What Matters
“Yes. Like sex. I also took on extra assignments. The more difficult ones. The jobs where it was risky and dangerous. I needed to get my frustration under control and beating the fuck out of someone was an effective way to do it.”
“It’s exactly what your ancestral grandmother prayed against.”
“It is but we were in uncharted territory. Two decades, Zorah. I spent two full decades needing my one and being denied her.”
“I kind of feel like the equivalent of a blankie to a toddler.”
He gave a nod, “true. You calm me, Zorah in the same way as you excite me. I wish,” he took a sharp breath, “I wish for even a brief moment you could be in my chest and my head and feel what I feel being around you.”
“Can I ask something?”
“Anything.”
“Why if I’m so special were you so awful to me so much? Icaro, you’ve been mean to me so much and I don’t understand if I’m supposed to be your one, the person who balances you, why do you get so angry with me and so,” she struggled for the word, “spiteful.”
He took a deep breath. “I don’t know.”
She was surprised by his answer. “You don’t know.”
“No. I don’t know but I’m not copping out with this answer. Help me understand. Can we talk about the events of this week and maybe you can help me figure out what it is which is triggering my anger when we’re together? I want to be better for you Zorah but baby I need help.”
“The first day in the church. You came to me in the choir room, and you cornered me. I was confused.”
He smiled at her, “I wanted to fucking kiss you so bad.”
She bit her bottom lip nervously, “really?”
“God yes. I’d sat through mass and listened to you sing. I struggled not to turn around and watch you. I sat there with my eyes closed and listened to you. I stayed there and was the last to leave the church and then I went to find you and like every time I see you, I was overwhelmed. I couldn’t stop myself.”
“You told me to make sure I was untouched when we saw each other next. You threatened me.”
“I’d met with your uncle before the service. He’d insinuated since you’d moved out of your mother’s apartment, you’d been unsupervised, and he couldn’t confirm your virtue. Then when I looked into your eyes in the room, I could see you were still mine, still untouched.”
“What if I hadn’t been?” she asked seriously. “What if I’d been rebellious to my family and slept with someone, more than one person?”
Zorah watched as his hand tightened around the edge of the table and he looked upwards as if contemplating his entire existence. His eyes were closed, and his nostrils flared slightly as he imagined the possibility of her being with someone other than him. Then, in a move which surprised her, he exhaled slowly, a smile tugging his lips, and he gave a shake of his head.
“It wouldn’t have mattered.”
“What?”
“It wouldn’t have mattered, Zorah. On Sunday, in the moment, I wanted to be your only but more than this, I wanted to be yours and for you to be mine. It wouldn’t matter to me Zorah if you’d been with twenty men. I’m simply glad you’re here with me. I’m thrilled we’re starting our life over. If I’m being honest, maybe the guilt I’m feeling over not being as selective with my sexual partners as I should have, might be lessened if you weren’t a virgin.” He gave a laugh as if he were surprised with himself, “it honestly wouldn’t have mattered because no matter what, I want you and I want to be with you and simply being here, right now, sitting across from you erases anything you could have dreamed of doing in your past.”
His words felt heartfelt and true to her, and she felt her heart hammering at the way he was staring at her.
“You should have let me have my date Tuesday then.”
He clicked his tongue at her, “nah. I really enjoyed crashing your date and spending time with you. It was good to be on a date with you, sharing a meal and being on the water.”
“Can I ask you what you told him to make him run from the restaurant?”
He laughed, “I told him I was Icaro Lucchesi son of Don Dagoberto Lucchesi and then I whispered at him his address, license plate number and social security number and asked him if he wanted my entire family to visit him.”
“How did you know his address and all the other stuff?”
“Zorah, I was in the air within minutes of Uranio calling in your date. Within ten minutes your date’s entire life history was downloaded to my phone and within thirty minutes it was memorized.”
“You were really angry.”
“I was.” He didn’t deny it. “Your Uncle should have told you years ago about your betrothal. I wanted to meet you when you were sixteen, but he refused. I wanted you to want me, to want to be with me, and I realized how much you were terrified and dreading me, it pissed me off. I knew he’d painted me in a bad light. I knew he put fear into you, and I was so angry. I found myself wishing desperately you would have felt the same connection I was feeling and wanting to be with me, and you weren’t.”
“Has any woman ever felt the connection?”
“There is always an attraction, and you can deny it all you want but I know you feel it. If you hadn’t been so scared and so stressed out, you would have leaned into it, Zorah.”
“Except I hate how you had sex with so many other women.”
“There is that” he agreed with her. “I didn’t account for being called to task for my transgressions. Once again, I’m realizing I owe you an apology because of my bad responses to the situations we’ve been in. None of this is your fault and all of it is my inability to process the situations we find ourselves in. Keep calling me out on my shit, Zorah. I will learn.”
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