Chapter 41

Merigold
I woke up early this morning vomiting. Even when there was nothing left I still vomited. I don't know how long I stayed curled up on the bathroom floor but that's where Lug Nut found me. He helped me back to bed then got me some ginger ale. As soon as he gave me my glass my phone lit up. I knew who it was so I ignored it. I had nothing to say to them. They tossed me away. I'm done. It's time for me to move on. I don't even know why they keep calling. Finally, it stopped.
“Rest for a bit. I'll handle the boy’s breakfast." Lug Nut says. I try to sit up. Try being the operative word. " Lug Nut, I can't let you do that." He pushes my shoulder down to the bed. As bad as it was, I felt it didn't take much effort. " I can make the little buggers some cereal. Rest a little bit. Then come down and try to eat yourself." I start to argue but he raises his hand " No arguing. I got this." I didn't have the energy to fight. I did what he asked knowing I had to try and get to work soon.
I finally made my way downstairs a few hours later. But all I did was lay on the couch and watch cartoons with the boys. I called the shop and explained to Thor I was taking a day to myself. Then explained what I wanted him to do with Clayton today. While I was laid out Lug Nut would bring me crackers, toast, and ginger ale. I was so grateful for his help. It also made me miss Mac more. Mac always took care of me when I was sick. Maybe I should call them. I would tell them what happened between Axel and Rowdy but I could tell them I was sick. Maybe hearing their voices would make me feel better. I wonder if that is what this is a physical form of homesickness.

I managed to hold down what Lug brought me but the nausea was still bad. I left my phone on the table. It would light up for a few minutes with back-to-back messages that I ignored. I don’t want to hear anything they have to say. They made it very clear. Why are they bothering me?
I didn't look at the messages. There is nothing that needs to be said. If it was club business that I needed to know about, one of the other brothers would tell me. Hell Lug Nut was right here he would tell me. They could call him to pass a message to me.
At some point, I dozed off because the smell of pizza woke me up. And not in a good way. My stomach rolled as soon as the scent of garlic hit me. I jumped up as fast as I could and ran to the bathroom. Everything I managed to hold down today came back up. And kept coming.
When it finally stopped I flushed the toilet and pushed myself up off the floor. I brushed my teeth and washed my face to feel a little normal. I wasn't ready to leave the bathroom yet so I slid down to the floor and laid my head back on the cabinet and closed my eyes.
I didn't want to think. I didn't want to move. I want to just sit and feel miserable for myself. Even if it is just for a minute. Not just from the vomiting although that had a big part to do with it. I wanted to be miserable for what had happened with Axel and Rowdy. I was so stupid to get so close to them. I should have guarded my heart better. I should have paid better attention to the signs. They didn’t want the club to know about us. They were never out with me in public unless it was club related. They never called me their girlfriend. They never touched me at the club unless it was hidden. It was all there, I was just too lust blind to see it. I want to say it wasn’t love but that is a lie.
That's probably the worst part of it. I didn't notice when my heart got involved. But I did notice when it shattered. I know the exact minute it happened. It was when I saw that girl kiss Rowdy. It was when I saw that girl whisper to Axel. It was like a sledgehammer had hit my heart and broke it into a million pieces.
And for right now it would stay that way. I haven't felt this pain since I got the news that Jax was killed. I didn't think it would ever mend. But it did, only to break again. There is only one reason it would hurt this bad.
Oh god, I fell in love with them. The realization has me silently crying. How could I let that happen? I knew they couldn't be more than a fling but I still fell. I'm so stupid. And I have to see them every time I go to the club. I won't be going to parties anymore if I can help it. At least for a while. But I won’t let them see they got to me. I played with fire. I got burned. Lesson learned. I would say I would stay away from all bikers but that isn’t going to happen. There are some good ones. I have seen them. I won’t let those two get to me.
No, I can't do that, it isn't fair to my brothers. And I won't let those assholes run me out of what has become my club. I won't let them win. I won't let them think they broke me. I am stronger than that.
I allow myself the misery and pain but just for a little while. I have a family, I have my twins, I have my work. I have my club. That's all I need. I can bury myself in it. As long as I have that I'll be fine.
A knock at the door pulls me from my thoughts. Tank pokes his head in the door. " I came to check on you." " I was about to get up," I told him. Tank helps me up. " Are you doing ok Princess?" "I've been better," I tell him honestly. He pulls me into his big arms. " I'll always be here if you need me. I know Viper will too if you let us." All I can do is nod and let him hold me.