Dolore

Fahmeen's POV:

I stare at my bag after finishing filling it up a few hours earlier. I've been sitting on our bed staring at it, thinking about what I really want. What I want more than anything is peace and happiness like anyone else, and that's Rolf. But he's not here. Not with me. Not anymore.

I'll wait for him till he learns to let go of his first love as the idea of losing mine kills me. I love him so much it's ripping me apart sitting here like this. My eyes are swollen and so I won't be able to hide my tears from anyone. My ring catches my attention and so I gaze at it. Those three little gems. The three of us. I promise to myself once it's just the three of us again, I will come back. Once he chooses us over her, we'll come back.

The front door opens and my nervousness spikes. I feel sick.
"Fahmeen?"
As I don't respond, he searches for me till he opens the bedroom door and finds me here.
"Hey ba-
His eyes stop at my bag and they look back at me. I can't stop them so my tears start to fall.
"What are you..."
I have to look down, his eyes are wide and scared.
"No." He whispers and I hear his hurried footsteps as approaches me.
"No baby. No. Don't do this." He crouches in front of me and my cry is loud and I can't hold it back. I let him hug me to his chest and I bury my face there, soothing this pain with his scent.

"I have to. I have to do this."
His hold tightens.
"No, you don't. You don't have to leave me." His voice is breaking and so am I. He holds my face and makes me look at him. His cheeks are unashamedly wet with tears.
"Please don't leave me."
I sob, hating this pain between us. It's agonising and worse than anything physical I've ever felt.

"I have no choice. You've given me no choice." I move away from his hands, feeling angrier now.
"As long as she is in your life, I won't be."
I stand up and he stays in the same position, eyes unfocused as he thinks over what I just said.
"This is what it's about? Jessie?" He shakes his head.
"Why would you worry about something like that? There's nothing between us."
"Oh really? You expect me to believe that!"
We stand opposite each other and we're both breathing heavy.
His eyes tell me they're confused and frustrated.

"You think it's nothing the way she looks at you. And the way you stare at her? Or the way you choose to spend time with her but come home to me because I live and go to school with you? You choose her. Over me."
I show him my ring.
"Over this." His eyes fall to my hand and they soften.
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
"This is not about how I feel. It's about what you've done! What you've allowed to happen." He turns away as if he can't bear to hear my words.
I walk up to him.
"You let her in here." I place my hand where is heart would be, it's thumping harshly.
"Where it was supposed to be just me. Was that too much to ask?"

He sighs, frustrated and roughly pulls at his hair.
"This isn't what's supposed to happen. I love you, Fahmeen. You, nobody else. Please believe that." His hand strokes my cheek and I, for a moment savour the touch. The security.
"I will when you do."

And then I leave, and he doesn't stop me.

...


It's late evening as I knock on the door. Someone opens it up and it's my brother.
"Hey, what-
He sees my bag and his face quickly transforms to concern and anger.
"What's happened?" He makes way for me to come inside and takes my bag for me.
"I need to come home for a while. It's not working out for us, Jay."
I start crying and he seems lost for a moment. Then he grabs me into a hug.
"Did he hurt you?"

"Not the way you think. Rolf would never lay his hands on me." I hear his heavy sigh of relief and he pulls away to watch my face.
"Do you want to talk about it now?"
Do I? I feel vibration from the inside of my jacket and know it's Rolf. So desperately do I want to answer his calls. Read his texts. They've been growing more frantic throughout my cab ride. As I stand here, cold and afraid they start back up again.

"No, I just need to rest." I rub my lower back as it's been aching again and head towards the secret garden.

I see two bodies out there already. It's dark and I can't see their faces but I already know who they are. A slither of happiness in a sorrowful night. Melancholy sets in as I watch the two. Adrian's fooling around making my sister laugh. I smile watching their stroll around the garden, lit lanterns illuminating pathways for them. I've yet to open the French doors and find myself unable to as I dare not disturb their moment. I pray it's the first of many.

"He's good for her." Jay speaks from suddenly beside me. His hand holds my shoulder as he stares out into the night. Sam is playing around with her hair and I know she's nervous and excited. Warmth fills me as I know what that means. It means she's letting him in.

"They're meant to be together." I blink away my tears, dispelling Rolf's sad face from my mind. My heart hurts.
"How do you know?"
I play with my ring, twisting it around my finger.
"You just know." I shrug. Suddenly tiredness overcomes me and I am hardly able to keep my eyes open.

Jay notices.
"Go to bed. Nothing's changed. I'll let everyone know you're here."
I smile gratefully at my brother and he keeps hold of my bag. I assume he's planning on bringing it up for me. As I walk up the stairs to my old bedroom, I stroke Willow and feel her moving inside of me. She's the only way I'd get some sleep tonight.

...

Rolf's POV:

I see the light switch off and my heart finds some relief in knowing she's safe. They're both are. I couldn't help but follow her cab, no way was I letting her go out alone in the night. Because of me. Because of what I've done. My head smacks the seat rest as I lean back in my car. I'm restless, needing to release some of this anger, pain, separation. My family's there and I'm here, how is that right?

"Fuck. Fuck!" I punch the steering wheel once and then a few more times before settling down again. My chest heaving, mind running a hundred miles an hour. I'm going to fix this. I'm going to get her back.

Jessie's POV:

"You've been acting strange." I say over dinner. Jasper looks up at me, our eyes meet and I think that's the first time today.
"Strange how?" He wipes his mouth with the napkin and sits back. Archie's in bed and it's just the two of us having a late supper.
"Distracted. More than usual." I roll my eyes.

This has to be our first proper conversation in a long while, without Archie here.
"Maybe it's you." He picks up his fork and starts eating again. His arms move in fluid motion, I see the lines of his biceps under the ceiling light. An ex soldier boy always retained their sculpted body. It was one of the things I always loved about my husband. Lately I think it's the only thing.

"No, it's definitely you." I take my glass of wine and lean back in my chair, watching. Jasper huffs, clearly irritated and stops eating again and stares at me.
"Just say what you want to say and we can finish this half assed attempt at a normal dinner."
"Alright. You're seeing someone."
Jasper's eyes turn cold really quick.
"Is that right? Do I get a say in this?"
"I can tell, honey. You've changed. It's always because of a woman." I feel smug as his eyes slightly widen.

"You're talking bullshit. I'm going to bed." He throws his napkin on his unfinished plate and stands up.
"Not so fast. Can I at least know her name?" I join him standing now.
"What about you? I needn't bother asking his name as I know."
I grow suddenly nervous. He can't be referring to...
"Rolf."
He crosses his arms and there's a smirk on his face. Look at this, we're accusing each other of cheating like it's a game.
"I haven't spread my legs for our friend since college. Besides, Rolf keeps busy with that student of his." I keep my tongue from saying her name.
I see Jasper tense and narrow his eyes at me.
"This conversation ends here. Goodnight."

My insides are raging as I watch him go upstairs.
"I want a divorce!" I yell at him before sipping from my glass. He only sighs and doesn't stop walking till he reaches the bedroom.
I raise my glass to no one in particular.
"Here's to happy families."