I can't feel me

It had been days since I last saw Sebastian or even exchanged a word with him. I had reverted from my cheerful self to a downcast, negative person who barely cared about anything anymore. The compound felt colder, more suffocating, as I drifted through each day like a ghost. My smiles had faded into nothingness, and the light that once flickered in my eyes was now extinguished.

I spent most of my time in the dorm, avoiding interactions with the other girls. I couldn’t bring myself to engage in their conversations, their idle chatter about trivial things. Nothing mattered anymore. My world had shrunk to the size of my pain, and it was all I could see.

One evening, as I sat on my bed, staring blankly at the wall, Sofia entered the room. "Ariella," she called softly, her voice hesitant.

I looked up, my expression void of any emotion. "What is it?" I asked, my voice flat.

"Sebastian wants to see you," she said, her eyes searching mine for any sign of life.

For a brief moment, a flicker of happiness ignited within me, but I quickly buried it. How could I still feel this way? How could I still want to see him after everything? I hated myself for the small surge of hope that rose in my chest. I was nothing but a servant, a tool for his pleasure. I had no right to feel anything else.

"Alright," I replied, standing up slowly. I felt a dull ache in my chest as I walked out of the room, each step heavy with the weight of my thoughts.

The hallway seemed longer than usual, the air thick with an oppressive silence. My footsteps echoed softly against the stone floor as I made my way to Sebastian’s room. My heart was pounding, not with excitement or fear, but with a hollow sense of inevitability. I had learned to expect nothing from him, and yet the small, traitorous part of me still longed for something more.

When I reached the door, I hesitated for a brief moment, gathering whatever remained of my resolve before pushing it open. The room was dimly lit, the heavy curtains drawn, casting a shadow over everything. I stepped inside, closing the door behind me. Sebastian stood by the window, his back to me, the muscles in his shoulders tense.

I waited, my hands clasped in front of me, as I had been trained to do. I waited for his command, for some indication of what he wanted from me this time. The silence stretched out between us, growing heavier with each passing second.

Finally, he turned to face me, his expression unreadable. His eyes were cold, devoid of the warmth I had once seen in them. My heart sank further into the abyss of despair that had become my constant companion.

He approached me, and without a word, he grabbed me roughly by the waist and pulled me into a kiss. There was no tenderness in it, no affection—only raw, unbridled lust. His lips were harsh against mine, his hands demanding as they roamed over my body.

I didn’t resist. I never resisted anymore. I had learned that there was no point in fighting him, no point in hoping for something different. I surrendered myself to the moment, letting him take what he wanted, just as he always did.

As the intensity of the encounter grew, I felt a strange sensation around my wrists. It wasn’t until I tried to move my hands that I realized they were bound. Cold metal encircled my wrists, and I tugged against the restraints in confusion. Panic surged through me as I struggled to free myself, but the handcuffs held me in place.

Sebastian noticed my struggle, and without a word, he spanked me hard. The sudden pain sent shockwaves through my body, and I gasped, the sound muffled against the sheets. He spanked me again, harder this time, and I bit down on my lip to keep from crying out.

What had started as pleasure had quickly turned into pain, and from pain, it became torture. With each strike, the tears that I had tried to hold back began to flow freely. My body trembled, and I felt myself breaking, piece by piece, under his relentless assault.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Sebastian reached his climax. He pulled away from me, leaving me lying there, broken and defeated. My wrists ached from the strain of the handcuffs, my skin burning from the impact of his hands.

I lay there, motionless, too exhausted to move, too numb to think. The room was eerily silent, the only sound the faint rustling of the sheets as I tried to steady my breathing.

"Leave," he ordered, his voice cold and devoid of emotion.

The command jolted me back to reality, and I scrambled to my feet, my hands still bound behind me. As I stood there, the reality of what had just happened crashed over me like a tidal wave. I had been used, degraded, and tossed aside like nothing. My heart felt like it was being torn apart, and I couldn’t stop the tears from spilling down my cheeks.

A choked sob escaped my lips before I could stop it, and Sebastian’s gaze snapped to me. The tears fell freely now, each one a testament to my broken spirit. I was shattered, reduced to nothing but a hollow shell of who I once was.

I quickly calmed myself, wiping away the tears with the back of my hand as best as I could. I couldn’t let him see me like this, couldn’t let him know how deeply he had hurt me. I was nothing to him, and I needed to remember that.

Silently, I dressed, covering the red, angry welts on my skin with the long sleeves of my dress. I adjusted the fabric, making sure no part of my scarred body was visible. The pain was still there, but I forced it to the back of my mind, burying it deep within where it couldn’t reach me.

Without another word, I left the room, closing the door softly behind me. The hallway felt even longer now, each step dragging me further into the darkness that threatened to consume me. I kept my head down, not wanting to meet anyone’s gaze as I made my way back to the dorm.

When I entered the dorm, the other girls were still busy with their tasks. I forced a smile, pretending like nothing had happened, like I hadn’t just been broken all over again. The long sleeves of my dress hid the evidence of my torment, and I kept my movements slow and deliberate, so as not to draw attention to myself.

I walked to my bed and sat down, my body feeling heavy and drained. The fake smile I had plastered on my face faded as I lay down, pulling the thin blanket over me. I curled up on my side, my hands clutching the fabric tightly, as if it could somehow hold me together.

No words came to mind, no thoughts that could ease the pain. I was nothing more than a servant, a slave. I had no right to feel anything more, no right to hope for anything better. My love for Sebastian was a curse, one that would inevitably destroy me.

I stared at the wall, the darkness of the room mirroring the emptiness I felt inside. There was nothing left for me here, nothing to live for. This was my life now, and I had no choice but to accept it.

The tears came again, but this time I didn’t try to stop them. I let them fall, each one a release of the pain that had built up inside me. But even as I cried, I knew that it wouldn’t change anything. The pain would still be there, and tomorrow would bring more of the same.

I closed my eyes, letting the exhaustion take over. Sleep was the only escape I had left, the only place where I could forget, if only for a little while. As I drifted off, the last thought that crossed my mind was a bitter one.

I am nothing. I am broken. And I am alone.

And with that, I fell into a restless, dreamless sleep, the weight of my sorrow pressing down on me like a suffocating blanket.