Deuces

**Chrissy**

…
It was difficult to leave; we both knew that and preferred to let things go. 
I saw Egan’s car parked by the pavement when I arrived at the house. A sudden surge of anger flooded through me as I grabbed my things and stepped out of the car. 

I saw Egan seated on the balcony, drumming his feet endlessly. A mix of frustration and uncertainty washed over him. 
My eyes rolled as I approached, attempting to walk past but Egan stood in my way, grabbing my wrist. 

“Chriss, please—”

I instantly pushed him away angrily, “Leave me be,” I scowled at him but he persisted, like the devil himself.

“What do you want from me? Haven't you had enough already? Thank fuck, Dayle and I are finally in the pit you dug for us…” I flared up, the fury was the tip of my tongue. 
Something I would never heal from and Egan knew that. 

My heart was racing, not because I was eager to see him, but because I wished he understood the gravity of the things that he had done. How he's ruined everything for Dayle and me. 

He sighed lightly, “Chriss, I was stupid and out of my mind. I’m sorry for what I did to you. But I can't help the feeling of being betrayed, Chriss,” he snapped, his face squeezing softly as I scoffed, short of words. 

Can he just literally vanish? I hate to be in between and he knows it. 

“Betrayed?” I repeated, wondering how on earth I betrayed him. “I'm the one who's betrayed here because I trusted you and gave you a place even if you had them. You just... crept back into our lives and ruined our good shit. The good thing we had is finally destroyed and all for what—love? Anger? Jealousy? What exactly, Egan?” I asked him, my voice shaking now and then. 

He tried to speak but his words hung somewhere inside as he rubbed his face and that was when I saw his eyes, tears hanging in his temples. 
I swallowed up, wondering if this was an emotional drama or what exactly?

“Chriss, you've got to be fair to me.” he managed to say almost in a whisper, his emotions were about to betray him. “From the moment I saw you differently in Hemsville, I loved you. I had the truest love to offer to you, and I was willing to jump off the cliffs for you. Yet, you kept clinging to Dayle under my nose.” he paused for a second while my thoughts traveled back in time. Everything he mentioned played right before me. My thoughts weigh my ills and heart judging me for them. 

“I still loved you, I understood that we fucked it up and I was willing to try harder. I wanted us to end up together badly. I managed to talk my mom into getting us into the university that you wanted, the city you wanted, the life you wanted but… You kept choosing Dayle…” he said, a tear rolled down my cheek before I could control it as I quickly wiped it off. 

He wiped his nose swiftly, “I still didn't give up because I believed in the attraction we had and how you filled the emptiness in me with your graceful smiles and soothing voice. You were good to me. And I didn't want to end, I fucking swear on my life. That time im college, you know for certain that it wasn't a mistake to me. I just wanted something real with you but then… You chose Dayle again.” he sighed, leaving me with the struggle to weigh my deeds. 

“I left the NY, I went as far as I could go, and even after years, I wanted you. I see your face when I rise and when I go to bed. Your smile kept my years filled. I vowed to return to shoot a shot again and I don't mind trying but… it is always Dayle…” he said, almost fisting. 

“Egan,” my voice broke. 

“No, you don't have to tell me that I was fooling myself, I knew I was and I kept clinging because I’m helpless without you. Seeing you with Dayle, talk, laugh, play, work, drive, kiss, hug, make love, cry, get silly was terribly hard and I held onto what you gave me in the past—a place to be me and love with all my heart.” Egan kept speaking and in that moment, I was left in the middle of everything. I knew everything but that. I didn't see Egan for all he said because I was engrossed with Dayle and I just didn't notice or think I did something to him. 

“I LOVE YOU with every flaming breath in me and I wish you'd take this pain from me, make me hate you so that I’ll leave forever, but how can I hate someone who means everything to me? How?” he asked me as my face dropped. 

He looked away, rubbing his slightly soggy face and I didn't know what to do anymore. 

“I didn’t know,” I almost did not say it but I did.

“You couldn't. It was all about him even when I loved you first.” he gave a weak smile. “I don't care what anyone says to me but... I love being foolish knowing that I’m chasing after a woman who can make me whole again…” he sighed again, his eyes staring deep into mine without contempt or cause to defend myself. 

“Even after now, you would always pick Dayle but I’m used to being rejected by you,” he said as he took out a folded paper and handed it over to me. “Do me a favor? Don't go through it now. Do it when I’m gone...” he said as he leaned forward while I froze with the paper in my hand. 

His warm lips landed on my cheek. Soft and swift. 

Why now, Egan? Why this time?

“I'm gonna go now and I promise not to bother you ever again. Maybe now that I've told you all I wanted to tell you since college, I’d die a happy man,” he said with a playful smirk as I forced a faint smile as if I understood him but I didn't. 

He attempted to speak, but decided against it, his jaw tightening, his gaze hooking mine as he finally walked to his car and drove away. 

In that moment, my tears just helplessly dropped like the real crybaby that I’ve always been as I rushed into the house.

I shoved the paper into my bag, crying my life out. 
I was just on the edge. Wondering what the right choice was now? Being caught up between two friends was the toughest thing I had ever done. 

Seated alone with neither of them in my life was more hurtful and maybe even better. 

Hours passed and turned into several days. Ever since Dayle and I met at the family house, he never returned so basically, I had no fucking idea where he was or what he was doing. 

Also, I didn't know where Egan was as well, I never reached and he didn't either. I didn't know what else to do or how to do it. I felt wrong in all aspects with Dayle and Egan. 

I guess it was better to let them go and just live with the biggest scar on my heart. 

With ‘Godspeed’ by Frank Ocean playing in the background while I scrolled through Insta, it was like a fucking scene in one of those movies. 

God!!!!!!!

I screamed in my head, tears hanging and getting dried up time after the other. 

…
From sleeping, eating junk, drinking beers, watching movies, thinking, crying, acting like nothing matters, and back to sleeping again.
That was my routine for two fucking weeks. 

Ken and Sophy had been supportive, but most times I just keep to myself. 

Ding dong. 
The doorbell rang twice as I recoiled myself, throwing a big shirt over my bra as I lazily walked to the door with my hair looking like I was electrocuted by lightning itself. 

Don't blame me, my life’s a mess except that Harvard was on my mind. 
Maybe I'll find a hottie and forget that Dayle and Egan existed. But no one can replace them and so I totally don't need a hottie. I just need my boyfriend and a friend back to being normal. 

“Who’s there?” I let out as I opened the door. It was Cynthia, Amber’s househelp, clutching her bag with a remorseful face. 

“What do you want?” I asked. 

“I um… can I come in?” she asked politely and I shook my head. 

“No, you can't. Did Amber send you over to finish me off? News flash! There's nothing left,” I snapped even it it was totally unnecessary. 

“No ma'am,” her fingers fiddled. “I just wanted to confess something to you which I should have done a long time ago…” she said as my brows knitted curiously, my mind spiraling at once. 

“Mr. Dayle didn't sleep with Amber, she asked me to drug his drink and then she took advantage of him. Meanwhile, she used her Dad’s cell phone to text Mr. Dayle. He was plainly a victim,” she paused as I scoffed, it hit me three times harder even if I thought of it that way too. 

“Why are you telling me?” My face tightened wishing that it was sooner. 

“I don't know, but I finally had the balls after I was resigned. Just in case you need my word or something, I would be willing to help because I was part of the orchestration and I won't forgive myself for what I had done. I'll leave now, ma'am. I hope you both forgive me!” she said and left.

Honestly, why now? When I’m too exhausted to fight?