sixty-one: unforgiving nightmare
Temperance
I sit at a table in the house I grew up in after mom died. Alec and Emaline sit in front of me. Multiple pictures of younger me align the walls. Those are the pictures that my late mother used to have on the walls in the house we lived in all together. I laugh with Alec about something I don't remember as Emalines eyes are filled with terror, staring at the front door as a man walks in. I ignore the man, looking at her with wide eyes.
"I thought you were dead?" I suddenly remember seeing Emalines dead body. I remember holding her dead body.
My heart begins to race. "That's not what you should be worried about Temp." She responds, her eyes not leaving the man at the door.
I glance at the door, my heart drops and I feel my blood start to flow backwards as I see my father. "I... I thought you were dead? I thought you were dead how are you here?" I gasp, I stand up, backing up. I glance towards Alec and Emaline only to find them gone.
"I never died. I was just waiting for when I can get my revenge on you. You worthless bitch." He smirks, stepping towards me.
I take out my phone from my pocket and try to dial 911 only to keep missing the numbers. I drop my phone, trying to turn around and run.
My feet are barely moving as I am attempting to go off in a sprint.
"WHY CANT I RUN?" I scream at my legs as I put so much strength in only to move an inch. My father laughs at me, amused that I'm trying to run.
"Temp. Wake up!" A voice that's not his comes out of his mouth. "What?" I question.
"Wake up!"
"Wake up!"
I open my eyes slowly to Damien who frantically shakes me. "I- I'm awake." I tell him, pushing him away as I sit up, my body covered in sweat as tears run down my cheeks.
"Are you ok?" He turns on the lamp beside me.
I nod, trying to slow my breathing and heart rate. "I had a nightmare. I'm fine." I tell him. I glance at Arella to make sure she's asleep still. We had decided to sleep together after Alec was taken away by the doctor and Damien would stay at the door incase there was another attack.
I take the water on my bedside and take a sip, letting the lukewarm water slip down my dry throat.
"It's normal to have nightmares after what just happened." He explains.
I look away, not daring to tell him it was about my father. No one knows I still have nightmares about him. Even in my dreams I know it's a dream, I just can't wake myself. I'm supposed to be better after my therapy... but the truth is that I'm not better. Well, in ways I am better. But there are things I still struggle with.
I struggle with nightmares and constant anxiety. I have emotion bombs. Whenever I feel one emotion it just comes out all at once. If I'm mad, I rage. I throw and break things. I scream and cry. That's what terrifies me the most about this trauma. I fear I can be just like my father. I know I can be exactly like him. I know I can and I'm scared of that.
I don't want to cause harm to anyone. I can't do what he did to me. He was a scary man and I don't want to be like him. My father has always scared me. Ever since my mother died he's been my main source of nightmares as a child and then teenager. He's never stopped being in my nightmares. I'm constantly haunted by my past and that's how I am going to have to live forever.
"Temperance?" Damien grabs my attention again, gently pushing a strand of my hair behind my ear as he gazes into my anxiety filled expression.
"I'm sorry." I mumble, looking down at my hands as I twiddle my thumbs. "How is Alec?" Images of his body laid out in blood play in my mind again.
"He's going to pull through. He will need to stay in the downstairs area for a while though."
"And Connor?" I feel my stomach churn thinking about Alec dying in my arms.
"He's in a medically induced coma right now."
I thin my lips out, rubbing my temples as I clench my jaw. My fingers brush over several scars that are raised above the rest of my skin. Tears slide down my cheeks as I start to sniffle, fearing for Connors life as I've lost Emaline.
"I don't want to die... but... it's so hard living.
Was it even worth everything I've been through?" I hiccup and turn away from Damien, realizing what I just said.
I glance at Arella, hoping we didn't wake her. She mumbles something in her sleep before peacefully turning away from us. Although I still struggle with my mental health, no one knows. It's this big dark secret that I've been hiding from everyone. Now that I've let that slip to Damien I don't know how he will react, or who he will tell.
"If you tell anyone... I'll have to kill you." I mumble, not daring to look at him. He doesn't say anything, only puts his hand on my back, giving it a small rub.
"You know... sometimes I look down at my arms and I see her." I start. I hold my hands out as if I'm imagining her right now.
Damien shits beside me, looking at me with worry as I continue. "I imagine her dead body sprawled out on my arms. I watched her die. She died right in front of me."
I watch as Damien gently places his hand on my upturned arms, looking at the pale skin with scars all over it. "Her death isn't your fault. You know that right?"
I ignore his question, "By now she's all rotted away, bugs crawling through her bones. She probably has no flesh left on her bones. I don't know how long it takes a body to decompose though."
"It should be me that died. Damien... it should've been me." I can't help but tear up as I say those words.
If I would've pushed her out of the way I could've been hit. She would still be alive and she would probably be with Zander by now. Her ex would be dead. If I died then Alec and his friends wouldn't have to worry about me anymore. They would be really happy. If I died I wouldn't feel so much pain. I feel pain every day. It's not as much as I used to feel... I think I've overcome my depression. The only thing I'm left with is the complex ptsd and the severe anxiety. I want to be left with nothing. I want to get hit in the head and lose my memories.
"I thought people were supposed to be strong after going through what I've been through." I say out loud, not expecting Damien to say anything.
"Trauma doesn't leave everyone strong." Another voice speaks out from behind the door. I freeze, my body tensing as Damien stands up protectively.
I stare at the door, completely silent as it opens a little more, revealing Ethan. My mouth drops open as I realize he is back. "You aren't supposed to be back until next month." Damien exclaims, walking over to him. They pull each other into a hug with the man pat on the back. I get out of bed and he wraps me in his arms, picking me up and squeezing me before putting me back down.
"I came back early. Surprise!" He tells us, glancing at Arella who sleeps peacefully on the bed without me. "You came home to a mess." I sniffle as I tell him.
"Well at least you're ok. Alec will pull through, I'm sure his main concern is you right now."
"Especially after last year." Damien adds.
I look down at my feet, my ears getting hot as I remember they know everything that's happened to me. There's no hiding it. I can't keep a secret that's already out. If it was my choice, only Alec would know about it. I hate that they know about my past. I don't want them to look at me like I'm fragile. Being beaten and raped is the most shameful thing that can happen. I feel more shame than any of my attackers do which is absolutely fucked. I feel a hand on my head, gently messing up my hair to signify they are on my side.
"I wish things were how they were in highschool." I tell them. "Not with the abuse and bullies. But we just had more fun in highschool. It wasn't... it wasn't so stressful for Alec either."
"It's not that bad now." Ethan tells me.
I can almost laugh, I step back and thin my lips out, glancing in between the two guys in front of me.
"It is pretty bad. Connor and Alec are really hurt right now. You, Ethan, are always sent on missions. Ace and Adam are putting so much pressure on Alec. Zander is missing the love of his life. Salara is missing. And I have no family to run to when things get hard."
"We are your family. Blood or not, we are your family and we love you like family." Damien tells me. I look at my feet, wanting to cry All over again. Ethan and Damien pull me into a hug, letting me find comfort in their arms as my heart aches. I hear shuffling behind me and I pull away from the guys, turning around and seeing Arella sitting up, pulling up the covers to her shoulders.
"Salara left because of me." She starts, glancing between all of us as I shift awkwardly.
"What do you mean? Why would she leave?" Damien questions.
Arella shakes her head, guilt glazing over her eyes, "She kept having these nightmares... about the gang. Like something really bad would happen but she didn't tell me."
I back up to the doorway, looking out to make sure no one was listening before Ethan questions rolled in.
"I always brushed it off I guess. I got more wrapped up in the gang instead of her and she left." Tears gleam in her eyes before she blinks them away.
She looks up at Ethan, her eyes knitting together, "My dad wants to kill her... no one leaves the gang alive. That's his motto. He wants to kill her for leaving. She knows information on us."
I thin my lips out, studying Arellas stressed posture as tears slip down her cheeks. Would he really do that? If Alec were to die and me to leave would he come after me?
"Do you know where she went?" Damien asks.
Before she can answer her eyes go wide and her mouth drops open. I feel something press against the back of my head and I immediately hold my break. I know what this is. I shouldn't have stayed by the doorway.