Fifty: I hate you

Temperance

With my back pressed firmly against the door, I feel my feet start to slip from under me. As Alec continues his attempt to get the door open I reposition my feet to hold the door shut. I can feel my legs weaken, threatening to give out as tears stream down my face.

"You have to let me in at some point!" His pleading voice is muffled through the door. I slide down the door, careful to keep my weight against it. My hands find their way to my mouth, covering a sob that threatens to spill out.

With his attempt of ramming his shoulder against the door, I feel the anger inside me spill out. "I hate you!" I yell only to immediately regret my words.

The ramming against the door ceases with, "Do you mean that?" His voice shows signs of him being displeased as if his worry has turned into shock.

"Did you ever care about me?" My mind wanders through the months where he was a constant thought in my mind. "I thought about you every day. It turns out I should have tested my luck somewhere else." I cant help but picture Lidia as I spew out my sentence.

"You said you loved me," I whisper loud enough for my voice to barely reach him. I listen as he slides down the door and sits with his back against the door on the other side.

"I do."

That makes my blood boil. If he loved me, he wouldn't have had sex with someone that despised me. He wouldn't have had sex with anyone.

"Then why did you do it?" I ask him, not sure if I'm ready for whatever answer I am going to get. I bite my lip hard enough to cause an indention from my teeth.

"I couldn't even have sex with her unless I was thinking of you." He tells me. I can't help but scoff at his sentence as if that could make me feel better. He must think I'm innocent enough to accept him with open arms and forgive him for his betrayal.

Spoiler alert: That won't happen.

"Just leave me alone," I respond, rolling my eyes at him even though I know he can't see the movements. I can't help but imagine their betrayal against me. Him on her or her on him, both getting pleasure from each other.

How disgusting it would be to see that, to think it. I cant help but think about it, I cant help but have images float around in my mind. I'm afraid that if I see alec, all I will be able to see is Lidia all over him. As if he was never mine.

I close my eyes and shake my head, feeling nauseous at the thought. Then I listen as Alec stands back up. I count each of his footsteps as he walks away, the sound of him stepping fading away into the distance.

*****************************

Alec

I walk away from her door with tears stinging my eyes. She hates me. I know I fucked up. I thought she hated me already. But hearing it from her as she wouldn't let me into the room where she was sobbing in, hearing her say those words. Those three words.

"I hate you."

It let me know I fucked up big time. More than I thought. I don't know if she will forgive me or not either. Not that I deserve it, though.

Her crying voice told me she hates me. I can hear the anger and the pain in her voice as she yelled it. It is ringing in my ears and swirling around in my head.

"What's wrong?" Chris asks me, seeing my eyes red. I look at him and sigh, sitting down on the couch in front of the guys.

"She hates me," I grumble. Connor goes wide-eyed and then he shakes out of it. I guess he never thought she would hate me.

When did he even get here? Was he here earlier? My memory deceives me.

Well, of course, I crossed the line. But she's awake now, and Lidia is not dead like I want, but she is gone. So it shouldn't matter. Maybe she feels betrayed? Maybe she feels like I cheated on her. Even though we aren't a thing. We've just said the L-word to each other.

"I'm sure she doesn't mean it." Kenli tries to smile, hoping it would make me feel better. Chris rolls his eyes, and I glare at him.

"What?" I speak first.

"You don't deserve Kenli's kindness," He narrows his eyes at me, "What you did was Temperance's breaking point and what you portray at this moment is avoidance for her wellbeing. You're only worried about what she thinks of you."

I look down at my feet at his words that I know have some truth in them. I hurt her, I pushed her over the edge whether or not she was going to commit before she found everything out. I hurt her and now all I'm worried about is if she hates me. She should hate me, she has more right than anyone at this moment to hate me.

"Shut up, you two. This is no one's fault, you two are bickering for no reason. Yes, maybe it did give her one more reason for her actions, but she was going to do it either way. The way you two think is selfish."  Zander stands up, annoyed at our behavior. He is eyeing both of us with anger laced in his expression. Maybe he is right.

It still doesn't justify what I did, though.

I know with everything in me that I have to talk to her. I know that I have to make this right, even if she can't bear to see me.