Thirty: A babysitter

Temperance

Two weeks have passed since Emaline's funeral. A few days ago I finally opened the bedroom door to Alec. We now share his bed since he continues to let me reside here.

I haven't destroyed any more furniture since the last time they replaced it. Whenever I get overwhelmed and have to self-harm I do it in the shower. 

I continue to avoid speaking but sometimes I have to. I'm not completely silent like I was, I just don't have anything to say anymore.

Zander is finally out of his room. My worry for him has been constant. He helplessly tries to find distractions from her death.

Rea is technically bound by my side, ordered by Alec. He can't be with me every second of the day, which I understand, so he sends Rea to tend to me. She is always stationed close by, I can't help but feel guarded.

I have no problem with her being around. She has never shown ill intentions towards me. If I ever need anything she doesn't hesitate to help me. I consider her a friend.

A friend but not a best friend. I can't imagine myself having that connection with anyone like that. I know it seems silly to call someone I barely knew my "best friend."

It's not about how long you've known them, it's about the connection you formed. My connection to Emaline was undeniably strong

My life consists of numbness. I watched Emaline die and went to her funeral but my mind can't comprehend reality.

Sometimes I stare at the door, waiting for her to barge in and say it was some sick prank. My waiting never ends with her coming through the door. 

Then there's Alec. He checks on me every chance he gets, terrified he will find me dead. I know he doesn't care about me in that way. He's just doing that, so he doesn't have to worry about a dead girl on his hands.

But then again... what if he does care? He brought me in. He's taking care of me. He lets me sleep in his bed. He seems like he would do anything for me.

No, stop it, Temperance.

You're a disease. You're a pest. It doesn't matter if he cares or not. Being around you is dangerous. You get people killed. It's your fault.

I sit in the living room. I've been here all day laying down on my side. I watch silently as people walk past. How I wish to be happy and carefree as they are.

I stand up, my head buzzing from low iron as I stumble towards the wall. 

Once I can see again I walk to the kitchen, opening a medicine cabinet. I thin my lips as I grab a bottle of ibuprofen.

I pour several out on my hand and look at them closely. I count ten and glance around the room, making sure I'm alone.

I hold them in my closed fist as I pour water into a cup.

I place a few pills into my mouth, and I swallow them with a gulp of water. Feeling them slide down my throat.

I look at the rest in my hand.

An image of Alec flashes through my mind.

My eyes go wide as I drop the glass, watching it shatter around my feet. The pills lie in the glass shards, taunting me.

I run to the sink, shoving my hand down my throat, making puke spew all into the sink and over my hand. I clean out the sink in quick desperation and slap soap onto my hands, scrubbing until they are red. I swoosh my mouth out with the sink water and spit it down the drain.

I run past Ella and open the door. I am slamming the door behind me. It is cold outside. But I don't care.

I sprint towards a garden and climb up a tree scraping my elbow. My foot slips and I barely catch myself on a branch. My breathing is short and rigid as I continue hoisting myself up.

I glance towards the ground below me, satisfied at how high I've climbed. I'm not too high but if someone tried to get me down they would have to climb up just to reach me.




Tears stream down my face. I hit the back of my head on the tree I lean on.

They all say it will get better.

It won't get better.

It stays the same.

Saying something will get better is just words that people feel obligated to say. Now, they may hope you will get better but it's never written in stone that you will. I could be drowning in my sorrows forever. 

I put my hand over my mouth and try to muffle my hiccuped cries.

It's all so pointless.

The only thing keeping me alive right now is Alec and his guys. Nicole and Ryan should be my reason, but I haven't seen them in forever. Would they even care if I died? 

Whenever I think about ending it, I think about Alec and my new friends. It's sad to say that Nicole and Ryan don't pop into my head during my time of dying. Is that selfish of me not to think of them? 

Their sadness wouldn't cross my mind if I were to kill myself right now. I only wonder if they would feel sad. Would they blame themselves? Probably not, I'm the one to blame if I die.

"Temperance!" I hear a deep male voice call out my name. Alec.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I stay perfectly still, hoping he won't look up here.

It would be so embarrassing to be caught crying in a tree. I feel like a child hiding from their parent.

"Temperance, please come out...." I hear him yell. His voice sounds more vulnerable this time. He must be upset about the glass I left in the kitchen. At least I cleaned the puke up.

I try to stay strong, but his vulnerable voice continues yelling for me. I carefully climb back down the tree until I am standing right in front of him.

"Please don't ask any questions." My whisper is hoarse from the lack of talking I've been doing. He nods and holds out his hand for me to take.

I take it, keeping my head down as we walk back inside. He stops me in the living room where we are alone.

"I have a meeting tonight. Will you be ok here with Ella?" He asks me as if I'm a baby.

I nod, irritated that I need a babysitter.

"I'm going to go talk to Ella." He gives my hand a reassuring squeeze before letting it go. 

I thin my lips, watching his back as he walks towards the door. He turns around, giving me a nod before leaving me by myself.

I put my ear against the door.

"I have to go to a meeting tonight, and I need to make sure you watch Temperance. I don't want her to be alone." I hear his muffled voice.

"And how do I do that?" Ella questions, knowing full well that I'm not a child.

"Watch movies with her in the living room or something. Just don't leave her alone."

I can't believe he would assign me a babysitter.

I roll my eyes and walk over to the couch.

He's just nervous. I know that. He doesn't trust me alone. It is understandable. But I don't like the idea of having a babysitter.

I hear the door open, and he walks over to me.

He stands in front of me and bends down to look at me.

"Ok, I will be back." He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear and straightens his back out, leaving me to myself for the second time.

As soon as he is gone and the front door closes, Ella comes out, and she sits on another couch in front of me.

This is gonna be a long night.