Nineteen: heart aching anxiety
Temperance
I sigh and begin.
"My mom died in a wreck when I was little. Since I was in the car, I was always blamed. The emotional abuse turned physical. I was always in the hospital because of this. There's nowhere for me to run, I have no family I can trust. Not only are my father's eyes watching me, but Erin's too. It wasn't so out of the blue for them to suddenly want to get rid of me."
As I was speaking, tears fell down my cheeks. I haven't been able to speak freely about anything. I avoid the heady eye contact from my friends, keeping my hand wrapped around Alec's.
"That's why you're staying here," Alec speaks after a few minutes of silence.
I lay my head on his shoulder after he squeezes my hand to reassure me.
"We need to go to the police about it," Emaline pushes a strand of her hair behind her ear.
"No, we can't!" I almost stand to my feet as I plead with her, looking straight into her empty eyes.
"We have to. They need to be put into jail." She doesn't dare look at me.
"If you do, then I'm leaving." I let go of Alec's hand, standing to my feet.
Alec grabs my arm, stopping me from leaving. "Let go of me!" I demand, yanking myself out of his grip.
"We won't go to the police. But we will keep you safe."
It's been hours since everyone went to the warehouse. They suggested I stay here since the men there are a rough bunch so here I am, standing alone in Alec's living room.
I am alone. Ella is nowhere to be found. Last I heard, she was cleaning upstairs.
I can't push down the thoughts I have—the memories.
You're so pathetic. This is why he raped you. You deserved it.
It plays through my head over and over again. I feel disgusting. I don't want to be in my skin anymore.
What if my father and Erin find me again?
What if they take me back?
What if they beat me worse?
All these what-ifs start rolling around my head like boulders.
My body is cold. I am freezing.
My body begins to tremble, and my hands started to feel fuzzy. Why am I feeling this way? Did I get sick from all of the stuff that's happening around me?
My knees feel weak.
My heart is beating so fast that I am afraid I will have a heart attack.
My heart flutters, signaling that it's skipping beats.
The air I try to inhale won't fill my lungs. I gasp for air, bringing my hand to my chest.
My stomach is churning, and my back aching.
My head pounds so hard that I feel light-headed. The room spends around me. I sway back and forth, touching the wall beside me for support.
I'm so exhausted. I slowly lower my body to the ground, my hand falling off the wall, letting me land hard on my tailbone.
Ignoring the pain from the fall, I shakily crawl to the couch, pulling a blanket down onto the floor.
I lay down on my left side, facing the couch. I feel the cool wooden floor on my arm as I curl into a small ball.
I put the fuzzy blanket over my petite body and snuggle into myself.
Tears fall down my face.
I know what this is. This is one of the many anxiety attacks.
They started happening after my mother's death. Over the years of the brutal abuse, my body has progressed to a level of severity. I can barely handle them.
I should be used to them by now, after all, I used to get them a lot more. Back then they weren't near as bad. I would get them several times a week but it would subside after a few minutes of shaking.
I am cold, breaking into a sticky sweat. I press my hand onto the cold floor, trying to cause some pain to distract me from my racing heart.
Whenever I was younger, I would sit in my closet with a blanket, pillow, and stuffed animal I had.
Now I don't have that closet.
That pillow and blanket got thrown out a long time ago.
That stuffed animal was ripped to shreds right in front of me by the one person supposed to protect me.
I know that staying here puts Alec in danger. And all my friends. But I have nowhere to go.
Is it ok to be selfish just for once?
I don't know how dangerous my father is. He's probably fearing that I'll go to the police. Whenever an animal is cornered, they fight back, hard. Will he do that though? I know how dangerous his girlfriend is, she's probably more likely to fight back than he is.
They are dangerous on their own. So together... I don't even want to know.
"Miss Temperance?"
Ella pops out of nowhere. But I stay on the ground.
I don't talk. I don't move.
Whenever the anxiety takes over it removes the ability to speak. I can make any noise unless it's crying, pathetic to say the least.
I continue to lay on the floor, trembling under the blanket, my body still freezing.
"Are you ok..?" She steps towards me, her heels clanking on the floor.
She squats behind me. Not daring to touch me.
As much as I want to lie and say I am ok. I can't.
I want to cry and scream out that I am far from ok. But I shake my head no. Letting her know that I'm not ok.
"Are you hurt?" She asks, looking at me.
I shake my head no again.
Same physical pain every day. Same mental pain every day. But now, it is much stronger. Much stronger when the anxiety hits and takes me over.
"Do you need something?" She questions.
I do need something.
Alec. What the actual fuck am I thinking?
I nod, closing my eyes.
"What do you need?"
I stay silent as she questioned.
"Medicine? Water?"
Silence.
"Do you need Alec?" She asks, and I look at her with the side of my eye. I nod.
How does she know about my attraction toward him? I don't see her that often.
"I'll go call him. He's at the warehouse, but I'm sure he will come home. He's like that with you. He's more caring. Happier."
Why is he like That? Because of me? Maybe something else in his life happened?
She walks off. But not too far. Maybe on the other side of the room.
"Alec? It's Ella." I assume she is talking into her phone.
She pauses for a minute.
"I know, sir. But it's Tempe-" Her speaking comes to a sudden stop. Like she isn't done with her sentence. She was cut off in the middle of my name.
"She is just laying there on the floor. She won't talk or anything. She's just shaking." Ella replies to the phone again.
There is a long silence. He is talking on the other end.
"Yes, sir." With that, she hangs up and starts walking toward me.
She squats beside me again.
"Do you want me to stay?" She asks.
I shake my head no, knowing she has other things she needs to do.
The only person I need is Alec.
It scares me how dependent I am on him. How needy I am with him. I've never been like this with anyone but him.
It's like the more I talk to him, the needier I get for him to be around. And I can't get rid of it. It must be a burden on him.
It scares me because anything can happen to him, and I'd just be left here. Alone.
Alone, being without him. Without seeing his sweet, goofy smile every day.
Without seeing his cute face. Or the way his eyes have this sparkle to them when he looks at me.
Am I falling for him?
Am I falling for the bad boy? Dumb bitch, I know you did not just think that.