A Different Dream

Fahmeen's POV:

*I was dreaming, I knew it. The sky was too blue, grass too green. Life isn't so beautiful.*

*I'm holding her hand and walking down the street. I knew how this would end so I hold her a little tighter. Willow looks up at me. Her hair has grown down to the small of her back. She was stubborn like her parents and didn't let me trim it.*

*"Are we going to see daddy?"
My heart hurt as she said that. Yes, we were. That's what hurt.
"Yes baby."
"Will Archie be there?" She beams, eyes hopeful for a yes. They were the best of friends.
"Yes."
But then the tone of her voice sinks lower.
"Will Jessie?"
We stand outside of her Father's house now. The sky doesn't look so blue anymore.
"Of course."*

...

*I take a deep breath as it never gets easier.
"Come on, sweetheart." I feel like I'm holding onto her little hand as she leads us to the giant front door. She knocks too because I can't. Especially as it used to be ours.*

*The door opens to reveal Jessie and their newest arrival, clinging to her body.
"Hi! Here already." She grins, looking between me and my daughter. Okay, I don't think I can do this.
"I need to get going."
Jessie takes the weekend bag from me and stands aside for Willow to enter.
"So soon? I just served lunch, please stay."
My stomach turns imagining the scenario, no thanks.*

*"Please mummy?"
I look at my child and she's pleading me with her beautiful eyes. I stroke her little face and my heart gives in.
"Okay."*

*Jessie leads us to the dining room and I don't see him yet. Archie runs up to Willow and grabs her into a hug. I could only smile at them two. Their bond was solid and pure.
"Hey Arch."
"Hi Fahmeen." He smiles and takes Willow's hand, walking to the dining table. I'm the last to enter the dining room because I really didn't want to be there. I see a lovely spread of food. But I really wasn't hungry. And then I see him. Sitting at the head of the table and our eyes meet. The world pauses during this moment and I could almost forget the sickening feeling in my stomach as memories haunt my mind.
Memories of when we were still married.*

*I awake in cold sweat, yet again. My heart thundering inside of my chest and stomach flipping so aggressively I need to turn it inside out. I'm quick to pull away from the covers and my sleeping Rolf to find the bathroom in the dark. It's pre dawn as I vomit into the toilet. I feel like passing out but I hold on, not wanting to end up face down into the toilet.*

That dream was different. Nor did it feel finished. I don't know whether to feel relieved or scared as Willow didn't die in this one but I lost her father. Life was coming at me fast and it looks like I'm not really prepared. On that thought, my stomach empties out last night's dinner.

My dreams are telling me something, I'm sure of it. Something bad is going to happen. Something really bad.

...

*Mum: I hope you're okay. I love you.*

My mouth stays open in shock. I can't believe it. Suddenly I feel hot heavy tears lining my eyes, desperate to spill. I clutch my phone to my chest in pure relief. I don't feel so nauseous anymore but a little lighter. As maybe things were getting better?

One step at a time.

...

Fahmeen's POV:

(F) I'm coming over.
(S) Okay :) but mum's home.
💬
(F) I know.

...

"Where are you going?" His deep morning voice rumbles from the covers while I slip on my shoes. I'm sitting on the bed doing so, trying to ignore his prominent morning wood.
"It's so early baby, and a Saturday." He's closer now. Rolf pulls me down and traps me with his body on the bed. I huff and blow my hair away from my face.
"I'm going to see mum."

I feel his body freeze. He holds himself above me and watches my face.
"Are you sure about this?"
He ventures down to my stomach and lays there, stroking it.
"She text me, she finally text me so I have to see her. This is good, right?"
He looks up at me, his smile is everything.
"Very."

...

I nervously knock on the door and look back at Rolf waiting for me in the car. He has the engine still running. I think he's prepared in case things go wrong.
My heart accelerates as I hear the door handle turn. I look back at him again and he mouths I love you. I smile at him and face the door, waiting to see my mother in what feels like many years.

The door opens and there she is. This is not a dream. She really is there with an expression that doesn't say she hates me.
I don't know what to say but my face just breaks into a smile. She reciprocates and I go to hug her. I relax feeling her arms wrap around me as I know she doesn't like a lot of physical contact. But she allows this and I'm content.

"He can come inside." She says softly, and I believe her. But I want it to just be the two of us for now.
"He's got stuff to do. I think he can come a little later." I turn back and he must realise it's going good so far as I can see his big chest exhale. We watch him drive off and I then follow my mother inside.

...

We sit in the kitchen and I watch her make us mugs of fresh coffee. She places one of my old mugs in front of me filled with black coffee. Just how I like it.
"Thanks."

She joins me on the bar with her own cup and we enjoy this silence. This peaceful silence between us.

I'm the one to break it.

"I'm happy you text."

She sighs and puts her mug down.
"How can I not? You're my child."
I can see tiredness in her eyes. It's hurting me to see it.
"I'm sorry it wasn't me." Shame runs through my body for leaving it this long. I should've started our healing, it was my fault we fell apart.
"I'm your mother, it's my duty." Her hand falls on top of mine. I breathe in my first full air of relief in a long while, being in her presence.
I ask the one question I've been screaming in my own mind for the last couple of months.

"Can you forgive me?"
I let my tears fall and I have to look away. I lean my head on the counter, missing my family. Pained at what I've caused my mother whilst I've been distracting myself. This wasn't fair on her. On any of them.
She hugs my body and leans her head on mine.
"There's nothing to forgive."

...

*(F) Come over baby.*

I'm in the living room, and we're all eating dinner. Mum made spaghetti and meatballs (one of my favourites) and we're watching some old movie. Sam and Adrian are here too but Jay isn't. Apparently, he was busy with a friend in need, as Adrian said.

I sneak glances at my favourite ship.
Adrian made sure to sit on the same sofa as my sister and she made sure to show just how much she didn't like that. I don't think she fooled anyone. My mum seems pretty supportive of Adrian's advances. As much as I love it, it's so funny watching my sister get uncomfortable. As in, it's hilarious. I have to hide my tears and disguise my coughing fits during the running of the film.

"Are you okay, Fahmeen?" My sister asks me. She looks suspicious but I just nod and Adrian catches my eye. He winks at me and attempts to rest his arm behind Sam's head. I shake my head at him as that was an awful attempt. He shrugs, looking pleased with himself. Sam finds the two of us exchanging silly faces and she narrows her eyes at me and him. Adrian goes red and immediately averts his eyes, settling for the movie. I follow his lead and I hear her sigh.

There's a knock on the door.
"I'll get-
"No, I will." My mother stands up before me and gives me a reassuring smile. We all watch her leave the room. I look at the other two nervously. Sam comes and sits next to me. Adrian smiles my way and then his eyes look behind me.

We can hear them talking. No one's screaming yet.
Adrian gives me a thumbs up.
"Hey man." He stands and walks towards, who I assume is Rolf. I hear him behind me.
"Hey." They shake hands as I know they haven't met before. As they exchange pleasantries, I look out for mum. She's watching them, watching him with a soft smile.

Mum fixes him a big plate of food and he joins our movie marathon. We sit next to each other and he boldly kisses my cheek. I cuddle next to him after I catch my mother's secret smile toward us.

That bad feeling feels so far away now.