Chapter 52
Katelina sagged against Jorick, her fury spent. He waited, as if to make sure she wasn't going to hit him, then slid his arms around her again.
"I'm sorry," he whispered into her hair. "I'm sorry."
Her voice shook. "I know. It's all right. It wasn't really your fault. I just-" she broke off, unsure what she wanted to say. "I just need to- I don't know." She took a ragged breath. "I don't know what I need . . . to forget."
"Nothing is ever forgotten," Jorick whispered. "You only quit thinking about it."
"Then I need to quit thinking about it," she murmured. She pulled back and looked at Jorick hopefully. "You said you had influence. Can you-"
"No," he cut her off. "I can't make it go away. I can hold it at bay, but I can't erase it."
She sagged against him and buried her face against his chest. "Then what good is it? What good is any of it? What was the point?"
He didn't reply immediately, but when he did his voice was low. "You're alive, that's the point. I was too late to stop him completely, but I wasn't too late for that."
She supposed he was right. She was alive. Though he'd said nothing was forgotten, still the memories would fade. Right now this was the most devastating thing ever, but she supposed she'd eventually move on and have new things to worry about. After all, terrible things happened to people all over the world every day, and yet they kept on living. If they could do it so could she, couldn't she? Wasn't she as strong as anyone else? Bad things had happened to Sarah when she was a child, and she'd gone on to live a perfectly wonderful life - until it was taken away by Claudius.
The thought caused a fresh bought of sobs. Jorick held her while she cried for herself and her friend. He stroked her hair and murmured soft reassurances until her tears had dried. She felt drained, empty, and hopeless, like the dying beams of sunlight that were merging with the evening's coming darkness.
"Why did you call me?" she whispered suddenly. "Why am I in the middle of all of this?"
Jorick drew a slow breath and then answered in a quiet voice, "Because it was over."
She stirred enough to lift her head. "Over? What was over?"
"All of it. We were- finished. Patrick was dead, Claudius had abandoned his mansion for the time being, Arowenia was safely at Oren's and they wanted me to bring Michael there too, or just kill him. That house on the dead end road was our base of operations, but there were no operations anymore, not there anyway. I didn't have any reason to stay."
"So?"
He was slow in answering. "So, I had to go. I didn't - I didn't-" he cleared his throat in frustration. "I didn't mean for it to happen this way. I never meant for you to get trapped into anything. How was I supposed to know that Claudius had tracked Michael down? I never expected him to find us, or to send anyone. If I'd known I'd have never asked you there." His voice took on a pleading tone. "You have to believe that. I never wanted to put you in danger. I never wanted anything to happen-"
She nodded drowsily and laid her head against him. "I know," she murmured. "I know."
He stroked her hair and pressed his lips to the top of her head. "Oren's probably right. I should have just left it alone. You'd have been better off."
She shook her head. "No I wouldn't. He took Sarah. You said-"
"Yes, he took Sarah. Because Michael told him he saw you there, in the basement. If you'd never been there-" he trailed off into a heavy sigh.
"But-"
"There's no but. It's my fault, all right? I was being- selfish," he spat the word as if it were something infectious. "There was nothing else for me to do and no reason for me to stay there anymore. I only thought that if you met with me-" he broke off and ran a frustrated hand through his dark hair. "I don't know what I thought!"
Katelina closed her eyes and listened to the quiet rhythm of his heart beating. Part of her still wanted to be angry and scream at him, and he was giving her new material. But she was too tired. Not just tired physically, but tired in her mind and her soul. She just needed a break, just a few hours of quiet and peace. She'd had too many weeks of nauseating tension; ever since she'd found Patrick dead. Right now she just needed a moment.
Neither of them spoke for several minutes until she finally said softly, "It doesn't matter."
Jorick sighed and tightened his arm around her. "What's done is done," he agreed quietly. "The past cannot be changed."
"If you could, though, would you really not call me?"
She expected him to take some time to think, but he answered right away. "Truthfully? No, I'd still call you. I'm no saint, Katelina. I may have good intentions but I'm not really a martyr."
She nodded to herself, satisfied. "I didn't think so." They were both quiet a moment and then she asked, "But why me?"
"What?" he asked with surprise.
"Why me? I mean I'm nothing great. Everyone tells me how mediocre I am and how disappointed they are - and they're right. I'm not that pretty or brave or-"
He cut her off. "Yes you are. And I've already told you, it was because I wanted to. Period."
"But-"
"Shhhhhhh," he soothed. "Go back to sleep."
She shook her head. For some reason she needed him to say - what? She didn't know but something. She just needed some compliment from him, some affirmation. "Jorick?"
He sighed heavily. "Yes?"
"Do you think I'm-" she winced at the clich¨¦ woman questions that came to mind and tried to choose the least embarrassing. "Pretty?"
He gently laid her back in the bed and pressed his lips to her forehead. "Yes, Katelina. I think you're very pretty. And I also think you're very brave. Now go back to sleep. You need the rest."
She closed her heavy eyes, but opened them again, another question on her lips. "But no one else thinks so. Why do you?"
He rested his palm on her forehead. "Because I have better taste than they do. Now, go back to sleep, and don't dream this time. When you wake everything will be better."
