Chapter 72

Garne brings me some bacon and toast, with a glass of orange juice and a glass of what looks like blood, something i am not looking forward to. But i know i have to have it. Even if i don’t want it. I'm a Nati now, and that means that i have to live by their rules. Even the ones i don’t agree with.
I take the tray form him, still sat on Mihai’s lap, and i smile, “I like that you are both here, you are the only people i have close enough to me right now.” I sigh a little, “I guess you are the only family i have.”
“That isn’t very nice when your father is standing right here.” Comes a new voice, the voice of Luthor.
I groan, hiding my face, great, just what i need. Him. I understand that he wants to connect with me and be a family, but i don’t know if i am ready for that. I don’t know if i want that.
I just lost my brother, and the man that raised me from a small child, the man who i thought was my father. My entire life has gone upside down, and he is too pushy with me.
Far too fucking pushy.
“You aren’t family.” i snap, finally gaining the courage to, “Not yet.”
“That is because you won’t allow me to be, Mae, i have tried and tried to make you more comfortable around me, but you just aren’t helping me. Not at all.” He pinches his nose, “If you would just give me a chance, i can be a good father to you.”
I groan, almost screaming in frustration. “I had a father, and i found out that he lied to me for my entire life, i don’t need another one.”
He just doesn’t get it. He doesn’t listen. Just like Nathanial.
Am i invisible or something? Do my words not mean a goddamn thing?
Ugh, i hate him. I hate them both.
“Then how about a friend?” Luthor eventually says, his voice soft, “We can work on the father and daughter relationship later, so how about i just be your friend for now?”
I stare at him, trying to figure out whether he is joking or not. He was so dead set on us being a family. What changed his mind?
“I think it’s a good idea.” Garne says, looking at me. “You need friends, now more than ever.”
Luthor kneels on the ground in front of me, “there would be no pressure on you to do anything or be anything, all you have to do is be yourself around me, and eventually, we will bond, on our own time.” he smiles, “I think it’s a good idea, and then you won’t be worried about trying to impress me or do as i ask. It's a choice, Mae, not a forced relationship.”
I turn and look at Mihai, and he nods at me, showing me that he agrees, they all agree.
It's like they have all made the decision together, but this time, i am included.
And Luthor is right, i won’t have to worry that i am not doing it right, it would be casual, friends. Nothing else.
I don’t have to worry that i will disappoint him, or anyone else.
I don’t have to worry that I'm not strong enough, or good enough. I can just be myself.
“Ok.” I say, smiling at him, and helping him back to his feet, “We can be friends, for now, and work on the rest later, together.”
Luthor smiles, and it is the biggest smile i have ever seen form him, bigger than when he talks about my mother and their time together.
He looks happy, and that alone brings a smile to my face.
Luthor pulls up a chair from the other side of the porch, sitting down with me and the other’s, all of us comfortable in each other’s company.
I look out at the setting sun, wondering what another night will bring, but i am not worried, i have the best people around me, and even if i fall again, i know that they will be there to piece me back together again. Even if i don’t particularly want it.
Because that is what family does.
They don’t judge, they don’t bully, they support and protect. Even when things get hard.
It's exactly what i need.
I dig into the food Garne brought, scoffing it all down within minutes, and then devouring the fresh orange juice. I stare at the blood, but i don’t know if i can drink it. Every fibre in my body is screaming that it is wrong. That i am a monster.
And it is all because of who i grew up around, if i had been raised with Luthor, i would have a different view of it all.
I would be different.
“Drink it, Mae, it’ll give you strength.” Luthor says, but not in a pushy way.
More like a suggestion that a command.
I sigh, holding my nose and swallowing down the thick liquid. I gag, choking on it, but i manage to keep it down. For now.
Mihai rubs my back, “Well done, love.”
Garne smiles, “It gets easier, i promise.”
“It better, otherwise i am going to be a pretty shitty Nati.” I joke, smiling.
I might smile on the outside, but deep within my chest there is a pain i can’t shake, the pain and guilt of what i did to Sean so that i could survive.
Did i deserve to survive? Or did he?
I'm not sure what the answer is, i may never be sure, but right now, i have those i care about supporting me, and that is enough.
It has to be.