Forty-five: the choice between staying and leaving

Temperance

Kenli dabs a wet cloth against my bloody lip as I reposition myself on the countertop.

"How does your eye feel?" She glances at my swollen eye before taking the rag away from my lip and rinsing it out with cold water.

I don't answer her question as I adjust my ears to the sound of Austin's footsteps.

His steps echo in the living room before the door opens and then slams, signaling that he's left.

She stops for a few seconds, listening for the sound of the foot opening back up. Once it's been a few seconds and she's sure he's gone she relaxes. Her chest rises, signaling her sigh of relief.

My head spins as my body violently throbs. I stare at the wall behind us, letting Kenli dab my blood away. Through the closed door, I hear ice clanking in the freezer. 

"Maybe I'm not supposed to be alive," I state, not thinking much about the words I'm spouting for Kenli's ears. I feel her tense up, her eyes darting to my eyes and the back to the cloth.

"I have had this thought several times. If I was supposed to be alive then all this pain wouldn't be here." I add on.

Kenli takes the rag away from my skin, rinsing it out in the sink once again, thinking about what to reply with. 

I run my tongue across my teeth, stopping when I feel a loose tooth. I curse under my breath, wiggling it with my tongue before deciding to leave it alone.

"Are you even listening to yourself?" She asks me, leaving the rag in the sink as she turns off the faucet. 

I lean back, my back touching the cold mirror, "It's a constant thought." I respond. Her lips part as to think, not making eye contact with me.

I look down at my bruised legs, my mind going back to Austin's words. 

There's no doubt about what he meant by getting rid of me. He is going to sell me into the trafficking ring. I suppose that is the quickest and easiest way to get rid of me. He would be getting money out of it too, so that's a plus for him.

"Do you want to die?" Kenli asks, dragging me out of my thoughts. I force a small smile on my face, feeling a lump form in my strained throat. 

"Don't you?" I only ask since she's been stuck in an abusive situation just like I have.

She steps back, studying me before putting her hair into a ponytail, "No, I don't want to die." 

Only now do I realize that I should've taken the pain meds. I know that I wanted to feel the pain to sever the hauntings of my emotions but now my head spins with pain.

"Why don't you?" I don't know if I want all of me to die or just a part of me to die, whatever that means.

"Life will get better. We don't have to die in this situation, we will grow up and be out from under them." She says quietly.

I envy her thoughts, I could only ever dream of being that optimistic.

The way I see it is that I have two options: kill or be killed. I'm stuck in this vicious cycle of abuse and no one will get me out of this but me.

My eyes flick to the door as Chris steps in with a bag of ice. He looks between us, furrowing his brows as he feels the intensity in the room.

I watch as he looks at me for a moment, stepping closer to me and gently pulling me forward. I try my best not to flinch with him. I know he won't hurt me but my bodily reaction is messed up from the years of beatings.

He ignores my flinching as he holds the bag of ice on my swollen eye. He tilts my head back, keeping his other hand under my head for support.

"I think you should run away," Chris suggests. Kenli looks up at him with fear tightening her expression but Chris keeps his eyes on my battered body.

"C-Chris why would you ever suggest a thing? She can't run away!"

"LOOK AT HER!" He raises his voice, causing us both to jump, his hand stays on the back of my head, not letting me jump too far.

I take the ice from it, holding it to my eye so he can have at least one free hand. "It's too far," Chris adds, watching as his sister shrinks back.

"Are we supposed to watch her die?"

I watch as the tears build in Kenli's eyes. I know that if I'm gone they will get beat until the point of death for letting me go.

"You can stay with your friends." Chris grabs my hand in hopes to get me to listen.

I shake my head no, "We both know that I can't do that."

I would never forgive myself if I was the reason for something happening to them. 

"You will die here. You have to leave. What even was that today? It's like you wanted my dad to do the worst he can do. You are supposed to let me take hits for you. Were you just waiting for him to beat you to death?"

I thin my lips. I want to die, I wouldn't have minded if he killed me. But my death was not in my mind during my beating. I was only hoping to have so much pain that my mind will be distracted by something other than my aching heart.

"No. I wasn't trying to die just then." I respond, taking the ice away from my eye.

"Just then? You were trying to die other times?" His eyes narrow in on me and I find myself suddenly insecure about how he thinks of me. Chris thinking about me in a negative way would destroy me I'm sure.

He has only seen me in my worst states, he could absolutely hate me and I wouldn't have a clue. 

"Chris, she has to stay. Where else could she go?" Kenli speaks, turning our attention to her.

That's right, even if I did run away where would I go? I cant go to Alec's, that would be the first place they would look. I was found there, I wouldn't be dumb enough to hide there for a second time.

I wouldn't dare go to that whorehouse no matter how hard things get. 

Nicole and I are... complicated. We haven't been speaking much since I met Alec, and especially now. I never even told her directly that I was leaving the school. It's almost as if I just vanished from her life.

Ryan's place could be a possibility, but I don't know what Alec would think about that. 

Why am I worried about what he thinks right now?

"You're staying right?" Kenli looks into my eyes with fear as her voice trembles.

"I'm staying."

I'm staying until my selling, then i'll be forced to leave you two behind.