I'm loosing me.

It had been two weeks since Sebastian had started calling me to his room more frequently—7 times in total. Every time I answered his summons, I found myself returning with fresh wounds, both physical and emotional. Each encounter left me more drained than the last, and the pain was no longer something I could brush off.

The first time, it was passionate at first. He drew me in with a kiss, deep and intense, making me believe, just for a moment, that there was something more. But then, he pulled me into a world of pain, stretching me to limits I hadn’t known existed. I had been okay with it at first, even glad to explore new boundaries with him, but the pain had become unbearable. He spanked me harder than ever before, and though I wanted to scream, I stayed silent, taking it all in, not wanting to disappoint him.

The second time was worse. It was a stark reminder of the first time he ever laid a hand on me—when he spanked me with a small whip. The sting of that memory was as fresh as the marks he left on my skin. I couldn’t understand why he was doing this, but I still didn’t resist. The third time, and every time after that, brought new kinds of pain. Each visit felt like a descent into a darker place. I would return to my room feeling broken, and I was starting to look the part.

My once vibrant spirit was fading. I was losing weight, my skin had grown pale, and the dark circles under my eyes told the story of sleepless nights filled with silent tears. I barely recognized myself in the mirror anymore.

Sophia noticed the changes in me first. She confronted me, her eyes filled with concern. "Ariella, something is wrong. You need to tell me what it is," she urged.

But I couldn’t tell her the truth. How could I explain that the man I was hopelessly in love with was the source of my pain? "It's just... my family. I miss them," I lied, forcing a weak smile.

Sophia didn’t push further, but I could see the doubt in her eyes. She wanted to believe me, but she knew something deeper was wrong.

Raven wasn’t as easily convinced. She approached me later, her gaze piercing as always. "I don’t buy it," she said bluntly. "Something’s eating away at you, Ariella. You don’t have to tell me everything, but don’t lie to me."

Her words made my heart ache, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell her the whole truth either. "I’m just... worried about everything. I want to help Sebastian, but he’s been so distant, so cold. It feels like he’s slipping away, and I don’t know how to reach him," I admitted.

Raven’s expression softened, and she nodded in understanding. "He’s been like that for a while now. Work has him on edge. He’s been more aggressive, more ruthless. It’s like he’s channeling all his anger into the missions."

As we sat down to eat, Raven began to tell me about what had been happening on the battlefield. "Sebastian’s been pushing harder than ever before. There’s a mission coming up in three days, one that’s crucial for defending his territory. He’s been fighting to take back what was stolen from him after yet another betrayal. This mission is personal for him. He’s been relentless, almost cruel in how he’s handling things."

Her words painted a picture of a man on the edge. "Evander’s worried too," Raven continued. "He’s tried talking to Sebastian, but even he can’t get through to him right now. It’s like Sebastian has built this wall around himself, and no one can break it down."

I listened intently, my heart sinking further with each word. The Sebastian she described was a far cry from the man I had known—or thought I had known. This was a man driven by anger, consumed by his need for control. It terrified me, but at the same time, it made me want to help him even more.

"The mansion will be empty during the mission," Raven added. "It’ll just be the guards, the girls, and the workers here. No one of high status will be around. It’s a big deal, Ariella. Sebastian is taking this very seriously."

I nodded, absorbing the weight of her words. The thought of the mansion being so vulnerable, with Sebastian and the others gone, made me uneasy. But what scared me more was the idea of Sebastian out there, fighting a battle that was tearing him apart inside.

As the conversation drew to a close, Raven’s eyes met mine with a hint of sympathy. "Take care of yourself, Ariella. And if you ever need to talk, really talk, I’m here."

I forced a smile, though it didn’t reach my eyes. "Thank you, Raven."

That night, as I lay in bed, the weight of everything pressed down on me. The pain, the fear, the uncertainty—it was all too much. I thought of Sebastian, of the man he had become, and the tears I had been holding back all day finally fell. I cried for him, for the love I had for him that was slowly killing me, and for the woman I used to be before all of this.

Sleep didn’t come easily, and when it finally did, it was filled with nightmares of blood and betrayal. I woke up the next morning feeling more exhausted than before, but I knew I had to keep going. For Sebastian, for myself, and for whatever fragile hope I still had that things could get better.

I knew i was loosing myself, i wasnt me anymore but what can i do? i love.....sigh....what is love anyway? i never knew about it in the first place, I got betrayed by someone I thought I loved, what if, what if sabastian is like that?

"Fuck." I really am loosing myself, i really need to think straight because it's clear i am not okay, maybe I will...hold on, i will just smile through it, evenn though I knew that hope was slipping away, just like the man I loved.