Grief

Fahmeen's POV:

I don't know if this makes me some kind of monster but I didn't want to see my baby anymore. Still, lifeless and cold like that. They brought her to me but I looked away. My eyes refused to capture her image. Imprint her dead body. I'm lying here still, wandering where Rolf was. My heart feels cold, slow and erratic. I kinda wish it would stop.

God, this pain is too much.
Funeral arrangements, pitiful stares and an empty womb. That's what I have to look forward to but I'm not ready. I need Rolf.
"Please come back." I whisper, unsure of who I'm saying it to.

Just like that the door opens and he walks through. He purposefully strides towards me and I can see his blotchy skin, puffy eyes and bruised knuckles. I wish he didn't take this out on himself. Rolf says nothing but hugs my body tight as I lay here. My body desperately shares little warmth he has and we stay like this for a while. He eventually climbs on top of me and I tuck him underneath the covers, cradling his head and he begins crying into my neck.

...

"I called your mom, she'll be here soon." He sniffles and now we face each other. I bring my hand to his face and he momentarily shuts his eyes as I wipe away the wetness.
"Thank you." I say and I kiss his forehead. Unity at a time like this is essential, I couldn't lose him. Anyone but him.

"Are you in pain?" His croaky voice cuts the silence yet again. I'm unsure of how to answer and thankfully he gets that.
"I'm so sorry." He repeats. I don't like him apologising. For this. For any of this.
"Please stop apologising, Rolf."
"This isn't your fault!" I couldn't control my outburst and my body shakes as I sob. His arms wrap around me and instead I cry into his body, staining him with my tears this time. It feels like a lifetime of sorrow as we share this sacred, delicate moment between us. Uninterrupted, until I hear his words before I fall asleep:
"God, why did this happen to us?"

...

Mum, Sam, Jay, Georgia, Aunt Penelope and Adrian all came to the hospital over the next few days. Few words were spoken. Any that were were hushed and kept away from me, I noticed. Rolf was keeping himself busy making the necessary arrangements and calls as his own family were oblivious until he'd let them know. I think this is what was making it a thousand times worse for him, it's having his entire family half a world away.

I've been kept in the hospital for a few days just to double check I was fine after they separated me and Willow. Willow. I feel for her and all that's left is a swollen womb. Empty. I wince as that pain cuts through me again. Lungs feel tight and I can barely breathe. I'm accompanied by my mother today. I've hardly left this bed other than to shower and shit. It all feels pointless.

She's reading a magazine. The sun is shining through the bay window of this room. I've witnessed my mother experience some horrific things but I never could have prepared myself for when our eyes met the moment she burst through the door. Her eyes were strawberry red and I wept like a baby as she silently held me. I could feel her body tremble. It was nothing I'd ever want to go through again. I'd make that prayer every night if I had to.

I knew my siblings were struggling with the loss of their niece. That's why they were keen to accompany Rolf on his errands. They all needed to keep busy.
"I'm going to get us some lunch, okay? The others should be back soon, won't be long." I gratefully nod at my mother as she squeezes my hand, before leaving me.

It wasn't a moment to myself, which I was grateful for, before he came back, alone. I couldn't smile and neither did he but he came and sat close to me. Rolf takes my hand in his and looks intensely into my eyes.
"I'm taking us to see my family. We'll be there by tomorrow."

So we're travelling to America? I couldn't argue as I didn't know what to do with myself. So I'm leaving it up to him.

Please take care of me, Rolf.

...

Fahmeen's POV:

It was the day. The day we lay our baby beneath our feet. Little things were killing me. Like how she never got to see the sunlight, or feel it. She never saw our faces or grew to her full term before leaving on her own. She died in there. In the dark, all alone. It's funny what the man with no face was trying to tell me all along.

It was me. Not my father or anyone else. The person who killed her was me. All these dreams and what did I do but sit back and wait till it all happened. And just like that she was gone.

Sam helped me dress into something white. We wear white at funerals.
"I'm glad he's taking you away. I think you both need this." She tells me, brushing my hair away. I stare at her though the vanity mirror, meeting her worried expression. I nod, both because I don't know what to say but I agree too.

There's a soft knock and we both wait for the person to speak.
"It's me."
I recognise his voice. It's like a beast coaxing his beauty. Afraid to startle her but you recognise his sheer strength in every word. As he turns the door handle, Sam pats my shoulder and makes her way out.

I can feel him watch me through the mirror as he approaches me. He smells freshly showered, clean. Rolf picks me up and sits where I just was, placing me on his lap. He gently brushes away the hair around my neck, and starts kissing me there.
"When do we go?"
I still don't look up, even though his kisses are slow and he softly sucks the skin.
"Tonight, the flight is at half 8."
I sigh, feeling lighter at the thought of leaving this land that will have buried my daughter.
"Good."

Rolf tilts my chin up and now I meet him eye to eye. I softly moan as he strokes my face, watching me. I can't help but lean into his hand, like a cat.
"We will get through this. I will be your strength as you are mine." He brings our faces together, foreheads touching and my tears start again.
"Be strong for me, baby."
He grips me as I hug his huge body, lost to a desperate, mournful cry. I hear his sharp intake of breath, as he tries not to himself.
"I promise- I promise Rolf. I'll be strong, just like you."
Both his hands wrap themselves tight around my bodice, and I feel his body tremble with his own cries. I hope this was a road to healing, and this funeral will be the beginning of that.

...

I thank God it didn't rain. The large willow tree that was picked would shade her whenever the sun gets too harsh. I smile a little, I guess the mother in me will never go away. Everyone that mattered to me was here and that's all I could ask for. Me and Rolf stand close together, I hold his hand just as tightly as he holds mine. We watch my mother walk forward to the bark of the tree. She, in between her silent tears, places the wooden willow from Rolf as a makeshift tombstone. We didn't want any names or pictures.

"Who would like to go first?" Sam says. I catch her eye and step forward. I feel Rolf hold me tighter and so I begin my unprepared speech.
"My baby girl. As your mother, I find myself unable to put into words just how much I have loved you since the moment you were created. It was short, cut too soon, darling but you'll always be my first born. I think for the rest of my life I'll stroke my belly as if you'll be there." My hand covers my my sob and I feel Rolf knead the back of my neck, whispering words of support.
"And that's okay, because you never quite left, have you? You're here and always will be, Willow. I love you, more than life itself."

...

We all came back to mum's place and she prepared a homely dinner before we had to leave. Bags were already packed and I guessed that was all sorted during the funeral arrangements. I feel peaceful now that she was buried. It was all rather quick, but I feel better. Sitting here as I watch my family, it feels better. Rolf shares a look with me and squeezes my hand underneath the table. He then brings it up and kisses it. I dish everyone platefuls of mum's roast chicken and potatoes. I hear my stomach rumble and it's quite loud, it makes everyone laugh.

"It was a beautiful ceremony. I couldn't have imagined it better." Adrian says, as I pass him his plate. His affectionate eyes bore into mine.
"It was how it should have been." My brother offers and he shares a look with Georgia, who still hasn't lost the red, teary eyes. She has deep, dark circles underneath them and whenever we're alone we don't really speak but just embrace in a way only we understand.

...

"Ready?"
He offers me his hand, with a bag on his shoulder and taxi behind him. I take one last look at everyone waving us off. I give them a grateful smile, we were truly blessed to have them around us at a time like this. I turn back around and he warmly smiles at me as I take his hand.
"Yes, I'm ready."