Thirty-seven: Survival

Temperance

A month has passed since I was forced to leave Riverblossom high school.

Since my departure, I haven't seen any of my friends. It's been a month since I've spoken to anyone aside from Chris and Kenli.

I have no friends in this place. I'm alone like I did a 180. My luck has to be rotten. How can I be back to how I was before I met Alec? It's as if I went back in time.

Sometimes I contemplate if my meeting with Alec was real or not. Were the happiest months of my life an illusion?

Even if it was, my want for freedom is strong. I cant make anymore friends in a place I won't stay at forever. Even if everyone I had met a few months ago was an illusion, I can still have my false memories to lean on.

When I first got to this school several people tried to talk to me. I would give dry responses to their attempts at befriending me. When they gave up I returned to solitude. I guess it's my fault that I'm alone now.

The only thing I can be thankful for is the fact that there isn't Sabrina duplicates hunting me down. I can say I'm also grateful for Kenli and Chris, for being people I can lean on.

Other than those two things, everything is so much worse than I thought it would be.

The harsh truth is that I have no reason to live. I know that if I told someone that they would tell me to look at the bright side of things. My life is so dark that I can't see any light. How is there a bright side for me?

Depression and anxiety have swallowed me whole. My panic attacks don't cut me any slack nowadays.

I try to keep my speaking to a minimum, only talking when I have to. I sometimes forget the sound of my voice.

My nightmares are a jumble of different things now. Instead of only getting nightmares from Emaline and my frightening past I'm now haunted by the friends I once had.

I still have nightmares. Not just about Emaline and my past. Now it has all of the friends I once had. Either they turn on me, die, or try to kill me. Each time I wake up in a cold sweat with my heart beating out of my chest.

On the self harm aspect, it's just as frequent as it was before I fell deeper into this hell. I'm sure my body is ruined, every man will turn me away in the future. Now that I am once again being abused, the bruises make up for the lack of cutting.

I have found out one thing. I don't know if it is something good or bad. Chris is in Alec's gang. I am so close but yet so far from Alec. Even though Chris is apart of the gang I can't see Alec. The only reason I know about the involvement is from Chris.

Whenever Chris told me I fell to my knees sobbing in front of him and Kenli. Chris being involved is the only thing that keeps me from believing I'm crazy. Alec can't be a figment of my imagination if Chris also knows him.

Unless Chris is also insane.

I'm pretty sure Chris only joined the gang for my sake. I had mentioned my involvement with Alec a few times. Maybe more than a few times.

Alec probably only accepted him because I live with Chris.

Apparently Alec always asks Chris to bring me with him to the meetings. Sadly, we all know that's not possible. Vicky and Austin don't trust me to leave the house unless it's for school.

I've started to become defiant. I am not like how I was with my father. I would constantly apologize and keep my head down. Maybe once or twice I would talk back but then i'd get beat half to death.

Now, I have a mouth on me. Its not problem for me to talk back to Austin or Vicki. They can beat me all they want, leading me closer to death is the goal.

Chris and Kenli do their best to plead for me, constantly worrying that one day I will stop breathing. Chris says I should stay strong for Alec.

Chris lies to Alec about me. He tells him I'm safe because he has to. Alec believes him, relieved to know I am "safe".

It is always nice to know that Alec misses me and that he still cares about me. It is nice that the friends I used to have still care about me.

The only good news I get is from Chris when he tells me that Alec asks about me. Or when he tells me stuff about Alec.

I miss him so much that it is tearing me apart. I should be happy that he hasn't forgotten about me. But I'm not. I want to be with him.

I don't want to live without him. I don't want to breathe unless he's beside me.

I think about suicide often now. I think about suicide so much that every night I have to restrain myself from taking pills. Or from sliding the blade deeply down my arm to kill me.

But in all, I have no reason to live.

Alec would be better off without me. So would Chris and Kenli. They don't need me. No one does. No one wants me. I'm just a burden holding them down.

I lay on my mattress. Everyone else is at school or work.

Why am I not at school? Easy. Because my defiance has caused me to get beaten. I'm stuck in bed, taking pain medicine every few hours. This is oddly similar to my past. Too similar. I would skip school to recover all the time. I didn't think it would happen if I was moved to another house. How stupid is that thought?

I lay on my back, staring at the ceiling.

I miss them.

I miss Alec, Zander, Connor, Damien, Ethan, Rea, Nicole, and Ryan.

I miss Emaline too.

I don't know the timeline for grievance but I'm sure no one would be over a death this quickly. Maybe I should be since I have a lot of bullshit to deal with. Maybe this is selfish to say but I wish that I was over her death.

Along with my painful trauma, she haunts me daily. They both work together to make me miserable. To push me over the limit.

I've been miserable for a long time. I've been dead for a long time.

I think now is the lowest part of my life where I'm being eaten alive by my own thoughts and traumas.

I feel hot tears pricking my eyes, threatening to fall out. I blink, and they run down the side of my face onto my ears.

Disturbed, I bring my bruised hand up to my ears and wipe the tears from them.

Right now, I would do anything to see Alec again. To be wrapped in his arms while he's telling me it's ok like what used to happen.

Stop going back to the thought of him, this is a new era of your life. Get over it.

"Temperance?" Chris rushes into the room. I didn't even know he was home.

I glance at him, avoiding moving my bruised neck, not opening my mouth to ask questions.

"I didn't know where you were." He sighs, scanning my damage.

"Right h-here." I reply, "Why a-aren't you at s-s-school?" My thought burns from being strangled.

"I was. Then Kenli told me she couldn't find you." He responds. I sigh and nod against the pain. He looks at me with sadness laced in his eyes.

I close my eyes as I hear him walk over to his mattress.

"Go back to school," I whisper. I want to be alone. Of course. But I want to be protected too. When Vicki or Austin come home, they will beat me for not being at school. It already hurts to move.

Maybe Chris needs to be here. To keep me safe if they came home early.

"It's no big deal, Temperance." He responds, moving a hair off my face. I can tell he is looking at me. I can feel it. I keep my eyes closed.

I miss Ella. I miss the guys. I miss Rea and Emaline. But most of all, I miss Alec.

Recently I've been finding myself constantly going back to the thought of them. It's not like I mean to. It's mostly random. I wallow in my loneliness.

Maybe there is someone like me.

Maybe some other girl had a mom who died and a dad who beat her and sold her to prostitution. Maybe she ran away for a while after getting shot by his girlfriend and went to live with a guy. Maybe the guy she moved in with had a maid and amazing friends that were a part of his gang. Maybe her best friend died too. Maybe she burned her old house then got sent to her abusive aunt and uncle's house.

Maybe.

Not exactly like that. But maybe.

Maybe she's missing the guy she loves too.

With that thought, my eyes shot wide open.

LOVE?!

Do I love Alec...?

Maybe that's why I was ok with him touching me when I didn't want anyone else to.

Does he love me back..?

Probably not. I'm unloveable.

He doesn't even see me anymore.

Who would love me?

My own father didn't even love me. He just beat me. And Vicki and Austin beat me too.

Just knowing I've been beaten would turn off so many guys.

Just knowing I've been raped would turn off so many guys.

I'm fucking disgusting. I don't see why anyone would want me.