More Apologies
“You still work hard for your father and the family, don’t you?”
“Yes. This family is my legacy, a gift from my father and his father before him passed down through hundreds of year. It is something I want to leave our sons or daughters.”
“Why would Walrus or Caiu or whatever you call him, act like you’re a lazy ass then?”
“My guess?” He sighed and reached for her hands, “he was waiting for Dad. He saw you right here. He was immediately plotting all the ways he was going to seduce the tourist staying in a local hotel and then I ruined his fantasy. He realized the woman who got his dick hard was taken and it pissed him off. Dad knowing we’re friends probably spoke out of turn, and he decided he’d make a play. When I called him to ask him to make sure there was nobody there to upset you because I was desperate to keep you from being exposed to any more of my past, he took it as a sign there is trouble in paradise and wanted to make a play.”
“You called him and asked him to clear out the women?”
“Yes. I didn’t want to see you go through what you did Saturday night when the woman was in our hotel room. You were so distraught, Zorah and the last thing I wanted to do was expose you to more women.”
“You did it for me or for you? Were you not trying to protect yourself?”
“Nope. I cannot emphasize enough to you, Zorah, I am ready to be held accountable to you for all of my sins. I am ashamed, thoroughly, and completely ashamed of my past behavior. Yes, it makes me uncomfortable to be around the women from my past but if you wanted to put every one of them in my face to remind me of how much I fucked up, I would tell you to do what you need to do to make you feel better. I don’t want them around me because they remind me of my transgressions but if you told me, you wanted me to face them all, I would. What I can’t bring myself to accept is seeing you in pain and hurting. The way you reacted Saturday night, the way you screamed at me how it was always going to come popping up in your face, told me how much it hurt you is nothing I want you to repeat. I don’t want to hurt you. I called him while you were getting dressed up with the girls and asked him to ensure there was nobody there who would cause a scene or upset my wife.”
“I think he thought it would cause a rift between us.”
“And when it didn’t,” he agreed, “he brought up the shit I did on Tuesday. I’m sorry Zorah. I should have told you what I engaged in. I didn’t and it was wrong of me. I wasn’t trying to purposefully keep it from you. In my head, I was thinking I did as you asked on Tuesday evening when you asked me to not fuck around anymore.”
“It’s fine,” she sighed turning to look back over the rail, removing her hand from his and staring down at the street.
“It’s not fine. I was such a fool, Zorah. I have made so many foolish decisions over the years with my arrogance and I am so sorry. Hurting you is the last thing I ever want to do,” he moved to stand behind her, his chin resting on the top of her head as they looked down over the street.
“It hurts, Icaro,” she admits quietly. “I wish it didn’t hurt but it really does.”
“I know.” He didn’t back away from her emotions. “I caused you pain and there is no excuse for what I did which would make it right. Even giving up an orgasm doesn’t feel enough. I wish I could go back in time and make different decisions.”
“What kind of decisions would you make?” she leaned backwards into his embrace as he wrapped his hands around her and she tucked her hands over his forearms crossed on her chest.
“I would tell thirteen-year-old me you are worth the wait. I would put my faith in both you and my love for you. I would not have touched a single woman in any way. You were right when you said to me, I could have used my hand. If a priest or monk who take a vow of chastity can live a life without indulging and I’m sure there are some out there who do it very well then, I should have as well. I held you in my arms and you were a baby. I wasn’t sexually attracted to you back then, Zorah. I wasn’t even thinking of you in such a way.”
“I know.”
“Yet, I knew you would someday be my wife. While I wasn’t looking at you in a sexual way, I shouldn’t have been looking at any person in such a way. I found my one. I felt a spiritual, loving connection to you, and I violated the pureness of such a relationship. It was sweet, authentic, and unsullied and I ruined it with lust. I am sorry. If I could go back in time, I would never touch anyone else ever. Our night Saturday should have been firsts for both of us. More than I want to be your first, Zorah, it is killing me you are not mine. You deserve a love which is unblemished.”
His words touched her, and a tear rolled down her cheek as she looked down. There was no longer alcohol running through her blood in a way which would ease the emotion she was feeling and it stung.
“The thing is, Icaro, we can’t go back in time. The hurt is still there. I am not your first at anything.”
“You’re my first love,” he whispered in her hair. “You’ll be my last everything.”
“How did such a fun night turn so melancholy and maudlin?” she asked suddenly.
“A stupid Walrus fucked with us.”
“I don’t want him to win, Icaro.”
“You don’t?” hope was in his voice.
“You played music earlier on your phone. Dance with me?”
“You want to dance with me some more?” he turned her in his arms and noted the streaks from the tears he’d missed while her back was turned to him. He wiped the dampness of her cheeks with his palms.
“Make me laugh again. I want to laugh.”
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