Chapter 88
Katelina leaned against the front door and closed her eyes, fighting for calm. She took a deep breath to clear her mind, as if she could. She pretended the air was clean, empty. Pushing out all the anger, the fear, the rage, the confusion. It was all too much, and she just needed away from it.
With another deep breath, she focused on the room, on the mess. She started to pick up the scattered books, but thought better of it. He'd made the mess, he could clean it up. The house was chilly, so she moved to the hearth and busied herself preparing a fire. She raked through the cold ashes but stopped when she found something metal. She dug it out to find that it was the silver cross from the bundle of letters: Velnya's cross.
She sat back on her haunches and stared at it, lying black and cold in her hand. What in the hell? Had he burned the letters? And if so, why? Why save them all these years only to destroy them now?
As if on cue, the door opened and Jorick strode through it. He stopped in the middle of the mess and stared at her, though it was more like he was staring through her. "Because I don't need them anymore," he answered flatly.
She turned her back to him and dumped logs in the fireplace, but she could feel his dark eyes boring uncomfortably into her back. "Why?" she finally asked, and added silently, "Don't you love her anymore?"
He made a low noise in his throat, like a sigh only more irritated. "It has nothing to do with her. It has to do with you."
"Me?" she demanded. A stab of annoyance prickled her, but it felt foreign, as though it didn't belong to her. It was a strange idea that she couldn't comprehend, so she tried to ignore it. "What about me?"
Jorick looked torn between sadness and irritation. "You still refuse to understand, don't you?"
"Understand what?" she cried in exasperation and stood to face him, hands on her hips. "You don't make any sense!"
He crossed the room to her, then cocked his head to one side and studied her. When he spoke, his voice was hurt and angry, "You didn't have to leave as easily as that."
His words caught her off guard and left her with nothing to say except, "What?"
"It took no convincing," he explained, his voice husky. "One word and you agreed. One sentence and you packed your bag. You even refused to sleep where you thought I'd be." His voice was raw and his eyes held pain that she'd never expected to see. "You didn't even tell me goodbye," he whispered. "Am I so terrible? Do I mean so little to you?"
She gaped at him, fumbling for words. "What- You- You didn't give me a chance! You stuffed the damn money in my hand and ran away."
"No, I didn't," he defended. "I went downstairs, where you could have followed. You chose not to." He stared at her accusingly. "I waited and when I came back upstairs you were already gone." His throat caught. "You didn't even bother to say goodbye. And then you left. Just like that." He snapped his fingers loudly. "You left!"
Katelina stared at him as though he'd been replaced by an alien. "You're mad because I left when you told me to? What should I have done? Yelled and screamed like an idiot? Chased you down and begged you not to send me away? Would that have been better?"
His tone was serious, "Yes, actually."
She almost laughed. "You're joking, right?" But the smile died on her lips when she saw his jaw tighten. "You're not joking?"
"No," he answered shortly. "I've been told I'm not very good at it." His eyes burned into her and she looked away, with nothing to say. When she stayed silent, he went on, "You didn't argue. Not a single objection." His voice echoed the pain in his eyes, "Do you want to go home so badly?"
Tears pressed behind her eyelids and she whispered, "You're an idiot."
"Am I?" His question held a double meaning that was lost on her.
"Yes, Jorick, you're an idiot," she repeated. The tears shone brightly in her eyes and threatened to spill down her cheeks. "You expected me to say, 'Please, don't send me away' after you ordered me to go? You expected me to beg you to reconsider when you'd broken my heart? You wanted me to leave!"
He cupped her face in his smooth hand, ending her tirade and drawing her eyes to his. "I never wanted you to leave," he whispered.
A single tear slipped down her cheek. "Then why did you tell me to?"
"I didn't." His thumb gently caught the errant tear and wiped it away. "I said you should leave, that I should never have involved you." He slipped his arm around her and pulled her so close that her face was in his. He swallowed hard and his eyes searched hers. "I never said that I wanted you to go."
Her heart pounded in her chest and the look in his deep eyes stole away her words. She took a trembling breath and forced her mouth to work, though her sentence was scarcely louder than a breath, "Then maybe you should try saying what you mean."
"I did say what I meant." His thumb absently traced her cheek as he went on. "I still think you should go." He stopped, as if waiting for her reaction.
The only word that rose to her mind was her standard, monosyllable reply, "Oh?"
"But I don't want you to," he whispered. He suddenly pulled her against him, so that the cold of his skin seeped through her clothes. He wadded the material of her shirt desperately as he buried his face against her neck and let her long golden hair shield him from the world.
She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. His familiar scent filled her with a mixture of peace and pain. And she clutched him tightly. Though, she tried not to cry, she couldn't stop. A soft sob escaped and she mumbled against him, "Then what do you want me to do?"
"I want you to stay." His lips moved against her neck. "I want you to want to stay."
Katelina pulled loose so she could look up into his face. She found herself drowning in his silky eyes; the dark depths pulled her under and erased the horrors that clung to her mind. "I want to stay," she whispered.
Before she could say anything else, he folded her against him and claimed her lips, kissing her as if he was afraid of ever letting her go.
