Chapter 370
Jorick disappeared and Sadihra led her to the VIP room of the restaurant. Katelina ordered a sandwich and tried to think of polite conversation. It was Sadihra who finally spoke.
"What is Cyprus doing, siding with monsters? Does he understand who they are? The Children of Shadows were the most feared, hated-" She broke off. "It isn't like him. I know he is better than this. And now they've sent Wolfe after him. He'll kill Cyprus if Cyprus doesn't kill him first." She shook her head. "I suppose you think it's silly for me to worry like this? Wolfe is trained."
Katelina toyed with her glass. "No. If that was Jorick I'd be worried."
The waiter brought their meal and the vampiress sipped her blood. "It's hard sometimes, being a woman in this position. If I'm too soft then others say I'm unfit for duty, but if I'm too hard I'll fall back to the way I was for the last ten years; alone, angry, refusing to bend or listen. Those were the grayest years of my lifelooking at him but not touching, seeing the anger and hurt in his eyes and not speaking, watching him leave and not knowing if he'd come back and refusing to even tell him goodbye. After Cyprus I thought I must be that way, that it was my weaknessmy softnessthat caused it to happen, and if I was only strong, if I showed Wolfe how strong and how unbending I could be, then he'd see and he'd forgive me. But he was never unforgiving, only afraid, and I couldn't see it."
Katelina knew the story second-hand, but it was a good chance to get it from the source. "What happened?"
Sadihra finished her glass and poured another. "My sister Jilsenna and I were sent to Italy. Cyprus was a guard then, and pulled strings to get the assignment. Wolfe should've come too, but at the last moment they changed his orders. It was- It was a bloodbath. I watched Jilsenna die. There was nothing I could do. I was useless in my grief, but Cyprus got me out alive. When we got back to the Italian stronghold I called Wolfe. I-I needed to hear him, to have him dam up my grief so I could function, but he was gone. And Cyprus- Cyprus was there."
She closed her eyes and Katelina could almost feel her regret. "You think badly of him, and I don't blame you, but he isn't a monster. Inside he is sad, alone. He had a hard beginning and I understood that. We may be vampires but prejudices remain and it is not only humans who are regarded as lower. How many Scharfrichterinnen do you see? Like him I had to claw for my position, and because we understood one another we were sympathetic. His sympathies had turned to something else and I knew it. We all knew it. The men treated it as a joke, even as he spouted poetry to me in the lonely corridors and made excuses to touch my hand, my shoulder. It was never a joke to Cyprus; he meant what he said, and I should've seen that and stopped it once and for all. I refused his advances, of course, but perhaps I was never sincere enough, because though I told him to go, he never left. Maybe I somehow encouraged him. I loved Wolfe, I had loved Wolfe, but Cyprus- You can't deny he's beautiful."
Katelina made a noncommittal noise and wondered if she really wanted to hear the rest.
Something wistful shifted through Sadihra's eyes. "And he is kind, and passionate, and gentle. That night in Italy I cried in his arms until there were no tears left and when I pulled away, too embarrassed to look at him, too horrified at my own weakness, he told me not to be ashamed. He was so warm, so strong, and yet so tender and I-I yielded to him. First it was a kiss and then- It was wrong," she said quickly. "I knew it immediately afterwards, and I have regretted it since and yet-"
She cleared her throat and gave Katelina a "you understand what I mean" look, then went on, "After that I avoided Cyprus. He thought things would change between us, that Italy was a beginning, but it wasn't and I couldn't look him in the eyes and tell him so. I'd seen the ardor in his heart, seen how serious he really was, and I was too cowardly to destroy him. When we came home I confessed everything to Wolfe. Rage does not describe him. He broke things, he shouted, he punched a hole in the door, and then he stormed out. I had never seen such a display and I ran.
"Cyprus found me and when he tried to comfort me I pushed him away. I told him that I loved Wolfe, and that whatever had passed between us was a mistake. He refused to accept it. He said he had seen the truth in my eyes that night and he knew I cared for him. And maybe I did. In some way maybe I still do, but I love Wolfe more. Of course you've heard what happened next; Wolfe complained that Cyprus had taken advantage of me. Cyprus was dismissed and left in a fury and I blamed myself because it was not as Wolfe painted it to be. I was equally at fault, not a victim, but I was too ashamed of the weakness to admit it. Then Wolfe wanted me to quit the Scharfrichter. He was 'worried' and of course I thought he was worried that I would betray him again in a moment of vulnerability and things fell apart. I was determined to show him I wasn't weak; that I was strong and I became so inflexible that I forgot why I was trying to prove it in the first place."
Katelina had seen the end of their fight; when they'd reconciled and Wolfe had finally admitted he wasn't afraid Sadihra would cheat, but that she'd die as her sister had, and that was why he'd wanted her to quit.
Sadihra took another drink and sighed. "I'm sorry. You're probably not interested. I suppose I miss having a woman to speak with. We understand things better than men."
Katelina agreed quickly. Silence fell and she bit her lip and tried to phrase the question that had haunted her for weeks. Sadihra noticed and asked, "What?"
"Wolfe" Katelina started and stopped.
"You think he's a condescending asshole," Sadihra finished for her, and smiled. "I really do know what you mean. He appears rigid and cold. But that's only one of his faces. He can be kind and gentle, when we are alone. He has even been passionate."
Katelina couldn't picture Wolfe that way, and the images that crowded into her head made her happy not to.
"He presents a wall and hides his insecurities underneathhis sorrows, his fears, his little tragedies. But they're there, just like they are for everyone. And I miss him. I thought I would get a reprieve from worry, that I wouldn't have to stay here, too stubborn to call him and find out if he was all right. The men say 'You know this is part of the job.' And I do. But I'm tired of worrying. I've spent ten years doing it."
That was something Katelina understood. "I'm tired of worrying all the time, too."
Sadihra smiled. "Perhaps it's time we brought the men home and tied them to the kitchen sink where they would be safe?"
The thought of Jorick barefoot and in an apron stayed with Katelina the rest of the day.
