End of the beginning

**Dayle**

It has been days and days since Egan’s death. It shook us. It was unexpected and dire. 

His mother constantly blamed Chrissy for ruining her son's life. I wish she knew that Chrissy did not have a hand. 

Egan took steps that were beyond my power, and I see now that the situation spiraled at the dying minute when hopes were all lost.  

I wished that loving the same girl wasn't the cause of the initial drift. I wished that he spoke more about his health. I wished that he hadn't thought of dying or orchestrating his accident. 

At the moment, there is nothing left of us but memories—ones that bite. 

The wakekeep took place yesterday and the burial will take place today.
I'm barely getting past it, yet I have to watch my friend get stuck up 6-feet deep. 

“Babe?” Chrissy called out calmly, walking up to me in matching black lacey panties and a bra. 

I wish I wanted to have sex with her. But, no. 

She wrapped her arm around me, pulling me into to warm embrace. She's been tolerating my outbursts for days now. 
Sometimes I yell out of the blue, get pissed, ignore, or zone out. 

Egan’s death struck a chord and that's going to live with me forever. 

“It's going to be okay, my love. We must accept it—I’m sure he's found a better place,” she said, kissing my head. 

My eyes met hers and a small smile rested on my lips. “Thank you, Chriss!” was all I could afford to tell her at that moment. 

“Alright. This day is important to all of us, baby. Let's… try to be there. For him!” she said, plastering a weak smile. “I picked out a suit and coat for you, I hope you like it,” she added. 

And, isn't she wonderful?

…

“We gather here today, mourning a son, a brother, and a friend! He was kind and full of life until bad circumstances held onto his pedestal,” the priest began. 

Just like most funerals, we were all in black. Mourning and broken. 

It was tough for everyone present. If only I could turn back the hands of time. 

Soon, Egan’s parents gave a short speech, and Steve and I were up next. 
Chrissy rubbed my arm, showing her unstoppable support as I patted her hand lightly and headed to the podium covered in daisies’ flowers. 

“He was our brother and best friend,” Steve began, struggling to talk as my thoughts flew back to the moment we spoke at the hospital.

*Flashback begins:*

When my eyes landed on his pale body, I almost didn't believe that the same man who stayed in my house for some time was on the verge of losing his life. 

My body ran cold as it was stuck under the Pacific.  
I was standing by his right and Steve by his left. 

“Thought that I would never see you both,” Egam said forcing a smile. Steve and I followed his expression. 

“We would always be there,” said Steve. Exactly what I would have said too. 

“Do you remember that time in middle school? When we… had our first kisses in the same week?” he teased weakly and I was sent back to memory lane. 

Steve smiled, “You took us out for ice cream with the money from your mother’s wallet,” he reminded us. Just like yesterday, I remembered everything. 

“And I said…”

“Let's have our first sex already,” we all said in unison, chuckling about it. Although his laugh didn't last past five seconds, he was full of life—still. 

“Did you remember what you said next, Dayle?” Egan asked, his gaze settling on me as my jaw tightened. 
Of course, I remembered. 

I nodded and heaved a light sigh, “We aren't too young to be wild and happy?!” I said. 

Egan and Steve nodded too, smiling to ourselves. 

“We were truly wild and happy,” said Egan. “We had dreams of walking down the aisle having a trio wedding, fences facing each other, taking our kids to school in one car, and lots. And now... I guess I broke the pact,” he said.  

Both admittance and remorse sat on our faces like pictures. Steve stepped back, leaning on the wall, and then sat on the floor, hugging his knees. 

“I was wrong to have intruded on your relationship with Chriss. You both are perfect and trust me, she never cheated. I was the one who pushed her limits even if she fought back. I'm to blame, and I’m sorry, Dayle…” he said forcefully. “We are brothers, but I betrayed our friendship over my undying feelings for Chrissy…” he paused as if giving me time to process what he had just said. 

I leaned a bit, my hands planted on the bed. 

“I was the dickhead until I learned not to be one anymore. I'm… also sorry I ignored you. I mean, I should have understood that your change of attitude had a backstory…” I said calmly, but remorse was tearing me up. 

“I should've - I should have looked closer aside the time you tried to win Chrissy over. We’re sorry, E… and I wish so bad that we can fix things…”

My last words were in a whisper, my throat snagging me while I spoke. Our eyes watered, holding onto something that was slipping away right under our noses. 

“I didn't want sympathy,” 

“Fuck, we are your brothers not strangers…” Steve said, almost growling. 

He was angry. Angry at the fact that Egan was dying and we couldn't do a thing to save him. 

There was silence, an impenetrable one that was etched across the room. 

“It's too late and maybe it is for the best, dudes. You don't have to worry about my troubles and—”

“Can you fucking stop? Please?” I pulled away angrily, clearly mad at myself as I moved away. My hands are raking my hair furiously. 

It was too much to carry, it was not what I had envisioned for us three.  We had dreams. We had plans. We wanted a perfect trio that would never be crossed no matter who messes up. 

Now, we stood there, watching our best friends say their last words like a fucking movie. 

I fucking hate this. 

“What were you thinking running into a truck? Dude, that's a dumb way to do…” Steve lashed out as he rose, his eyes were soggy. 

“At least I’m not gonna worry about cancer or… someone who didn't love me back or my friends hating me because I screwed up or my parents tossing me into a royal home for the influence or living all alone while everyone assumes that I chose to be a fucking loner. I'm done. I'm exhausted,” Egam snapped, his breathing began to ruffle.  

“And us? Didn't you think that we needed you in our lives? You were selfish to end your life and making us watch you die is something I cannot forgive you or myself for, Egan!” I said, my eyes welling even though I tried to fight the tears. 

Who the fuck was I kidding? It was reality and I needed to accept it. 

He was silent. We were as well. 

“Stevie? Dayle? Can I do one thing for me?” he asked not minding what I had just said. 

“Egan—”

“Get married! It's all we've always wanted to do after being wild and happy, right? Do it for us—for me!” his voice broke. 

We gathered around him, holding his hands. Our eyes were fighting the tears that threatened to pour.  

“I love you guys, so much. Our friendship was the only thing I held onto through my life. Take care of each other, don't forget me…” his voice became a whisper.  

“Never,” Steve and I said in unison. 

“I know!” 

He gave the faintest smile I had ever seen. From a broken voice to a whisper and finally silence that we dreaded. 

Egan died. 

We watched him smile until his last breath. The tears in my eyes flowed as I closed his eyes, kneeling beside his bedside. 

My world shattered. 

He left us, breaking our friendship pact.

*Flashback ends.*

Staring at the crowd was everything I hated. I saw Egan from every angle I looked. 

“…His smiles, his voice, his charisma, his friendship are everything we’ll live to remember—in our hearts…” I said, my hand across my chest, my voice trailing off as Steve patted my shoulder as I continued. “We’ll carry his vision, his dreams. We’ll never forget him,” I said one last night, unable to keep up as I stepped down, Steve tagging along. 

The next person I saw was Chrissy, who fell. My heart broke, a sharp pang piercing me. 

I rushed over to her, trying to resuscitate her.  

I almost couldn't survive mourning Egan, losing Chrissy, one who has strengthened me all the way forward, would be my automatic death. 

“Chriss, you can't leave me! Ever!” my voice shook. I carried her in my arms, walking to my car, ignoring my parents or anyone who assumed that I wasn't fit for the moment.  

She can't die.