for nothing.”
Mihai pulls me onto his lap, laying my head on his chest as he strokes my hair, “Your mother died for love, it was her choice.” His voice is so soft, so gentle. “I don’t think she’d want you to consume your mind with hate like this.”
“They need to pay for what they have done.” I snap, trying to wriggle free. “And I'm going to be the one who kills them all.”
The Nati holds me in place, “You aren’t thinking clearly right now, and that is dangerous.” He grabs my chin, making me look at him, “I promise you that they will pay for what they have done, but running into hunters without knowing what you are capable of is only going to get you killed.”
I want to argue, i want to scream and shout at him and tell him that he is wrong, but i can’t. I can’t because he is right.
My body is changing faster than i can keep up, and some days i can’t even move without being crippled with pain, all because my body is preparing to live an eternity.
The closer i get to my birthday, the worse it will be, until i am completely changed.
But i don’t want to change. I want to stay as i am.
I collapse against him, too tired to fight, “Why is this happening to me?”
“All young Nati must go through something similar, and it is never pleasant.” Mihai sighs, standing with me in his arms. “It will be much worse for you because you are half human, and the human body can only handle so much.”
“Will i be burned by the sun?” i ask, staring at the closed curtain as he carries me into the bedroom.
I am so used to being awake at night that i almost forgot the sun even existed. Will i ever see it again?
I used to like it when i tanned, my body always warm from the heat. I hate the coldness of the night.
I fucking hate this, i hate everything about it.
I don’t want to change.
“There is a chance that the sun will burn you.” He admits sadly, “But there is also a chance that it won’t. I have spoken to many who believe that you will be able to live life as you always have, there are benefits to being half human, just as there are downsides.”
I stare back at the window, wondering if i should test it out once the sun rises, but if it does burn me, it’ll only make my spiral into despair worse.
“You are worrying about the little things too much, Mae.” Mihai says rather coldly, laying me down on the bed. “You need to think about the advantages of being a Nati.”
“Don’t you think that this is hard for me, Mihai?” i shout, moving away from his touch as my anger flares, how dare he say that.
“I’m not saying that is isn’t hard.” He snaps back, “But you need to accept what you are.”
“I’m trying to!” i scream, jumping to my feet as i tremble with rage. “All of my life i have been taught to fight and kill Nati, and now i find out that i am one of you and everything changes.” I pant for breath, “You have turned my whole world upside down.”
“I have done nothing but try and help you!” shouts the Nati, his own rage spiralling out of control.
I scream in frustration, scraping my nails down my face. “I never asked for your help!”
Mihai's eyes widen for a split second, his anger blowing out of him with a single intake of breath, “I know you didn’t ask for my help, Mae, but i wanted to do anything i could to make this easier on you.” He holds out his hands in surrender, “If you want me to leave, i will, but know that i will come back should you call for me.”
I turn my head away to hide my tears, “You can go.”
Why does he have to make this so hard? Can he not see how much this hurts me too?
I hear the door click shut, and i turn, wanting desperately to call him back and let him hold me the way that he always does when i am upset. But i can’t.
I've hurt him, he needs time alone, and so do i.
I have to consider whether we are right for each other, did i accept him into my bed because i was trying to rebel against my father? Or was it something more?
Right now, i have no idea why i chose to stay, but i do know that i care for him. Even through the rage i know that i care.
But i don’t know if my heart can take it right now, there is so much that is changing and I'm not sure that i can handle any of it, even with his help.
I lay down on the bed, wishing that my mother was here to help me. She'd know what to do, she always did.
But she isn’t here, I'm alone, and the decisions i have to make lie on my shoulders, i can’t hurt anyone else.
But i also can’t do this alone.