Sorry
“How are things with him? Getting better? It was so tense in the car on the drive from the town to the city. Vodingo said Icaro overheard you telling Avaline you hated him.”
“I didn’t say I hated him. I simply said I didn’t love him. I think he heard the tone of my voice and felt it was worse than it was.”
“What was your tone?”
“Hateful,” she admitted biting her lip. “This is a new feeling for me, Sidonia. All of my life I’ve been dutiful, fearful, nervous, and cautious. I’ve never been one to fight with authoritative figures in my life and to stand up to someone who is supposed to be an elder or the like, well, never in my wildest dreams would I be so inclined. While I could argue with my peers in school or college, never with someone who held power over me.”
“We were taught to do as we were told.”
She knew Sidonia understood, “exactly. Then this arranged marriage thing came out and I saw how wild Icaro was in the online videos, and I snapped. I spent my entire life being this good, respectful, god-fearing woman and for what? To have a husband who acts like an immoral snake for the world to see?” she took a breath. “I’ve been so angry over the injustice of it all.”
“It’s fair to feel this way, Zorah.”
“I feel like this woman I kept pushed down and oppressed because I didn’t want the trouble or the pain it would bring, is now rising to the surface and I can’t contain her. This never-ending need to seek justice for myself and to be right, is taking over.” She couldn’t even look at Sidonia, “dear God in heaven, I want everyone who is wrong to acknowledge I am right, and they are wrong. I want them all to feel the weight of the decisions they’ve made on my behalf. I want to make them all pay. I want everyone to pay.”
“Even me?”
“You have never done me wrong, Sidonia. Not once. Not in a million years. I love you. I love you so much.”
“But I went with it. I jumped into the fray and connected with the enemy. I married your captor’s best friend. I sided with them at the farm when I got upset at you for locking yourself away.”
“You have every right to be upset with me Sidonia. I’ve become this bitter, angry person and I don’t know how to deal with it. It’s like this thing,” she waved in front of her chest, “is in there and it wants out and it wants to make everyone hurt as much as I’m hurting.”
“Like a demon?”
She gave a shrug, “I wouldn’t go that far. I realized the other night when the woman was sending me text messages how far I’d gone. The fact I was going to run off with a stranger was telling. I mean I only considered it for a few moments, but it was enough for me to think of how stupid I was being.”
“What made you change your mind? Why stay?”
“I realized it didn’t matter where I went or what I did, I was going to be bringing this hate and anger with me. Even if I managed to run away and build a life for myself, I’ll always be harboring this resentment. I knew the only way I could let it go was to accept this is for the best.”
“You think being with Icaro is for the best now?”
“I think,” she admitted quietly, “I was so wrapped up in the need for justice, I wasn’t looking at the bigger picture.” She reflected for a moment, “this is going to sound foolish considering how much I’ve been fighting him tooth and nail, but the notion of hurting him by running away and knowing how much it would cause him emotional distress makes my chest ache.”
“You care for him.”
“I do. I care for him, and I’ve been so selfishly absorbed in my own need to be right, I was missing the fact he’s trying and I’m not. When he told me I wasn’t trying, it struck me deep.”
“He said you weren’t trying?” Sidonia’s question held a tinge of anger in it.
“He wasn’t wrong. I’m mean to him all the time. He pointed out how I was snubbing the staff and being rude to them. I would eat dinner with his family and while they all sat around after the meal to talk, I’d get up and go back to my room and lock myself away. His mom would ask me every evening if I wanted to go watch the sunrise with her in the morning and I’d refuse with one-word answers. I was so sick and tired of seeing Lucchesi brides being spoiled by their husbands I simply wanted to bury my head in the sand and pretend it wasn’t happening.”
“I’m a Lucchesi bride. Watching Vodingo spoil me, made you angry?” Sidonia asked with a hitch in her throat. “Is this why you were avoiding me? You stayed away from me because Vodingo loves me? You think it’s been so easy for me?”
Zorah turned her head to look Sidonia in the eyes, “I’m sorry for being such a terrible friend lately, Sidonia. You’ve uprooted your entire existence for me, and I’ve been wallowing in my own misery, selfish and self-absorbed, any other person would have told me off and left me in the dust. I never considered it was difficult for you because you seem to really like him, but the truth is, I was upset because it felt you were joining their side.”
“There aren’t sides, Zorah. There is no side to take. All I have ever wanted my entire life is to be loved. You have said the same thing. We have planned and plotted from the time we discovered boys to find men who would put us on pedestals and love us and now here we are with two men who are going to do this for all our lives, and you are angry at me for running into it with my arms wide open.”
“I’m not angry at you for running into it, Sid. I’m furious with myself for not. I’ve taken my anger out on you and I’m sorry. I should have been a better friend. Gosh, you relocated to another country for me and married a stranger! The least I could have done was check in with you from time to time.”
“Yeah, but if the roles were reversed, you’d do the same for me.”
“Except I probably wouldn’t have let a man carry me out of the church wrapped around his body.” She reminded Sidonia of their wedding day with a giggle. “I was so surprised when you did that. It was very naughty.”
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